i'm just not sure how to feel...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2005
i'm just not sure how to feel...
2
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 2:10am

Ok.. i'm just going to start from the beginning. I met this guy at disney and he lives in CT and i'm in FL. we hooked up for the night and we were speaking every night for hours and hours for about 3 months. we both knew it was ridiculous to have a relationship because both of us were going off to college in the fall. it's really hard to explain the relationship that we had- i was under the impression that it was "just be honest." never before had a guy known me so well and, yes, i know i'm young, but still. I've never really felt so emotionally connected with someone before- i trusted him so much and i was so willing to be honest about the way i felt (which never happens!!!! i still have that immature mental block up with most guys) so to make a long story short, we officailly "stopped talking" a little over a month ago. i basically havent stopped thinking about hm since the day i met him, and it's only gotten worse since we havent spoken. i was under the impression he had more important things to think about and was just really busy. eventually i accepted the fact that things just wouldnt work out and that he had moved on, and i needed to be realistic about the situation. so finally, i decided it was ok to breathe again and live my life without thinking about him ALL of the time. then the other day, my friend randomly IMed him online asking for her own boy advice (she had never spoken to him before) and they were talking abd then all of a sudden he went into this long monologue about how he cant stop thinking about me even tho we never talk anymore. he said he even broke up with his girlfriend because all he could think about was me. he said he thought he loved me, but he knew it wouldnt work. anyways, i know now to take this with a grain of salt, but of course, it's hard. it's so nice to hear that your object of infatuation feels the same way. he's being more realistic about it this time, now that we're slowly starting to speak again. but the thing is- i'm just feeling so many different things!! on the one hand, i don't know if i want to even begin to sort of speak again because i know it won't be the same, and i don't want those memories to be ruined. also, i don't want myself to go back to the place where i was a month ago- completely hopeless. so i kind of want to say something to him about maybe we should just not talk on the phone anymore because as much as i love to hear what he has to say to me, nothing will change. we're both growing up and both finding ourselves and neither of us want to make a commitment like that. the thing is.. there's just something about him. i can't figure it out!! how do you know when to take a chance on things like this?? the feeling i had a month ago thinking that what we "had" was false was just absolutely devestating. and now that he's saying he feels what i feel, it's gratifying to know at least i'm not alone. is it ok to throw logic out the window?? or have i just seen too many movies?? and yes, i know, if things are meant to be, they will be- i live by that motto. but at the same time, i just dont know how to feel right now. and i don't want to hold myself back on anything for him, but i'm not. and i know if there's someone else out there for me, then i'll find him. and there probably is someone else. but what if you just have that feeling?? i know he's not willing to take a chance on anything like us which makes me think maybe i shouldnt either. but i just can't move past him! i'm much better now than i was a little while ago. i'm just so scared that if we start to talk more often, i'll eventually be back in the same spot i was. and really, i just can't go through that again. anyways, i guess my main question is- how do you know what you're feeling is real?? and is it bad to just throw caution to the wind and embrace this again?? i'd really appreciate any advice!! thanks

p.s. i know this whole story may sound very immature- and it probably is. but i'm still hurting. and no, we never saw each other except for the one night, but you must admit, it's impossible to not grow close to someone when you speak to them nightly for hours on end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 11:00am

Sometimes that brief moment is so special. The chats so important and to be cherished. And sometimes a love, as brief as it might be can hurt a little or a lot. Enjoy the brief time together and move on to college. It sounds like he has some amazing qualities you like. Find that in the man you want who is closer to your home and more a part of your life.

Good luck in school. This is your future so make it wonderful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 2:30pm

When I read your post, I just had to reply...

Your situation sounds very similiar to what mine was. I met my ex while he was on vacation, we clicked, and kept in touch. At first we were just friends, but things slowly developed over time. We started talking more and more and became very emotionally attached to one another. We would spend hours online and/or the phone together...and we eventually realized that we had strong feelings for one another. We decided to try and be "together."

We tried this for several months yet never managed to see each other again (long story). And eventually things fell apart. A big part of it was due to the distance between us, but another reason was that we started finding out things about each other that we didn't really like. I won't go into much detail here, but I will say that I found out he had been lying to me and sleeping with other girls, etc. It devastated me and I felt like I had never actually known him.

It is very difficult to distinguish between what is real and what isn't in long distance relationship. Don't get me wrong--if long distance works for you, then that's great; but I think you have to be very cautious. It is extremely easy for someone to hide a lot of who they really are when you don't get to see, or even talk to them very often. I didn't get to witness a lot of what was going on in my ex's life; I really had no idea what he was doing while we weren't talking. I was completely shocked when he told me that he had been sleeping with other people.

My breakup occurred over a year ago, and it took me a long time to get over it. I still have some feelings for my ex; and I do believe that my ex cared for me despite what happened. He's told me that he still cares about me, loves me, misses me, etc. And that's certainly nice to hear...it may sound silly, but it makes me feel better knowing that what we once had was somewhat "real" to him too. But sometimes I wonder if I'm just upset over losing that "fantasy" I had of us being together. I think deep down I always knew it could never really work between us (not only because of the distance, but other factors). I didn't see him other than our first meeting...to tell you the truth, I'm not sure if I would even like him in person anymore. We've talked somewhat recently and he's changed a lot; so have I. He also sent me a couple of pictures and honestly, he doesn't look as good as he used to :) hehe. I don't think we click that well anymore...I don't think seeing him again would upset me. In fact, sometimes I wish that we could hang out so I could finally lose that fantasy image I've had of him for good.

I don't think you're immature, and I do think it's possible to connect with somebody over the phone/internet, etc. Believe me, I know that from experience. But I do think a real, healthy relationship requires a lot more than that. If you want to pursue things with this guy, then I suggest trying to actually see him instead of spending all your time on the phone. Don't get all caught up in an online/phone relationship again...it's so easy to lose yourself and to become someone you really aren't; even easier to convince yourself that the other person is someone they aren't. You need to SEE the other person and spend quality time together.

I guess I wouldn't force anything though. If it's meant to be, it'll be right? Maybe the timing is off right now. But don't put your life on hold for somebody who isn't there. Good luck and take care :) I'm sure you'll make the right decision.