If it wasn't right, he wasn't the one...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
If it wasn't right, he wasn't the one...
1
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 6:48am

If we BOTH knew it wasn't right and was not going anywhere and we both decided to end it, why the heck am I in such pain? I am no spring chicken. Am in my late 30's.

My LD May/Dec. 3+ year relationship ended Friday on then phone. We see each other sporadically. For 2+ years we saw each other and lived together 20 weeks a year (his work) and recently we lived together Jan. - Aug. and were entering another commuting thing.

He is my best friend and of course my lover. Our families are close and connected. We share many common interests. But there were many difficulties and I knew he was not the one. We split many times due to the distance but always reconnected. We were both entirely monogomous for the duration until we split last week.

I wanted to end it but have self esteem issues and fear so let it drag. He initiated the ending because he could not do the long distance and met someone he wanted to go out with (sex). So on the phone it ended. At the time he did not tell me he met someone as he had just met her and had no idea what it was going to be..but he was clearing the way for whatever...

We have talked since the split and I learned he was with someone. I was spared most details but this whole thing makes me sick with that pit in my tummy and early AM anxiety. I cannot sleep past 4 AM. Rationally I know it is best it's over as so much was not good BUT I am still a mess. Also, I am having a hard time NOT sending text messages and emails. I can do no phone.

When he has called, I have acted better than I am as initially I was a mess with him. And he knew it..now I am a mess but have lied and said I am fine. I just want some pride here, ya know. I am the older one and want to leave with dignity. I also DO NOT want to go back to him since he has moved on and it is taking such time and pain to detach.

I will see him in two weeks for an entire week when he is at my city. He has of COURSE left the door open if I want to be with him. I told him point blank NO. We have amazing sex so I am sure that's hard for him to pass up. I hope I can resist. Oh, he can stay with friends or family so he does not have to return to my home.

I am rambling but if ANYONE can step in and comment on ANY OF THIS.

I need help understanding why I am such a mess still when I wanted to end it and knew it was all wrong. Also how to detach. Give me a GOOD shake, please.

One more thing: my last relationship was the same. I ended it but we kept going back and forth WHILE he was with other women and it killed me and we ended up enemies in the end. I do NOT want to repeat this. So please shake me and say wake up or whatever else I need to hear?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 12:28pm

The short answer is, because it takes TIME for your heart to accept what your mind already knows. A relationship of 3+ years is going to take months to get over, not days. No, it won't be this hard every single day for months, but you have to let the time pass.

The ONLY path to acceptance I've ever seen work is a combination of time and no contact. What helps me with no contact is recognizing that every time I contact him, I start the clock again. It also helps me to make pacts with friends and/or my counselor that I won't contact him for X days (as many as I think I can do at a time), then I renew that pact every few days. Because keeping my word is important to me, this works well for me.

You really need to stop the contact, and I would NOT meet him in a couple weeks. It's too soon, WAAY too soon. Putting yourself into temptation now would be, well, I hate to use the word crazy, but it sure would not be smart or logical. Is he coming for another reason besides seeing you? If not, then he should cancel the visit.

Take him off your email list and delete him from your phone. Block him from emailing or calling you if possible. Use technology to help you.

You and he can reconnect as friends down the road. NOT NOW.

Sheri