I'm a guy in need of women's thoughts...
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 10-19-2006 - 3:15pm |
I broke up with my girlfriend almost 5 months ago. We were completely in love but for reasons that are long and complex, we broke up. In short, we broke up because our values on living together before marriage didn't match up. I wanted to live together. She didn't. Also, I'm in the military and had to move from the city I met her in. This created a long distance relationship and the fact she refused to live with me before marriage led to our break up. Furthermore, I wasn't ready for marriage when I left so that didn't help.
Anyway, what's written above isn't the reason I posted this. Let me go ahead and tell you what has happened since our break up and then you can decide if I'm ridiculous or not. First, I'm still completely in love with her and I'm angry because of it. She's given me every indication that she's doesn't hold those same feelings for me. I never know how to react with her and everything I do seems to be the wrong move. For example, we tried to "just be friends" but I would get really upset because being friends isn't what I want. Besides, I can't go from such an intense emotional bond with her to "friends." That's lame. So, the second thing I did was completely shut her out of my life because I thought if I did that then I could start the healing process and move on. That didn't work because I would keep crawling back. The sad part is that I never wanted to break up with her to begin with. I wanted her to move with me and when she didn't, I got upset and ended things. This entire break up has involved me pouring my heart out to her trying to get her back and then her either ignoring it (by not revealing anything as to what she's thinking or feeling) or her just talking to me like I'm just someone she met on the street. Either way it's been horrible for me and yet I continue. I don't know how to proceed. I want her to tell me what she's thinking. Of course she won't, so I'm left pondering whether my behavoir is mature enough to handle an adult relationship (I'm 26).
The story continues...
I met this other girl in the meantime. We'll call her "E." E and I "dated" for about a month and a half. Early on there were several warning flags I noticed about E that I knew meant things were never going anywhere. I continued to date her because I was trying so hard to match the emotional attachment I had with my ex, that I was putting up with all of E's crap. Plus, I wanted to prove to my ex that I had also moved on when in reality I had not. I ended up being a complete jerkoff to E and told her never to talk to me again to which she responded by being a complete jerkoff back. We even went as far as to list the faults we saw in each other. I know, I'm lame.
This all ties into the fact that I'm still left with the emotional scars of the break up with my ex that should have never taken place. I often question if I'm ever going to find someone else.
I need advice on:
1). How to deal with my ex? I still love her and want to be with her but the feelings don't seem to be mutual.
2) I need advice on how to come to terms with my own emotions. I never had a problem with them before, but then again I had never been in love before either.
3). What behavioral traits should I display to a potentially new girl that may be interested in dating me? I mean, I can't figure out what women really want. It just seemed easy back in the day and now I suck at it. If things with "E" is any indication of what I'm in store for in the future, then I've digressed quite a ways.
I really don't think I need counseling over this. I just feel like I'm walking down the wrong path and need to be guided back down the right road. If you got this far, I'm impressed. I hope I didn't bore the hell out of you. And just so you know, I'm not a guy that can express feelings very well, so take that into consideration. The fact I wrote this is somewhat of an accomplishment. Thanks for reading and replying if you so choose to.

I can understand why your ex will not share her feelings with you any more. It's called self-preservation.
You went from 'just friends' which you couldn't be because you wanted more than that, to no contact to heal, but it was driving you crazy.
My advice (which I'm sure you won't like) if you are not ready to marry your ex, leave her alone. She wants marriage. You don't. You want to live together. She doesn't. If either of you give in, then you are compromising your own desires and belief system, your morals, values and standards.
As far as E goes. Stop dating or getting involved with others until you are healed. It will take a lot of self-reflection to get inside your head and know what makes you tick. Counseling can be the fastest way to achieve this.
1). How to deal with my ex? I still love her and want to be with her but the feelings don't seem to be mutual.
You can try one more time to express your feelings for her. But she probably does not see the point of continuing the relationship if she doesn't feel you want to marry her.
2) I need advice on how to come to terms with my own emotions. I never had a problem with them before, but then again I had never been in love before either.
You have to grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.
3). What behavioral traits should I display to a potentially new girl that may be interested in dating me? I mean, I can't figure out what women really want. It just seemed easy back in the day and now I suck at it. If things with "E" is any indication of what I'm in store for in the future, then I've digressed quite a ways.
Maybe E was just a lesson to show you that you are on the wrong path. Getting involved before you were really ready.
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
First of all, I just want to say it is nice to get posts from men on this board and to hear that they hurt just like us women do. My ex and I have been apart for 4 1/2 months and like you and your ex, I wanted different things in the relationship than he did and I paid for it by him literally running away from our 8 month relationship without answers on why. It does sound like you and your ex are not seeing eye to eye on some very important issues and if that is the case, they are not going to get any better unless one is willing to give in to the other. I haven't had any contact with my ex since he ran and at times, it is still hard for me and that is why I am still on this board. I deeply loved him just like you loved your ex BUT the reality is, is that my ex didn't love me as much or we would still be together. You and I can't stay with someone and give them the OK to treat us badly no matter how much we love them.
What has helped me is to concentrate on ME and do the things that make ME happy. I have spent a ton of time with my friends and family and that has helped the healing process a lot. I have not started dating yet because my heart is still healing but I do know that one day I will be ready without any emotional baggage from the ex. You are very young (unlike myself who is a 40 something mom) and you have a lot years ahead of you to find love again. Please take this time and "reconnect" with youself before connecting with someone else and this may mean staying out of the dating scene for awhile. Don't take this the wrong way but men do have a harder time being by themselves than women do and I think that is why men will get back in the game before they are emotionally ready.
I hope this helps some.
Take Care!
WOW THATS LONG...JUST KIDDING ANYWAYS...you seems to be a nice person...i mean if you mention here the only reason of break up is "MARRIAGE THING"...so whats the problem of you ask her back "BE A MAN"..and tell her all of this...instead of looking for someone and your not even sure if that girl will be better than her...GOT MY POINT DEAR?
if you really love her...this is for my own opinion only and its up to you if you wanna do it or not its up to you...so here it goes...ASK HER BACK AND DO WHAT SHE ASK YOU "MARRY HER"....this what always wrong in a relationship we always run to are problem instead of facing it...I THINK SHE LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH AND I'M JUST WONDERING HOW HARD FOR HER TO LOST SOMEONE LIKE YOU....TRUST ME DEAR EVEN YOU FIND OTHER GIRL. IT WILL BE THE SAME PROBLEM...ESP IF YOUR THE ONE DONT WANT TO BE FULLY COMMITTED....
THE BEST THING IS ATLEAST YOU KNOW YOUR EX THAN WHO EVER YOU MEET SOON...RIGHT?
SO FIGHT FOR YOUR FEELING...DONT IGNORE IT...I BET YOU SHE WAITING FOR YOU ALSO...DONT WAIT TOO LONG...BEFORE ITS TOO LATE..."GOOD LUCK"
I feel like I can provide some sort of insight on your problem as what you have described is me... but on the otherside. I just broke up with a active duty military man about a month ago... and long story short, we broke up because there didn't seem any real future for us. He wanted to get married and have me follow him around, and I wanted a career, which I knew, in my line of work, would not happen with frequent travel. It was his decision to end things but I agreed with everything he had to say. He knew me well and he knew that that lifestyle wouldn't make me happy, and I would end up resenting him for it. So he let me go. But just because I know this was partially my decision doesn't make it any easier. I miss him every single moment, and now that I know how much I love him, I realize that some sacrifices MUST be made for the man you love. But I have realized this too late and I am sure he has already moved on to some girl who would be more than happy to follow him to the ends of the earth. I am an idiot, but that has nothing to do with you. ANYWAY, just speaking for the significant others of military men, it is SO hard to be with them, because when you have to give your life not just to him but to the military as well. Time commitments, long stretches without seeing each other because he can't get leave, etc. I have been through it with him for two years and it was a huge strain. So the girl must commit twofold - to you and your lifestyle. And no one recognizes the sacrifices she makes. The fact that this girl was even willing to consider marrying you in the first place is HUGE, believe me. I couldnt do it. And I respect her a million times for not wanting to live with you beforehand without the ring... do you know how high the divorce rate is for couples who do that? I would have said the exact same thing.
She was smart and guarded. And it seems to me, please don't take offense, but you threw her away because she didn't want to do exactly what you wanted. If you really wanted her, you would have respected her decision and waited till you were ready to marry her, but not pressure her to live with you. So to wrap things up, if you think she is the "one" perhaps she is like me, regretting that you wouldn't be open to what she wanted in the relationship because you never saw the sacrifices she was willing to make. Please do call her and tell her you have come to these realizations. If she is anything like me, you could make her the happiest woman on earth. Good luck.