I'm a confused guy...
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| Tue, 11-16-2004 - 11:31pm |
Hello all.
I hope you don't mind a guy searching for women's opinions on this issue--the guys' Web sites just say to suck it up and move on. Honestly, I'm all for that, but I need to understand a few things first.
Granted, every step I made in this ex-relationship was wrong: from turning down a job offer to moving in with her (and her child). This was not my finest hour, at all. Everything was impetuous. That said...
I met this woman 2 months ago, we fell madly in love on the third night, I went away, came back, moved in with her (and her child), explained to her that I didn't have much money (first BIG mistake), and said that I would take any job just to be close to her and to try to earn my past salary.
I know, I know. Utter insanity. But I entered the relationship with the most open heart I've ever had. I actually wanted to help her child; I actually wanted to be a part of the family. I know that love alone doesn't make a good nor fair relationship.
A bit of background: Since my parents' deaths, I've been in a constant state of 'what next?' I've basically arrested my development on purpose; I just didn't want to be devastated again. That was 7 years ago, and I recently got sick and tired of feeling this way! I want responsibility, I want maturity, and most of all, I want love.
A bit of background on her: She's done some VERY questionable things in the past (which I won't divulge here, because they need to stay there), but it seems that those things are going to explode on her soon. I really wanted to be there to support her through all of this unusual stuff.
Here's the problem: She brings it on herself. I accept my responsibility in the break-up (I basically 'mooched' off of her and her girl, I was moody and surly due to unemployment), but she either overlooks her part or ignores it. I was pretty okay with breaking up and moving out (she called me at work with a one-day ultimatum and was gracious enough to offer to buy me a ticket out of town), but I became angry with the way it was handled. So cavalierly, so callously. It's as like the months never happened.
Now for some advice: I HONESTLY went into this relationship with my heart open, my responsibility cap on, and full-on knowing that this was basically an instant family. She is a lovely woman and has a great child. But what haunts me is the last thing she said to me: 'I realized that you don't have your s**t together. Heck, I don't have my s**t together. I need someone who has their s**t together.'
Wouldn't the board think that all that went down in this relationship, that she would take some time off? I know I sure am.
I hurt, but I'm not devastated. I care how she feels, but honestly, when someone is that dismissive of you and your relationship, come on. How can you care?
Any advice would be good--and please, take off the kit gloves. I can take it.
Thanks.

Maybe it's not confusion--maybe it's guilt manifesting itself as confusion.
I feel very badly about the situation, but early on, she was in FULL agreement on everything. Maybe I was expecting the world. But, boy, it was fun being a 'husband' and 'dad'. I hope I can find it again.
Thanks for reading my post.