Im doing the break why am I so sad?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2013
Im doing the break why am I so sad?!
Wed, 01-23-2013 - 7:06pm

So I am needless to say devistated.

My story is very unique and I am desperate for some comfort. Sadly, my support system claims to be existant however when I go to turn to those who always turn to me and I am there, noone is able to be found.. So I turn to you, stranger on the other end of this note for some comfort. I thank you in advance for your time.

So, my story however a long winded one I will sum up in short. 

I ended a relationship three years ago with an emotionally disconnected man that I loved so much and got my heart broken. Months later I found the man I am with now- my now soon to be ex.

We met through mutual family friends, instant emotional connection- lots of attraction, - problem was we were long distance. States away. He had his job I have my career here..

We struggled for our first year together with the distance and all that goes with it-jealousy, missing, and all the conflicts against us. We fell in love fast- he moved very quick which I was a bit hestiant but went with because for the first time I had found someone that fell in love with me and showed it in every way- 

After a few months into the relationship I saw some red flags but I was so blinded - He was ( Is) a big drinker- his mood  changes at the drop of a hat. We would go through cycles and terrible moments for me- verbal abuse etc. He is a war veteran with major PTSD mind you- so having grown up with this, I knew how to comfort him and being in those scary situations were nothing new to me-

Why was I in this relationship when my childhood was a prominent staple of what I didnt want to be or be with... 

Problem is now two in half years have passed. We were engaged- a blackout evening of a brawl asking for his ring back in a drunken rage and twice broken up he has moved here to my state and while things are better- the only thing better is the length of time between each episode. I thought perhaps the distance was what the big factor in the abuse was however I am sadly wrong. This relationship is killing me. I have asked him to leave, and I find myself more upset than him. I am a mess, truly heartbroken- Why?? Battered wife syndrome? Fear of being alone at 30??? anyone listening please share your thoughts.. I am making the right decision, but why am I devistated and crying like I am making a terrible mistake?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 01-24-2013 - 11:27am

I think you are upset because you hoped things would work out and of course there must have been some good things about him or you wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with him, so you are going to miss the good parts of him, even though you won't miss the bad.  Then there is also the fear of the unknown future, worrying that you might not meet anyone else--and of course since I'm 55, I'm telling you that 30 is so young--you have plenty of years to meet someone.  I decided to get divorced from my 2nd DH who has bipolar disorder and sounds a lot similar to your BF--he could be very nice but there were just too many upsetting arguments and I wanted to get off the emotional roller coaster, so in one way I was relieved when he moved out but then I was also sad about the relationship ending cause I had put so much effort into it.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Thu, 01-24-2013 - 6:30pm

Hugs to you...

At the end of the day, you know that while you may love this man, the unresolved baggage that he is bringing to your relationship is overwhelming for you and you know that you do not want to live through it.  If he's got PTSD, then he needs to be in treatment for that, not drinking his way out of it.

Peace of mind and peace in your home are very precious and dear. You are too young to tie yourself to a man whose unaddressed issues will age you faster than anything else.  Until he shows a strong desire to fix himself, you will be walking on eggshells around him, waiting for the next episode to kick off.  The torture of how long it will take before the eventuality rears its ugly head is too much stress.

Let yourself grieve the loss and be kind to yourself.  Give yourself time to process out the end of this so that you can move on.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 01-25-2013 - 11:57pm

I think you're codependent. You grew up in a chaotic household and probably filled the role of "rescuer" or the kid who tried to make everything OK by being overly responsible and taking on your parents' role. You're repeating that in adulthood.

Do yourself a big favor: do some work on yourself before you get involved with anyone else. It's NOT your job to "save" a guy from his problems. The next time you meet someone who presents those well-known red flags: run,don't walk in the opposite direction!

You deserve better. You just need to believe it.