I'm at a loss
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I'm at a loss
| Thu, 07-22-2004 - 1:23pm |
I don't really know if this is the correct board to sound off on or not, so if you think there is a better place for me to discuss this, please let me know. I met a great guy back in February and we talked on the phone for a near month (I travel a lot for work). In March we met for coffee and he said it was good to see you. Then that evening he asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him that weekend. We ended up cooking together at his place and we watched a few movies. He kissed me a few times and it was really nice. He is very easy to talk to as well. I don't mean to ramble. Anyway, for about four months we have been meeting for coffee or hanging out at his apartment. He is 6 years older than me and wants to compare it to the movie Something's Gotta Give. I told him at one point that I didn't want to sleep with him until I knew it was serious. He agreed with me and said he felt the same way. We continued to see each other on a weekly basis. In June he was in Europe for the whole month on vacation. The last time I saw him before he left, he acted very distant and didn't kiss me goodbye or anything when I left. I decided rather than dwell on it for an entire month, that I would call him on it. His response was that he didn't want anything serious. When he returned he didn't call for over a week. I finally called him and we met for coffee. I just recently moved and invited him over for dinner but he couldn't make it. I feel like I am the only one making any initiative here. I don't know what I should do. Any advice would certainly be a help.

As old-fashioned as this may sound, if there's any chasing to be done, back off and let him chase you. Let him pick up the phone to call YOU, to invite YOU out or over to his place for dinner. If he doesn't come after you, then all you can do is move on. In fact, just move on and get busy living life. If he comes back, and you're still interested in pursuing something with him, fine. But who knows, you could end up meeting someone else in the meantime!
If he doesn't come back, just remember, it's his loss.
All the best,
Heymum
P.S. Take some time to think about the kind of man you want and if this guy's behavior falls in line with how YOU want to be treated. Personally, I wouldn't want a guy who'd go away on vacation and not bother to call me upon his return.
You two talked for a month prior to meeting - mistake #1. Lots of unrealistic assumptions and projections were made - that were taken as facts about your character and his, your goals and intentions and his.
Then, you two started to "hang out" - becuase what you were doing was NOT dating......there was no preplanning, with emphasis on getting to know one another in a variety of situations and by investing time in that pursuit......when business and other activities permitted it. In hanging out you mentioned to him "I'm not going to get physical with you until I know that we're serious".
That sent a "mixed message" from you too him.....because you agreed to hang out and kiss, to get friendly and bonded without dating.....which meant you weren't looking for obligation or commitment, you didn't require anybody that you "hung out with" to invest in you as a person on an individual level. And then you turn around during this period of hanging out - and say "without involvement and commitment, no nookie."
You two met up to hang out a couple of more times, he went to Europe, he's withdrawing...because he figured out you were serious. and he's told you outright "I don't want anything serious".
Which he figured you knew that - when he didn't plan and investin ou as a person - just hung out...with the hopes of hooking up.
Write it off, move on. But learn from it..his "goals and intentions" as far as dating and relationship were obvious from the beginning. IF he had wanted to date because he was seeking a partner in life - he'd have made the time, put in the effort, expended in many ways - in order to impress, please, and get to know you.
And...if you'd have wanted that with him...you'd have insisted on it, or initiated it yourself. And when he refused - you'd have moved on.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com