I'm about to break up with him

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
I'm about to break up with him
3
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 6:43pm

I'm kind of in a bad place. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year, but recently (since I turned 21) I've been wanting to go out. Hes only 20 and he doesn't really like the bar scene. For example, when we go out to eat we go earlier then the dinner rush so its not crowded. But I liked him because he didn't like going out and we just hung out at his house and had a good time.

Well, about 2 months ago I met someone. It started out as just flirting and I'd see him every few weeks. Well, we ended up talking online a lot and now I have a huge crush on him. I thought I loved my boyfriend, but now I know that I do not. Even if I don't end up dating this new guy my relationship with my current boyfriend is over. He just doesn't know it yet. Its going to be a slap in the face to him and I feel completely horriable. I don't know how he is going to react, I don't know if he is going to call me a bitch or just be sad. I've had two other boyfriends in the past and I also ended those relationships, so I don't know what its like to be on the receiving end.

I really like this new guy and I want to see where things will go. But my boyfriend is my best friend, I spend all my free time with him and now I'm afraid of being alone, even though I don't want to hang out. (i know, messed up)

Well, to the point...any ideas on how to let him down lightly? Advice? Anything? I need it, I'm so confused.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 4:04am

Hi,

I think you're right when you say you're relationship is over even if things don't work out with the new guy.

Breaking up sucks, and there's no easy way of doing it. You have to make sure you go through with it, so don't give up when he breaks down. When I broke up with my ex, he got really mad and nasty with me, which in a weird way kind of made it easier to break up. If he breaks down, keep in mind why you want to break up and keep repeating it to yourself. Don't let him talk you into getting back together if you know that deep down inside you don't want to...

I don't know which reason is easiest to hear when someone wants to break up with you, but I do know that you should stick to the truth. Even if it hurts. (Being honest doesn't mean being blunt, you can be nice and still tell the truth) Breaking up is going to hurt a lot for both of you anyway, so I think the easiest on him is the truth. It hurts, but that way he can deal with it. Giving a false reason or one that is not the main reason for breaking up will probably give him false hope. Or he will have to deal with it twice, once for the reasons you gave, second time when he figures things out for himself/when he finds out the real reason.

Keep us posted

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 7:17am
i have one piece of advice for you... absolutely make sure that this is what you want. I had the same situation, i had been with the same guy for more than 2 years, but i had a huge crush on some other guy. and things wernt going very well with me n my boyfriend. so i decided to break up with him. but as soon as i had done it, he agree with me.. And i realised i actually didn't want to be without him. Now this other guy means nothing to me anymore. and my ex doesn't want me back. So i really advice to you really make sure what you want! Dont make the same mistake i did...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 11:04am
Hello there. I know what you are going through. But there is no way of letting him down lightly, it's just not possible. but thats a good thing, because i would hope that after a year he has feelings for you. My biggest problem was that i didn't want to be alone either. So, i did some really bad things, I would break up with him and then go back. I did that about 5 times and he took me back each time because he was in love, and obviously i wasn't. So yeah, I broke up with him about a week ago, officially that is, i finally realized i can't keep going back because i was afraid of being alone. So I will admit, I do feel alone now and it is one of the hardest things to go through. It seriously sucks BIG time. But yet I know it's better this way rather than being with him just because it was convenient or i felt comfortable. As for what to tell him for why you are breaking up with him, I told my ex that I just didn't want to be with him anymore, i said that I think he has stronger feelings than me and it's not fair to him to stay with him, I said I just wasn't happy anymore and that I don't know for sure or not if he is the one, so I need to just end things. I mean of course there are things about him i don't like and things that annoy me but I didn't say all those things because he really was a great guy and I didn't want it to be like I was putting him down and that he wasn't good enough, those things you can just keep to yourself. I did tell him that i wasn't in love though. I thought we could try to be friends, but it doesn't work that way. When someone on the other end has strong feelings and the other person doesn't, you just can't be friends. That is what was really hard, because like you said he is your best friend, well my ex was mine as well, we spent EVERY DAY together, which was a big mistake. Sometimes I think that I do want to go back to him, but I just keep giving it time. I think time is the most important factor in all break ups. They help people cope and give people time to think and deal with things. And maybe down the road, friendship might be possible, but I think that it's a long way down the road. So basically if you are having these gut instincts or feelings that it won't work and that you don't want to be with him, END IT NOW! For real, I cannot stress this enough because if you keep dragging it out (as i did), they will hurt MORE, which I didn't think was possible but it is, because you keep the attachment going. I was with my ex for 6 months but since we were always together it felt more like a year. So yes it is going to be tough, they are never easy. My ex was my first relationship ever so I am just learning so much right now, as well as in a lot of pain. But life ain't always beautiful and I am hoping I will get through it. So once you end it, know that there is still a life for you and that you are closer to finding who you are meant to be with and so is he. Another problem that I have had is that he is having a problem with letting go. He still sends me messages and tries to talk to me. I have talked to him a few times, but I try not to give false hope or anything like that. So if he is the kind that just won't let go, don't give in every time. and def. don't call him or initiate anything, because that will just send mixed signals. Just follow your heart and do the right thing, if its meant to be, it will happen, but right now you just need to do this. Sorry this was long but I hope it helps to know that you're not the only one! and that it is for the best...