I'm getting weak again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
I'm getting weak again...
8
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 5:10pm
A few days ago, I wrote here about how I’m in my 5th week of no-contact, and my ex approaches me Monday morning with an apology. You guys gave me great words of encouragement to keep my head up and stay away. Well, we’ve (me and my ex) been emailing back and forth all week and I’m starting to cave. The discussions between us started out rough with us playing the blame game back and forth, but I guess I convinced him that he was in the wrong, because I started getting apology after apology and pleas of me forgiving him. So, yesterday, after thinking over everything that he said in his emails, I came to the conclusion that I really did not want him in my life anymore. I sent him one last, very long email telling him that I was still too hurt and just wanted to be to myself for a while. I told him that if he loved me the way that he claimed in his emails, that he’d respect my wishes and stay away. He did not respond. But, today, he called and offered to buy me lunch. I turned him down, but then I started to rethink rather or not I should give it another try. I’m so confuse right now. My emotions are up and down. One minute I hate him and never want to speak to him again… the next minute I miss him and want to welcome any attention he gives me. Please talk me through this and convince me that taking him back would be a huge mistake! I need words of encouragement again! Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 7:59pm

I don't know that taking him back is a huge mistake or not. Only you can come to that decision. Think long and hard about what broke you up in the first place. Are those reasons still in place? A few "I'm sorries" won't solve some bigger issues that will probably creep back up again. If the issues were minor, then I wonder what prompted the break-up in the first place. Either you or he don't have tolerance for conflict? I don't know the specifics of your situation so it's hard to say what the best course of action is. But the thing is, you broke up for a reason. It's easy to forget those reasons when you're in the midst of the powerful emotions of missing someone. If you think the break was for all the right reasons and your issues are too big to handle at this point in time, then I would encourage you to be by yourself for a while. If you broke up for minor reasons, then I would still think long and hard about your (or his) ability to commit through the inevitable hardships that come with maintaining a relationship.

Hmmm... I feel bad for saying this, but I sort of envy your situation. My ex hasn't tried to contact me (its been almost two months), and I know he won't. I know if he did, I would feel weak/confused too, so I know it's really better this way. Better in that I don't have to face what you're dealing with now. But it hurts to know he doesn't care enough to try.

Anyway, good luck and keep us updated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 9:56pm

It's funny you ask about how and why we broke up, because I honestly don't know. It's not like I caught him lieing of cheating. All I know is that we spent a wonderful year together and I grew very attached to him. He even talked about me being his wife some day, so I'm thinking, maybe this is getting serious. But for whatever reason, by the end of the summer, which marked our one year point, he just starting fading away. He stopped being attentive. He'd break dates, wouldn't return calls; and just be totally unresponsive to anything I said or did. I asked him time and time again what was wrong and if he was ready for it to be over and he'd only say I was being paranoid. Well, around the middle of November, I expressed to him, very emotionally, that I was scared I was losing him. He just basically told me I was overracting and that I was too emotional over nothing. I couldn't take the coldness anymore, so I finally stopped making attempts to contact him, and needless to say, he never called to find out why. I just saw it as a situation of him wanting it over, but not having the balls to end it. He did't want to be the bad guy. And now, all of a sudden, after me spending Thanksgiving and Christmas alone, he suddenly wants me back in his life. It doesn't make any sense to me, but I'm truly sick of trying to figure it out.

Anyway, I had a weak moment when he called and offered me lunch today. I'm already over it! Like you said, I thought about how hurt I was about him blowing me off the last few months and I realize that I don't want to give him the opportunity to do it again. So, I'm starting up the no-contact rule all over again as of today. I'm not answering emails or phone calls. I already emailed him yesterday explaining why I need this time to myself. He's shown me by calling me today that he is not going to respect my wishes, so screw him. I'm done looking like the fool.

Thanks for your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:13pm
Hmm... his actions seem to show that he got freaked out by how close you were getting. And when you ended it, it made that fear of commitment go away and he's free to pursue you again. I dunno. Maybe I've been reading too many self-help books. :P
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Thu, 01-11-2007 - 10:32pm
Hey, stick to the self-help books. At least your ex didn't drive you to therapy. I got so depressed, I sought professional help. But it's helping. A few weeks ago, I was an emotional wreck. I got out of bed only to go to work, but it truly is getting better with each passing day. Contacting me this week threw me off a little, but I'm back to my senses. I hope everything works out for you in the end.... Just stay stong and don't let him hurt you again. I've come to terms that 2007 is all about taking care of me! And I hope you do the same. Take care of "you"! Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 2:31pm

::been emailing back and forth all week and I’m starting to cave

As long as you are in contact, breaking off and staying broken up, will be hard to do.

I remember your first post and I remember the way you described him, the examples we that he didn't like to address anything. You think he's changed any?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 5:22pm
I know for a fact that he has not changed. After thinking over everything that he said all week, I came to a conclusion that his apology was only to clear his own conscience. He kept talking about how he was going through a rough spot and he knew it was only because of the way he treated me. I didn't feel his apology was sincere at all. He practially forced me to accept it. He just wanted to be let off the hook. So, in my final email to him, I expressed that I have forgiven him, but I have not yet forgot and the pain is still pretty new. I basically told him that I needed more time to myself because I was still very hurt about how he put me off in the past. I asked him to respect the request to stay clear of me for a while. But what does he do the very next day? He calls and offers to buy me lunch. For a minute, I was touched, but after letting it sit for awhile, it bothered me that he practially ignored my request for more time. So, I know he has not changed. He's still doing things for selfish reasons and still wanting me to do things on his time. He has absolutely no consideration for my feelings. It took me since November to realize that, but it all makes sense to me now. He's selfish and self-centered and I honestly don't want anything more to do with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 6:11pm
Oh, it's it wonderful when we know what we really want and when we see people for who they really are? It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but it's a little easier to accept. Good for you!!


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 8:56pm
Good for you.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit