I'm beginning to wonder

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
I'm beginning to wonder
4
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 10:49am

I'm engaged to a man whom I've been dating for 10 years last week. He moved to a different state after he lost his job and I stayed behind until my twins graduate from high school in a couple of years. We lived together for 5 years before he had to move. When we lived together, he was extremely critical of my kids (then 7 years old) and we had many battles and even did family counselling for a while until he decided that we were fine and didn't need anymore help. He is very secure financially and is extremely "frugal" to the point of being cheap. There are constant discussions about money and how much he has, needs, wants. Anyway, he built a home in the new state that was supposed to be "our house" when I finally move in with him after the kids go to college. He has said that although the kids can come "home" on college breaks that "no one is living with us." The kids won't be allowed to stay at the house if we're not home.

We've had many go-rounds about the kids. They aren't destructive, they don't do drugs or steal or drink alcohol. They're teenagers who are sometimes messy and self-absorbed. I discipline them and they're good students and involved in community and school activities. They're no perfect -- no teenagers are -- and we do have our battles. But for years, I've been trying to reconcile how he feels about them vs. how he feels about me. Can this work? I'm beginning to wonder.

As I said our anniversary was last week and I planned a week's vacation with the kids in his new home state. We stayed with a friend b/c I couldn't handle a week with him and my 2 16 year olds under the same roof. I'd planned to spend one night together with him at the house. He's an over the road truck driver and when I called him to make the plans for our visit, he told me that he wouldn't be home b/c he had the opportunity to make more money and would be staying on the road (we hadn't seen each other in 2 months) and that I wasn't allowed to go and stay at the house when he wasn't there. I'm hurt and angry. Yes, he did build the house himself, but we have an agreement about my contribution when I finally move in with him. He kept saying it was "our" house and wanted my input from the beginning of construction to decorating.

Right now, I haven't called him (I do the calling b/c it costs him money to call me . . . long story). I don't want to talk to him. I'm not sure I want to continue this relationship. But how do I end it? Do I really want to end it? Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-11-2007 - 12:10pm

Welcome to the board carolina10,


Wow, you can't even stay in the house when he's not there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 1:57am
i think that it is ridiculous that your kids can't live in the house and especially that you can't be there by yourself. the other thing is that if he hasn't seen you in 2 months why wouldnt he take the time off to be with you. do your kids like him? to me it sounds like he likes to be in control and only thinks about himself, and only does things on his time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 10:00am
I have 17yr twin girls, it can be interesting to say the least sometimes :)

He is not going to change his ways unless he wants to. It will only get worse if you move in with him. He is telling you how it is going to be, you are not making decisions together...a relationship should work both ways but yours doesn't. You need to stop letting him control you. He doesn't respect you, your relationship or your children. He is a selfish jerk. Your kids should be your #1 priority, why are you with someone that barely "tolerates" them? Don't call him, if he calls you tell him to take a permanent trip on the road. Find someone on that does love and respect you AND your children. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 12:45pm

I'm thinking this may not work, but not for the reasons everyone else seems to be.


It seems like there's an overriding opinion that your children should be allowed to live in the new house, and for that reason alone, he's being called a selfish jerk for saying they cannot after college.

Myspace Codes