Im addicted to him...looking for support
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| Sun, 05-13-2007 - 9:33am |
Im not new to the boards, but Im new to this one. A very good friend I met here has told me to come to this board so many times and I wouldnt do it, because I wouldnt let him go. I knew if I came here thats where I was headed...letting him go.
So I wont start from the beginning, but Ill give a quick background.
Im a 46 year old divorced woman. I met Tom two years ago. Over those two years he ended and restarted the relationship more times than I would like to remember. Hes hurt me, lied to me (and big lies) and each time I end up back with him. The big lie came in Feb. when he confessed to me that the reason I had limited access to his home and never met his kids was because he was living with another woman. I tried to forgive and learn to trust him again, as crazy as that sounds, and I was just starting to get somewhere this past month when I caught him lying again to me about where he had spent his weekend. Seems he went down to a shore house him and the ex live in once co owned (she took it over in the breakup) Now he tells me hes confused as to what he wants and needs space. He doesnt know if he wants her or me or what he wants in his life. A part of me wants to give him that but Ive given him so much and so many chances that I just cant, but Im also having trouble letting him go.
The other night I went on my Yahoo and wanted to see what Yahoo 360 was. So when I clicked it on there he was on my page as one of my contacts. I clicked his name on which took me to HIS page, on that page I found 3 other women that were listed as his friends. So here I was in what I thought since Feb. in an exclusive relationship, attempting to forgive a man for his dishonesty and there was more of it staring me in the face. GUESS THATS WHAT THE "I NEED SPACE" THING IS REALLY ABOUT???
So how do I go on now? How do I stop loving someone that has brought me happiness, yet most of the time pain. My self respect and my self esteem have fallen so low here. I dont like who I am and what Ive allowed. It shouldnt be so hard to let go of someone like this should it????
Why cant I just call him and say "Go to hell you bastard! Dont call me when your done taking your space!" I know hes not good for me, no matter how much I love him, but Im holding onto a dream here, that hes going to change and be who I want him to be.
I need to let go and never look back......but my hearts not letting me do that...Help me out here!

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jerseygirl2006...
Pianoguy is curious?
Suppose you followed through on the "go to hell you bastard" phone call, email or snail mail...how would you feel afterwards? Satisfied...embarrased...or regretful?
If a man can cheat on one woman (aka YOU)...he can pull the same nonsense with many others! From his vantagepoint...it doesn't matter...because there will always be someone else to take the place of a previous g/f or spouse!
At 46...you've got better things to do with your life...and can certainly find other potential partners in yahoo, msn, or another dating service board.
Every person that you and I have loved and lost represents a chapter in our life stories! Granted...we feel like CRAP when a relationship doesn't work out. But if we learn not to make the same mistake again...the odds of being COMPLETELY FULFILLED are a lot stronger!
I hope you heal quickly and get past this. You DESERVE better!
Pianoguy
Jerseygirl your story sounds so similar to mine. I am 40 and spent 2 years with a man that lied and cheated. Somehow I would convince myself that he really loved me and I would take him back. He really did a number on me and for some reason I would not let go. I lost friends over this man, my teenage son moved to his Dads because he got tired of seeing me so sad, I missed days from work, drank too much wine, and on and on it goes.... The last time we spoke he called me the most horrible names I have ever been called because his new girlfriend (the one he claims to love) called me and I told her the truth about him. He cheated on me with her or her with me, we never did figure that one out. He lied to this girl, he swore on her life that he was only with me once, and he swears he loves her. At first this crushed me. I felt humiliated and ugly and really, really stupid! I lost ten ponds in a week and could barely get out of bed. Not good when you have two ten year olds at home! But I got through that first week, and every day it got better.
My advice is to move on. No contact! Do not talk to him or his friends. Surround yourself with people that really do love you and talk to people here, they are wonderful! And most important, do not try and make sense of it. I kept trying to understand and would find myself making excuses for his behavior. I am finally accepting that he was just a bad person and I am better off without him.
Take it one day at a time, it will get better. hugs, Sharona
Piano Guy,
You gave me something to think about.....and the anwser is 2 part....
1. If I do that "go to hell call" I know then that its done for good. But in my heart I know it has to be over, its whats best for me. So I guess Id say regretful and hesitant because ,though I wish I didnt after all the hurt hes caused, I still love him.
