I'm in love, but not with my husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
I'm in love, but not with my husband
12
Tue, 03-06-2007 - 10:29pm

I wrote something again.

Last year I was here and I posted a Story of a Girl -

I told my husband that I wanted to leave and it was like a spiral- I wasn't ready - I always thought that I was so strong... but I'm afraid. Partially because I am afraid to lose a friendship that I am completely addicted to and I love this person. I lie to him and myself about my feelings because he is married - we are all friends. My husband he and his wife.

We make flirty comments - some are more than just flirty comments - we dream about each other - he makes me feel real. I am afraid to leave my husband - I will lose him and I don't know if the little I have of him is enough. I know in my heart of hearts that it isn't enough and something is going to happen - either I am going to lose control or I'm going to gain it. both scare me.

Can I get love back for my husband? Can I leave my husband and be ok with losing him too?
I'm confused and living a lie... My husband thinks I'm trying. My "friend" says that my husband is one of his best friends - and that we have to be careful because things could become awkward - and we talk about my husband and I working on our relationship. I'm so torn up - I want him more than anything or anyone I've ever wanted. But I know that I can't have him - his wife is a great gal... they have a business together and are good together - He is in a good life.

help

this is what I wrote -

FOR WHO

Loss of control
Heartbeats
The emotion it has
For you

Today
Can I make it go away?

Tomorrow?

Fire, heat, measure the pain it is
The unconscious rapture
Pain secretes the pleasure
Hidden below
It doesn’t belong

The truth expands in holding a lie
Can the rouse of devastating need
End before the end

Desires of no control
Fires of less
Truth be told
The lie should end

What of the night
Raining dreams of fire
The emotion it has
For you

Do I
Make it go away?
Let lies melt the truth?
Control, impair the heart?
Smile, create a forgetful soul
The inferno collapses,
By the denial of honest emotions
For you

Empty and in control
For who

Me, him
Or you

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 3:22pm
Please read this and give me some advise... I feel like giving up on me - (not life)
just giving up on loving and feeling passionate for someone (who I CAN have)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 4:17pm

Quite honestly I think you need to talk to a therapist. You don't want your husband yet you're afraid to leave him. You think you will have a great passionate relationship with the other guy but it sounds like he is not interested in leaving his wife and you also need to understand the grass is not greener on the other side.

"Can I get love back for my husband?" I don't know---maybe if you put as much effort into your marriage as you do writing silly poems about someone you're infatuated with maybe you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 4:44pm

Hi suzi_q - you are in a very difficult situation. Nothing good can come of this. Even if you leave your husband, it doesn't sound like this other guy is willing to end his marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 6:09pm

My "friend" says that my husband is one of his best friends - and that we have to be careful because things could become awkward - and we talk about my husband and I working on our relationship.


Right now, you are already cheating on your husband. If you and this "friend" are discussing intimate details of your marriage, then this is an emotional affair- plain and simple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 9:02pm

I deserve that...
No doubt,
However, I don't have someone to talk to, I can't afford a therapist and writing silly poems, stories and music has always been a way for me to express how I feel. It actually helps to write it down, see how silly, obvious and pitiful it sounds in a day or so.

With that said...

I have been trying with my husband. I ask him on dates. I've shown him things in bed that make me happy - something I've lacked for years - I've begun to reintroduce myself to him in subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways. Last fall I gave up and with our talks have jointly decided to continue to try - he has made efforts as have I -

The most difficult thing for me is knowing that I don't feel a deep love for him - the way he feels for me. I don't look forward to seeing him every day. I don't long to snuggle up to him. I don't look at him and think, God I want to make love to him or just touch him. I look at him like a partner whom I've lived with and managed a house/kids with for 20 years and someone I grew up with. This is love but it's not what I need. I don't know if I can find that in him. I am going to try.

This other person, whom I have no business wanting - I feel all of those feelings for. It hurts because I feel them so strongly. And I know that I can't ever go there. I sometimes just want to scream! I don't ever want this person out of my life. Even if it can only be a friendship. I'll lie and be friends, just to be close.... I have been trying to avoid the flirtatious comments we typically make to each other. He is joking as a friend, I'm pretending to joke as a friend.

I'm afraid to break away from my husband, partially because with that break will come the break away from my friend. I know it's stupid and pitiful!!!!!!!!!!! How can I control my heart? I am typically a very in control person, however - with the last 20 years of control.... I'm losing it... I don't want it, I want to lose control and feel as strong of emotions as my heart desires!!!!!!!!

and it's just scary! - all of it.

