I'm devastated

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
I'm devastated
8
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 5:09pm

Hi all -


This

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 5:44pm

Hey r2boston,


How you doing now? I've got a suggestion - do you think you should stop looking at facebook, at least for a while, or remove your ex from your friends list, so that you can't see their updates? Perhaps this will help you to forget/not see things that hurt you?


Hope you don't think I'm being too forward or blunt, but, I've just been on facebook and it made me cry!


As for the rest of your post - well, again, it'll end up being blunt, but, it seems to me that getting in touch again has brought more hurt and more confusion over your feelings. It also seems that you're no longer doing the things that you wanted/made you happy? I'm sorry to say it, but it reads like you are back where you started! It also sounds like they're taking advantage of your good nature - understanding that you will let them have space and forgive them for whatever they do to you - perhaps this is something you need to question - for your own self/health/sanity/happiness.


I read yesterday in quite a lot of posts about the no contact period and it made perfect sense to me. It's better not to have contact at all, probably for the first few months (Minimum period for me!) at least till you're feeling stronger and doing the things that you want to do with your life, perhaps you've even managed to move on. I feel that this allows you to be strong enough to care for yourself and really see the situation for what it truly is - either that you are likely to get back together, or sadly, you are not and you have to move on.


Hope this helps - or at least, doesn't make you feel worse!


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 8:35pm

Hi r2boston,


First, for review and for others to catch up on your story, here's your previous posts:


Moving On ...


I'm sad and I miss him


Just venting ...


Freaking Out!!!


Facebook is the bain of my existence


::He says that he has been doing things that he thinks is okay but knows will hurt me because he needs to do them in order to be a healthy guy and ready to be in a relationship.


Can I say this reeks of 'this hurts me more than it hurts you' - I want to smack him and I don't even know him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 12:34am

Thanks Carrie -


:)


I guess in defense of him, he was telling me that there were some things that he is doing that he does not regret but he know it will hurt me. So he feels bad about it. I don't think he's telling me that it hurts him more than me because he is still doing that thing which will hurt me if I found out.


Throughout our relationship he's always been, in his words, inexperienced, on how to be a good boyfriend, and he feels like he needs to realize that through talking with other girls, and who knows what else with them.


:(


I want to smack him too. But I guess he gave me all the info I need to know to get over him. He's trying not to be a jerk, he doesnt want to hurt me and says that I'm on his mind, but he needs to be looking out for himself as well and do his thing so he can be ready for a healthy relationship.


I guess everyone has their way of recovering...


And it's so true Carrie - people do what they want to do because they want to do it - and that's what kills me. I gave him 2 years of my devotion and love and he chooses to do whatever that may keep us apart. It may be better for him in the long run, but I think it'll damage anything we have in the future.


Sad..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2007
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 2:04pm

Hello chicka,


I completely understand what you are going through and I almost felt like I was reading about my boyfriend and not yours. Me and my boyfriend broke up about 6 months ago and it was for the same reasoning. He just was not ready....my pain did not stop until I completely cut him out of my life, no checking his myspace, no calls, no talking to him when I see him, not asking questions about him. I made myself busy with other things, like working out, working, friends, shopping, books, educational things....and it worked!


We took two months apart, completely and then what do you know. We run into each other at friends bday deal and it was completely different. He took time to learn about himself, and he learned that he cares for me and loves me, but only TIME away from me could teach him that. He is an amazing guy and a wonderful human being that never meant to hurt me but...at the end it did.


I will tell you one thing, if he did do anything with other girls, you wont be able to move past it. Thankfully we didn't have those issues to deal with, but just being in his room after our break up made me feel so weird....like was there another girl there or something.


I know it sounds rude but you honestly have to zero him out of your life. Because its no fair for you...and what do you mean you will miss your chance, you sounds like a kick ass girl to me, I bet he is the one that is missing out. I came here a lot about 6 months ago and thought this really helped, so I am here for all the other girls that helped me as well. Just be strong and he will come around if he really cant live without you or cares for you like he says he does...its almost better once you know all these things and clear things up because you will feel like this is what I deserved...but only time can do that.


