Ignore him or be friends with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Ignore him or be friends with him?
3
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 3:36pm

So here is my situation. I was dating a guy from my graduate school class. We are in a cohort program, so we will be taking the exact same classes together twice a week for the next two years. When he and I became friends he was ending a 3 1/2 year relationship. He told me the relationship had been over for a long time, they were strangers to each other, she was cold and mean, etc. I hesitated because I didn't want to be a bandaid or a rebound. He assured me I wasn't. We had a great time together and moved too quickly but we really had strong feelings, or so I thought, for each other. We really connected. Then one night he said he was going to talk to his ex, to find out what went wrong in the relationship ... to get closure. I tried to be understanding, they went out for a long time. Afterwards he told me that he had cut ties with her and told her he was falling in love with me and that he wanted to give everything, all of his attention, to me. I never asked this of him, I was patient and simply enjoyed being with him. But I was elated to hear him voice his devotion. We made love that night AND the next morning. That night as I was on my way to his house for dinner plans, he called me and told me he just couldn't be with me. He said he couldn't see me and he had made up his mind. I said I was on my way to his house and he owed me an explanation, since he was standing me up on a Friday night and after what he had professed the night before. When I saw him he said he couldn't give me everything because he still had feelings for his ex. I said I didn't expect him to give me everything and that I didn't expect him to forget his memories or even to hate her. He said he had a moment of "clarity" where he decided that if he went back to her and "fixed" what he did wrong things could be like they were before. And that he needed time to sort it all out. I said I could give him his space but he broke up with her for a reason and she was cold and mean for a reason, and that he had given the relationship enough time to run its course ... and that he should really think more before turning me away --someone he said he was falling in love with and actually had fun with and felt good with. He said he still has feelings for me and that his ex won't even speak to him now that he told her all about me, but he wanted to try and he would be okay if he failed ... then when he came back to me he could give me everything.

It's so hard being in class with him too. He emails me, IMs me and has called me. He says he can't sleep at night because he is riddled with guilt that he hurt two people he cares about. He says he is "stewing" and trying to sort it all out. I have stopped trying to convince him of anything because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be wholeheartedly with me. BUT now he is asking me for friendship. Part of me thinks he just doesn't want to be the bad guy .... he wants me to be nice to him so he doesn't feel so guilty and it is easier for him in class. I don't want to be the loser who is nice to him and friends with him while he goes back to her. But I also really enjoyed his friendship before we got together. But how can I forget how much he hurt me? I have taken steps to move on and am trying to be healthy. I am dating other guys but of course my heart is not in it. But I have no other option right? Another part of me wants to act like he doesn't exist ... pretend like he was never a part of my life .. act completely indifferent that he is in my presence. It sucks that only one person in my class knows about us and my ex is a very funny guy who has a BIG personality and he's always cracking jokes in class and everyone laughs. I don't know if I have the energy to pretend and laugh too but otherwise I look weird and bitter. People are always saying how funny he is and every time they talk about him I felt a pain in my gut. I don't want to lash out and make myself look immature but I just feel he is expecting too much from me. He gets to dump me, I am alone, and he is trying to work things out with her AND gets my friendship?

Is it immature to act as though he has no affect on me? I am afraid my kindness will only show how hurt I still am because it may come off as patronizing. I hate him and love him at the same time. I want to be with him despite everything but I am not getting my hopes up and I am moving on. But I am just not sure how to deal with him in class for the next two years. I am sure it will get easier with time but right now I am not sure what the best course of action is. Please don't post responses like "just forget him and get over it" ... it's not that simple because if it was I wouldn't be posting here in the first place. Thanks for any helpful insight.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 3:50pm

How about the middle path? Don't ignore him, be cordial and polite, but stop well short of being friends with him or even engaging with him in conversations that are not absolutely necessary and have to do with classwork only.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 5:38pm
i agree, and it looks like he needs some time to figure out what he really wants. how long were the two of you dating before this happened and how soon did you get involved after he broke up with his long term girlfriend? some of the advice i've gotten from kind of the opposite question (it is my ex who moved on after only a week) is that men process breakups differently, and sometimes it takes them weeks or even months to deal with what happened, or for it to 'hit them'. it's possible he jumped into things with you when he clearly wasn't over his ex--regardless of whether or not she wasn't the greatest person, he would still need time to get over her. also i have guy friends who have been hurt very badly by a girlfriend, moved on too quickly, and then realized they needed to figure themselves out before getting into another relationship. that's not to say that's what happened, i'm just giving some examples. that's also not to say that he didn't mean what he said to you--i'm sure he did, he just sounds confused to me. i'd give him space, but take the high road and be cordial to him. not overly friendly, not overly rude. you want to make it look like it doesn't affect you, like HE doesn't affect you. that will make him think and it makes you look like a better person to just look like you are going on with your life. good luck...i'm sorry you have to see him in class, i can only imagine how hard that is. it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, you'll be ok.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 7:34pm

wow...i would be pissed also if that ever happen to me(i'll be kicking his ass infront of his exgf) LOL

for my own opinion pretend nothing happen....show him its never been a good deal if he got it or not..ofcourse your just a human....you need him also.

anyways you guys have both classes together....my idea is flirt with some other guys infront of him...let him be jealous...LETS SEE FROM THERE!!!

GOOD LUCK