Thank you for your candor!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 9:31pm

Again - you're right -

I don't know if I can get the courage to break it off with my husband - I'm so afraid of losing so much with that break - my friends - my respect from family and friends (my kids) -

I have found that in the last 5 -7 years this has been the best time of my life... I've been happy with myself - I've gained confidence and finally learned to really accept myself (not have the expectations of myself that meant I was either perfect or scum) I have grown so much - and yet - this situation has really got me. I had not known that I didn't love my husband with passion - I've only in this time found what that was. I know what it is. I know that I am a deserving individual... I've fought for that respect that for most of my years with my husband previous to the last 5 or so years I was lacking -after that - I just decided that it simply didn't matter if he thought I was good or great or smart or deserving of those accolades. He never stopped giving that to himself and looking for it for himself. But I stopped proving anything to him. I shut myself off from him years ago - and now I want to live more fully. I deserve that. The problem is, that my husband didn't mean to be that way - he evidently has some confidence issues that he denies and with that he always had to be the most important person in our lives. he had to shine... and if I started to - he knew exactly how to outshine and he'd be on top again.. sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself... I'm not - I'm explaining a very little of how I came to feel this way -

He loves me - and I love him in familiar way - but not passionately! I want that. I am tying to get it with him. I have been taking steps to "heat up" our relationship. but so far - the sex is good, but I don't find myself wanting him... I do want good sex and we can have that sometimes... but He isn't what I'm desiring. That is a scary thing to find out the difference in that.

This other person - you're right - I've been emotionally attached to him for a couple of years. It has been heating up a little in the past year. We both know that it is not appropriate and that if it gets any deeper - we could cause some serious hurt and problems. although we don't talk about that - we are vague about committing to not flirting or to flirting - we just feel it when we interact. I am not willing to give up all iteraction with this person. I have been putting efforts to limit things and without saying so - I can see that he has as well. He is so important to me - as wrong as that may be - right now, I would be lying if I said I'd stop seeing him and not visit with him. I want him in my life forever - in some capacity - and I think that if the time is right for that to change it will.

If I leave my husband before I'm really ready - I will lose the interaction that I long for with this friend as well. That is a lot to lose at one time. I have to be really ready for that.

Otherwise - I'll end up in a straight jacket.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 10:02pm

Oh my god,

The replies to your very real and very sad dilemna have been so heartless and harsh!

Your poems are not silly and I find it incredibly malicious for someone else to say so. Writing poems is a good way to release some emotion and feelings onto a piece of paper (or computer screen). It's a good outlet for what you are feeling. You say you have no one to talk to, so write poems all you want and never think they are "silly" How (they made me change this word) rude!

I read your post because I'm going through something similiar. I've never struggled with myself so much as I have right now. I do and I don't know what to do. It's very confusing and exhausting and I can imagine how you feel. This is the first time in my life that I have gone through something so complicated and up until this point I thought cheating and feeling for someone else while involved with another was a black and white sort of area. You either do or you don't and there's no in between. Well, I was WRONG! You want to do the right thing, but you also want to follow your heart and if you are as nice a person as I am, you tend to want to do the right thing and forget your heart.

Well, I'll tell you this, if there is a shred of evidence that you might be able to make it work with your husband then try. You'd aways wonder. If there isn't, then leave. Forget the other guy. If he wants to leave his wife, that's his prerogative and he needs to deal with that alone, just as you have to deal with your husband alone. I can guarantee you that you will be fine without your husband should you choose to go. You will grieve and you will adjust, but you will feel better if your heart is not into him.

Sorry to ramble so much, but i don't agree with the way everyone seems to be bagging on your because of this situation. I'm sure if you had a choice in the matter you would have picked to just continue loving your husband blissfully and never being aware of any feeling for anyone else. I can sympathize and I wish you the best of luck!

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 10:34pm

suz,

i was in the exact same situation as you. i was married, knew i wasn't happy, and was agonizingly in love with another guy (though not a friend of my husband's). i asked myself the same questions about what to do, what i felt, whether i should stay; my husband agreed that i would move out but under the conditions that we were "trying to make it work." he was loving, understanding (way more than i deserved). i felt the most intense and incredibly awful, crippling pain i've ever felt, emotionally, and the only thing that made it feel better (this is the horrid twist) was the new guy i was so in love with.

it took me two and a half years to get to the relatively steady ground i'm on now, comparatively speaking. i have literally run the course of everything there is possible to feel, i would imagine. i read books, i saw therapists, i talked the ears off of friends, my mother, i cried, i drank, i cried as i drank, i failed the bar exam.

out of this parade of horribles, this is what i have to offer: i do not think you should stay with your husband, i think the damage is done and it is time for you both to move on, independently of each other. for whatever reasons, you don't love him or you never did, or you do but it isn't the right "kind" of love, whatever. it may be time to set each other free, in light of the carnage that already exists.

that said, do not, and i repeat, do NOT hang your proverbial hat on this new man. the relationship i am DEEPLY mourning right now is the end of the relationship that grew on the smoldering ashes of my marriage. i won't argue whether or not this was "destined" to play out like this, because this guy had his deep-seeded issues that did their part in unravelling us. i would strongly advise you to permit (no: instruct) yourself long, long afternoons of reflection, letting yourself feel your emotions, but KNOW that they will pass, like tides, ebb and flow. it is hard to believe this, i know. i am here for you, email me anytime if you need to chat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 12:55am

Wow - thank you so much!!

I just don't know how to do this. We have plans - and I know that I've read where people have plans and they use those to put off making decisions - I don't want use them, but I guess I am.