Give him his space and he will either move on, which you don't need anyway, or he will beg for your time again!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2007
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 3:22pm

"He says that he has been doing things that he thinks is okay but knows will hurt me because he needs to do them in order to be a healthy guy and ready to be in a relationship. Even though he tries not to think about me before he does something, he says he always has me in mind."


LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 11:17pm

Hey alison353 -


Thanks for your post! I'm not going to look at his facebook or myspace, and even if I do, I see it in a different light now. I know that I will not get what I want from checking his profiles and it will definitely not help me from moving on.


It's true, I was doing fine before this conversation and it was my fault that I thought we were getting back together. I thought to myself, this is sad, I'm alone, I miss him, but don't worry, he'll come back to you in time, and that would keep me sane and less sad. And that's how I would cope. But now after this conversation, I don't feel like there's a purpose to do things, or I miss him even more because now I know I'll probably never have the chance to see him again, or get together and experience life with each other.. Before I would watch a movie, and think, I wish I could talk with him about this, and I know sooner or later I will because he'll probably get back with me. But now, it's not the case. :(


I definitely will be maintaining

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 11:27pm

Hey bldijana -


I definitely DEFINITELY need to do what you did, take time off him completely and occupy my time with a lot of things. Right now I have ZERO motivation to do things, because I'm just so sad that he may never be with me ever again, that I have truly lost someone I cherished.


And maybe my guy will come back to me saying that he realized how much he wanted to be with me, and if he did do anything with anyone, I guess it depends onhow I feel at that point. Maybe I'll be too far separated from him that I won't care. Or maybe I'll still love him the same way that I will have to care. My therapist asked me, Why would you want to know if he did anything with anyone? And it's just that I would feel the connection we had was totally disrespected by him if he ever did anything physical with anyone else. I don't think I could handle it. And I understand he's single now, and he can do whatever he wants, but I know myself. And this is what depresses me the most. I know that I could never get over it if he HAD been physical with other girls. And it seems that's what's going on.. And it's like I already know we have no future..it sucksssssssss.


And you're right, I definitely have to know that he is the one missing out. I really am a cool girl! I'm not trying to be cocky. But really, I know I deserve more. I just hate it that I picked the guy I decided to share my all with and he decided not to do the same. AHHH.


True, if he does come back to me, then hopefully he'll come back a much better and improved boyfriend - someone who appreciates me the way I deserve. And if he doesn't come back, then he was a guy who gave me 2 great years,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Thu, 11-29-2007 - 11:37pm

Hey intj -


Thanks for your post!


I appreciate your input. I just have to say though, this guy is really totally not the typical ex boyfriend jerk. He has a great heart, but an immature brain. He definitely isn't trying to lie to me or manipulate me. He's not that type of guy.


What he meant by doing things that's okay with him but I won't like but that he needs to do them to be ready for a relationship is this: For example, he knows that I would never like it if he went a got a drink with a girl, or danced with one, or made out with a girl, or went on dates, etc. etc. Yes it is true he may be sleeping with them or whatever - anything can be true. But he feels that in order for him to truly appreciate me and truly know what he wants in life, is to see what else is out there, see how other girls react to his behavior, etc. By doing this, he feels he'll be better equipped on what basically is required to be a good boyfriend. And by doing this, he'll get to a point where he'll say, okay this is definitely what I want in a girl, and then he'll go find that girl.


He never had a single guy life. A guy that would hook up with random girls, etc. He went to Spring break (before he met me) and didnt hook up with anyone! And believe you me, this boy is a hotttttiiieeee.


But I had my hook up phase before him. And after kissing so many frogs, I realized what I truly wanted. And it seems maybe he'll have to do that.. or some kind of variation to that.


But I totally agree with you when you said, ""Look, if he truly feels "bad" about anything he's doing, then he WON'T DO IT. It's that simple."" I totally agree.


Yes it's ture, he isn't ready to be with me. He doesn't know when he will be ready for any relationship.


I definitely need to learn how to devote the time and love into myself. I know I deserve more.


Thanks for your input intj!!


:)