Im confused and need some help....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2013
Im confused and need some help....
7
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 6:17pm

Okay well me and my boyfriend have been together off and on for 10 years we have been through a rollercoaster from cheating and separating to getting back together. I mean we have been through hell and back. We have an 8 yr old son together and we also live together again. I have asked him why he hasnt yet married me and his reply is always i dont want to talk about this or its not you its me. Also this past year he was involved in a wrong place wrong time deal and he almost lost his life. But i was there with him by his side to recooperate every step of the way. and i dont want praise for that because i feel thats what you do when you love someone thru thick and thin....

I am coming up on a 28 birthday on june 27 and i was sitting back thinkning you have lost me and almost lost your life and your still not ready for marriage? I am over and tired of fighting about it and i  have come to the point where i packed clothes for myself and my son and told him i am leaving to stay at my parents house until you figure out what it is that you want. all his response was ok. 

I have threatend to leave him before and only acted on it once before  and now i just dont know if i am wasting my time i do not want to waste another 10 years of my life waiting........

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 7:39pm

Yes you are wasting your time--I mean why should he marry you when you stayed with him so long, had a child with him and lived with him?  What was the incentive for him to marry you?  And why would you want to marry this guy anyway?  He's a cheater and he was involved in what sounds like some criminal activity, even if he wasn't the criminal, he must hang around criminals--unless he was just walking down the street & there was some drive by shooting or something like that.  Do yoursel a favor, go back home with your parents and stay there until you can find a better quality man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 06-24-2013 - 7:40pm

I don't know why my post came up blank but the short version is yes, you are wasting your time and also you should find someone better.  He doesn't sound that great to me that you should want to be stuck with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 12:26am

There is basically no incentive for him to get married.  You threatened to leave, but you went back.  You had his child, you stayed by his side when his was not well, etc.  What more would he get from a marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2013
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 9:02am

After I thought about it some more and read the replys it starts to sink in. Why buy the cow when the milk is free?? And I can't say that I'm dumb because I am very well aware of everything but I can say that love is powerful and it sometimes make you look past a lot of things. In reality though I think its time to let go. if he loved me he would do it because he knows that this is what I really want. Thank you both for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-25-2013 - 3:53pm

I want to add that you want to find someone who wants to marry you because it's also what HE wants, not just someone who is doing it to make you happy.  Marriage is difficult and both people need to be committed to making it work out.  So if you have one person who's reluctant to do it in the first place, how much effort do you think that person will make when things get difficult?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 06-26-2013 - 8:32am

Agree with Music.  Also, please remember that even though you have been with this man for 10 years, which at times must seem like ages, you are still very young.  Don't compromise, think of the life ahead of you, and do what is best for you and your son.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 06-26-2013 - 11:03am

Love may be powerful, but I think you're mistaking love for him with love for what you want him to be.......and he's not, and he never will be.  If he hasn't married you by now, he's never going to marry you.  He doesn't care that you left......I'm sure there are others that will comfort him in his time of need (that's sarcasm in case you didn't understand!)  He sounds like a terrible example for your son, too.  Children learn how to live their life from their same sex parent, and he's learning some terrible lessons.  He will grow up to be just like his father, and make some other woman miserable, because he's never seen his father respect his mother!!!  You're out of the mess now, and you have to be strong and STAY out of it.  I'm sure the last times you went back he promised to marry you......and he'll promise it again.  But he won't do it......ever.  Who wants a man that you have to beg anyway?  No self-respecting woman!  And he's taken away your self respect, I'm sure you know that.  Work on getting it back, and never ever accept a man that treats you the way he has treated you.  Take some time off from men and get your self respect back.  Stay with your parents, get a job if you don't have one already, and see how sweet life can be without a loser making you miserable and unhappy all the time.  Good Luck to you!