We have 3 trips planned with these "friends" in the next few months, and I want them. Nothing very elaborate - just weekend retreats in our homestate.

The first is potentially the most intimate of trips, as the OM (I can't believe I'm using the acronym) and I have moments of alone, and by moments, I mean 5 min. tops... but alone... enough for a look, a little soft touch... and walk away.... why do I long for that so much? This settig is a few couples haning out together, playing cards, craps, drinking and laughing - everyone is busy and moving about the weekend rental. Which is why if we move about in a similar area of the place, we might have that moment. uge... that's just sad.

The other 2 are less intimate, one of them we are included in a very large group of people and couple of hotels with banquets and seminars. The other is just the 4 of us, in which case we all 4 spend together time until we would go to our prospective room.

I know in my heart of hearts that the real choice is to leave and let my friendship with this OM go, but it is so much easier said (as hard as it may have been to come to actually saying) than to do it.

I have saved voice messages on my phone so that when I check my messages i can hear his voice - yesterday I erased 2 of the 3. (they are not intimate messages, just simple ones that say - hey, blah blah blah, so call me)

It actually hurt to erase them. I cried.... I have deleted his email address from both of my home and work accounts, but i know it by heart and I still converse with him through it.

I keep thinking that when the time is right, it will strike me and it will happen... I will finally leave my husband and be strong enough to sever the relationship with the OM.

my stomach cringes when I say that. I know that if I were to leave my husband and continue to be involved, in almost any capacity with this OM it will ultimately end up hurting me and because he is married as well, it could also hurt him.

I have been through so much in my life and i just want to live. i lived through some sort of child molestation that i stopped looking into because it was just too much - being raped at 17 years old... (I was stupid and went to a party (I hadn't drinking) with some friends in highschool and trusted the new guy) and because of my emotional issues in this, I tried to commit suicide at 19 years (my senior year in highschool).

only month's later i met my husband, and we married(now 20 years), 5 month's later had our first son, and less than one year after that, moved across the country to his hometown, while I was pregnant with #2 - by 23 I had 3 kids, no friends of my own to talk to, no phone, a husband that worked 2nd and 3rd shift, who went to the bar after doing overtime - came home at 3 - 6 am to sleep - go to his band practice and start the day over again.

I know it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself. That was very early in our marrage and right now... I'd NEVER put up with that. but at the time.. I was not a strong enough person to see that I needed to do something to make my life better or that I deserved to make my life better. I blamed it all on him. duh... (responsibilty of one's happiness is theirs alone)

One time he almost choked me and I vowed to myself that he'd never hurt me again, he did, but not physically. We made an agreement to stay together and work it out... we stayed together, but 16 years later, I don't realy thinks it's worked out.

Years later, and much counceling later, I am that strong enough person - I made my life within my marrage better, but it didn't fix my childish marrage. I grew emotionally detached from my husband... and frankly, I think he liked it - even though he complained sometimes... he liked me not being needy of him. He could now do pretty much whatever he wanted with just signs of dissapointment, but no more huge arguments.

Now, last fall I thought I was ready to say goodbye and something kept me here... the only thing I can think of is fear... so I've tried to figure out what I'm so darn afraid of... my kid's dissapointment (they are all young adults), the loss of my friends (I know that I won't lose all of my friends, but there are those including the OM that I don't want to lose), loss of respect from some family and loss of a lifestye that I've come to absolutely love.

it will simply rock my world. and I am afraid. people have said, you have a metal bar up your spine - you are the strongest person I know....

yeah right... deciding to change your life so you can be honest with yourself and possibly sacrifise things and people you love can make a person scared and weak.

I think I have the capacity to do it, I'm just not sure when I will rise to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2006
Fri, 03-09-2007 - 1:07am

thank you so much for your kindness - I do want to do the right thing, and I'm afraid. I don't want to talk to my friends about it so much because they are our friends and because, I am trying to lessen my interaction with this other person. But that in itself is a joke, because I just seem to keep going back to talking to him about all sorts of stuff, life, love, sex etc. not all of it is flirty, some is just talking as friends about stuff. giving advise to each other. He is like my best friend.

i Know I have to make a desision, but it is just very hard.

i stayed with my husband since last fall because I wanted to make sure that I knew i had tried. does that mean i just stayed to look like I tried... I don't think so, I have been trying.

None of our friends could believe that we had relationship problems, everyone thought we were the perfect couple... all they knew is that I wanted out. now they see us trying and I am trying to talk to my friends without being insulting to my husband, but letting them know a little of my feelings so that if the day should come that I leave (or if my husband gets the impression I'm not "all in" and he leaves me) they might have a better understanding rather than just the words of my charming husband. I normally don't convince/ or try get people to understand why I do the things I do, or tell them how i feel on a situation because, I jsut didn't think it was the right way to do things. People will like me for me without convincing them of who I am. (i think I have an issue with that because My husband does that terribly - he demands attention - with his charm, stories and banter- he is very social)

anyway... It is late and I have to work in the morning...

thank you again!!

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