2. My second emotion would be a feeling of pride and relief. Im feeling a strong urge to stand up and say those words to him, because I feel like hes done nothing but lie, cheat and hurt me. And maybe if I get it out, Ill be free...
One thing I found myself feeling today is that I have a hard time believing he loves me still, or ever really did. But his definition of love may not be the same as mine or yours. First off I miss hearing his voice each day, and obviously thats not an issue for him, because hes on his "SPACE" thing and has just wandered off. Sometimes the truth hurts us so much, yet sometimes we have to face it and accept it.
Piano Guy,
One last question....Do you think I should do it or let it go? Is there going to be any satisfaction for me in doing it or is it just more emotional drama for me?? What would you do?
Above all else, maintain your dignity. That is my motto. Do what you need to do to maintain or regain your dignity. If calling him gives you some sort of dignity back, I'd say do it. But the chances are it won't. If the universe intends for you to make your point it has an amazing way of presenting you with the opportunity.
Hang in there!
jerseygirl2006...
PG can only speak from a 'male point of view'---so he expects one or two ivillagers to disagree.
If I were in your situation...I wouldn't waste another minute of my time with the man! In other words: LET IT GO!
Sure you can utter a final "verbal parting shot" that'll probably make you feel like you've gotten closure. But what's the point? The man you were seeing was basically a scum bag. He has no consideration for your feelings...and I'm willing to bet he treats other women in a similar fashion.
So you can either remove him from your life entirely...OR...try to have the last word!
But---wouldn't you rather concentrate on somebody who will treat you better???
Pianoguy
Sharona
Thanks for the response and the comforting words. Im sorry to hear that you have gone through something like this too, but Im glad to hear your doing better. I think at this point time is all I have to work with.
Your right about the "trying to make sense of it" thing. Ive been doing that and Ive found nothing there to bring me any comfort. The real truth is it doesnt matter anyway, all that matters if that he has hurt me so many times, more times than I care to admit. There were things like going into his bathroom after making love, and seeing a womans makeup compact on the counter in the corner, walking into his room once and finding a picutre of the ex live in right there next to the bed (after it had already been put away), then after a wonderful vacation together in March to Punta Cana I gave him a picture of us (in a gorgeous frame) and a few weeks ago when we were heading to bed I noticed it gone.
Personally, I think he got tired of trying to keep up with the picture changes, depending on who was at his home! LOL
And if I havent mentioned it he does this "space" thing about every 3-4 months since we got together two years ago....so I think this time its time for it to stop. I dont think its space for thinking that he takes, its space to feel free and to look at other possibilites in life. But each time gets harder for me because as time goes by we grow closer after each "space" thing. Or should I say I do.
You inspired me last night Sharon, I was writing my thoughts down as to why I need to keep walking away. I wrote it as if it was to him, but Im not sending it. But one of my reasons was that my children need to see a happy mom, not a mom thats sad, hurt and confused. They saw enough of that with their father and I for a few years. They even have told me they hate what he does to me and they dont like him too much anymore.
What greater inspiration does a woman need than that? Hugs to you and stay in touch maybe we can help each other here.
Susan
asutherngrl
I wanted to take a moment to thank you too for your post. Maintaining my dignity is difficult because Ive not shown much along the way if Ive let him treat me this way before. You see I accept my part in this mess, Ive always made it to easy for him, by taking him back, forgiving him for his lies, burying my pain and hurt to try and make things work.
But I think a person can regain that dignity and Im attempting to regain that and my self respect right now. That is the greatest gift I can give myself right now.
I agree that calling him wont help me regain it, it will only cause me more hurt, drama and tears..I think the ex live in is back in the picture and I thought of telling her all about me and that he was cheating on her with me for so long....but that at this point is the action of a scorned woman, not one doing to help another person...
I think I get more satisfaction knowing that hes afraid of that happening. He knows I have the means to obtain her address through law enforcement ties, and hes already asked if thats my plan. But I see myself as a bigger much better person than him and I wont fall to his level....so its not going to happen...I really do feel for her and if she is considering taking him back into her life its a shame she doesnt know what he is but it cant be me that tells her.
Hi jerseygirl2006,
I'm sure you got some good advice here, so I wanted to give you a list of books to consider:
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard M. Halpern
Facing Love Addiction, Pia Mellody
Obsessive Love by Susan Forward
How To Fall Out Of Love by Dr. Debora Phillips
When Your Lover is a Liar, Susan Forward
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