I'll Never Understand What Happened
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| Thu, 05-04-2006 - 1:40am |
I'm not sure what I am doing on here, but I hope that I feel beeter once I share my story with you ladies and gentlman....I'm not sure what I am seeking on here, I don't know if I need advice or just need to be heard. I guess we'll see what happens.
My story begins like this. I saw him for the first time when I was 16 yrs old.He walked into the store I worked at wearing a white T-Shirt, a faded black jean jacket and matching jeans. He was at the snapple refrigerator in front of me and then turned towards me making direct eye contact (like only he knows how to). I took a good look into his beautiful large, well rounded brown eyes and I sware that I heard his name play in my head....I felt it under my skin that he was the face behind the name I've heard said around our small town. I didn't say anything. I just let him leave and never thought anything of it.
As you know life always takes many twists and turns....well lets just say somehow we ended up meeting each other and under very immature circumstances I decided to make the intiative to have sex with this man. Again, I thought nothing of it. I actually ended up just keeping him as a last resort booty call. I would basically only call him when I was single and lonely. I don't remember ever feeling anything other than that and if anything, I considered him a friend, more than anything.
Well time went by and I ended up working at the same place where an ex girlfriend of his came to work during the summer time. Which at that point was fine with me. She talked of him to me not knowing of our "Agreement" but I didnt think much of it because she loved him and I didn't. I remeber her telling me that he had seen her at a party while he was with his new girlfriend (who may I add is a Chickhead) and she said that he told her he loved her and missed her. She asked me what she should do because he was a player and she didn't think he was ready to be in a formal relationship. So like any woman would, I asked her if she loved him. She admitted to me that she did. So I told her to follow her heart despite what had happened in the past. I told her that I knew of one of the girls he cheated with, but that I was sure he loved her. I don't know but somewhere in the mix...she took it all the wrong way when she found out I had slept with him. So there went my attempt to get them back together. After that mess....we somehow began to chat and communicate a lot more often then usual.
At this point all I remember is that I went away to Florida with my daughter and when I came back we began to build something that didn't really hit me till it was too late. I'm not sure when, but I do remember that he began to text message me all the time. I had no idea how to text message till he introduced me to it. I added the feature to my phone and we began chatting back and forth all the time. We began to see each other alot more often also. Then one day I bumped into him at the mall while he was buying his new girlfriend a Jersey (I believe) and I just remember how badly it hurt. I didn't want to believe it was because I loved him so I brushed the pain to the side and kept it moving.
But then suddenly everything got worse. In time I ended up admitting to my feelings (while drunk mind you) and that's when everything hit the fan. I felt him becoming more and more possesive and I was right next to him playing the same game. I remember feeling the tension between us even through text messages. We were both possesive and arrogant, I will admit that. We were both trying to prove that one was stronger than the other. We spent most of our time arguing and making up at this point.
Then I'll never forget the night that we bumped heads at my favorite bar. He was drunk and angry at me because he thought I was sleeping with some guy. I saw a part of him that night that I didn't know existed. He embarrassed me infront of everyone there and then right at the end of his show...he approached me and placed his hannds around my neck. Not too tight but not too soft either. He looked me in my eyes and said...."I should choak you right here" and I said "Go ahead, finish it off" I think he realized that he wanted to because he immediately let go of me. Then said..."I would never hit you" So after all that I left after giving him a hug goodbye.
After this siutuation he began ignoring me. I would text him trying to clear things up, but he didnt say a word. Eventually we began talking again but it seemed as if at that point it was all games. We were ok for some time and then he was back to ignoring me again. Ladies, please understand, I took all of this only because I love him so much. This went on for about 2 years. (Games)
Then one day I decided to leave the circumstances. I told him clearly, that I was leaving him against my own will. But I had to leave. He never said a word. Today, it's been 2 years since I stopped trying to keep him in my life and we don't speak on a personal level at all. I see him around every now and then but he acts as if all this never happened. It hurts me so much. I mean...I know that this is not how things began but when I did fall in love with him....it was like I remembered....that I had always loved him and that this wasn't something new. I already did love him...I just forgot for a ltl bit. It's been a total of 4 years technically without him and my heart still aches. I feel like my heart is literally bleeding from the absence of him. There are days when I cant help but to cry and there are days when I just want to leave and never turn back....because the fact is that- he is still with his girlfriend. I never asked him to choose. I just asked him to not leave me....and he did anyway. I guess thats the part that kills me. He never had anything to say...and how he can look me in my eyes today and not say, "I miss you" the way he told his ex girlfriend that day at the party. He told her he loved her with no hesitations and after all those years I didn't even get an "I don't love you, I'm sorry" I don't understand. I loved him unconditionally and at the deepest of my heart and soul. I still do....but I'm terrified to stay around here and eventually here that they are going to get married or that she's gonna have his baby. I know that it would finish breaking me. It's taken a lot of me to be here typing this story out. I was in really bad shape a year ago. Now I'm just having a hard time accepting that this was just sex...even tho he told me it wasn't. But what else am I to think. He moved in with her after all of this and it broke my heart. How can someone be so cruel? I'll never understand...but i know it hurts. God be with me and all of you with broken hearts cause I've been slowly dying inside. Unfortunately, I will never be the same....no matter where I go.....he is my twin flame. I know it

Reading material:
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard M. Halpern
Facing Love Addiction, Pia Mellody
Carrie
He was abusive to you. Healthy love does not hurt. What you experienced with him may have seemed like love to you, but it was probably more of a codependence or addiction.
The fact that you are still so attached to him in your emotions after all this time is cause for counseling with a professional to get a better understanding of why you are attracted to abusive men. THEN you may understand what happened. Good luck!