I'm a confused guy...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2004
I'm a confused guy...
3
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 11:31pm

Hello all.

I hope you don't mind a guy searching for women's opinions on this issue--the guys' Web sites just say to suck it up and move on. Honestly, I'm all for that, but I need to understand a few things first.

Granted, every step I made in this ex-relationship was wrong: from turning down a job offer to moving in with her (and her child). This was not my finest hour, at all. Everything was impetuous. That said...

I met this woman 2 months ago, we fell madly in love on the third night, I went away, came back, moved in with her (and her child), explained to her that I didn't have much money (first BIG mistake), and said that I would take any job just to be close to her and to try to earn my past salary.

I know, I know. Utter insanity. But I entered the relationship with the most open heart I've ever had. I actually wanted to help her child; I actually wanted to be a part of the family. I know that love alone doesn't make a good nor fair relationship.

A bit of background: Since my parents' deaths, I've been in a constant state of 'what next?' I've basically arrested my development on purpose; I just didn't want to be devastated again. That was 7 years ago, and I recently got sick and tired of feeling this way! I want responsibility, I want maturity, and most of all, I want love.

A bit of background on her: She's done some VERY questionable things in the past (which I won't divulge here, because they need to stay there), but it seems that those things are going to explode on her soon. I really wanted to be there to support her through all of this unusual stuff.

Here's the problem: She brings it on herself. I accept my responsibility in the break-up (I basically 'mooched' off of her and her girl, I was moody and surly due to unemployment), but she either overlooks her part or ignores it. I was pretty okay with breaking up and moving out (she called me at work with a one-day ultimatum and was gracious enough to offer to buy me a ticket out of town), but I became angry with the way it was handled. So cavalierly, so callously. It's as like the months never happened.

Now for some advice: I HONESTLY went into this relationship with my heart open, my responsibility cap on, and full-on knowing that this was basically an instant family. She is a lovely woman and has a great child. But what haunts me is the last thing she said to me: 'I realized that you don't have your s**t together. Heck, I don't have my s**t together. I need someone who has their s**t together.'

Wouldn't the board think that all that went down in this relationship, that she would take some time off? I know I sure am.

I hurt, but I'm not devastated. I care how she feels, but honestly, when someone is that dismissive of you and your relationship, come on. How can you care?

Any advice would be good--and please, take off the kit gloves. I can take it.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 2:25pm
Well I'm confused about what you are confused about. What are you wanting clarification on?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 2:48pm
I kinda see what you mean. Maybe she was a bit harsh but she may be more upset than she's letting on. Dismissing you and your relationship maybe her way of dealing with the situation. Breaking up is difficult for anyone but when there is a child involved you are so busy trying to make sure they don't get hurt sometimes you forget about everyone elses feelings. including your own. If your still on speaking terms maybe you should mention how her comments made you feel. but don't pressure her or make her feel guilty. She may have just been angry at the time. Hope it works out 4 ya.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 3:10pm

Maybe it's not confusion--maybe it's guilt manifesting itself as confusion.

I feel very badly about the situation, but early on, she was in FULL agreement on everything. Maybe I was expecting the world. But, boy, it was fun being a 'husband' and 'dad'. I hope I can find it again.

Thanks for reading my post.