I'm in love, but not with my husband
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| Tue, 03-06-2007 - 10:29pm |
I wrote something again.
Last year I was here and I posted a Story of a Girl -
I told my husband that I wanted to leave and it was like a spiral- I wasn't ready - I always thought that I was so strong... but I'm afraid. Partially because I am afraid to lose a friendship that I am completely addicted to and I love this person. I lie to him and myself about my feelings because he is married - we are all friends. My husband he and his wife.
We make flirty comments - some are more than just flirty comments - we dream about each other - he makes me feel real. I am afraid to leave my husband - I will lose him and I don't know if the little I have of him is enough. I know in my heart of hearts that it isn't enough and something is going to happen - either I am going to lose control or I'm going to gain it. both scare me.
Can I get love back for my husband? Can I leave my husband and be ok with losing him too?
I'm confused and living a lie... My husband thinks I'm trying. My "friend" says that my husband is one of his best friends - and that we have to be careful because things could become awkward - and we talk about my husband and I working on our relationship. I'm so torn up - I want him more than anything or anyone I've ever wanted. But I know that I can't have him - his wife is a great gal... they have a business together and are good together - He is in a good life.
help
this is what I wrote -
FOR WHO
Loss of control
Heartbeats
The emotion it has
For you
Today
Can I make it go away?
Tomorrow?
Fire, heat, measure the pain it is
The unconscious rapture
Pain secretes the pleasure
Hidden below
It doesn’t belong
The truth expands in holding a lie
Can the rouse of devastating need
End before the end
Desires of no control
Fires of less
Truth be told
The lie should end
What of the night
Raining dreams of fire
The emotion it has
For you
Do I
Make it go away?
Let lies melt the truth?
Control, impair the heart?
Smile, create a forgetful soul
The inferno collapses,
By the denial of honest emotions
For you
Empty and in control
For who
Me, him
Or you

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Some people idealise the union of marriage way too much. Along with tons of wonderful moments that I wouldn't change for anything there are some really bad situations that I would never want to live through again. The thing nobody ever dwells on is how much hard work marriage is and if you let your guard down for just one second...boom...something like this happens. I've spent so much time wondering "how the hell did I..,.I, a person that would never condon this behavior, wind up here!" Twenty five years of doing the right thing and wham out of the blue....There are no perfect marriages because there are no perfect people . You do the best you can with what you have.
Writing does help(ask any therapist). In just about any situation like this it helps to put your feelings down on paper. Write as much as you need to as often as you need to, then shred or burn what you have written, it's cathartic. Reading helps, so does networking with people who have been through this.
I think I'm beginnig to realize that I romantisized this other guy waaay to much. I saved his messages so I could listen to his voice too. As time goes on though, I'm beginning to realize that his voice was kind of nasally and he didn't have a good sense of humor at all, he wasn't as kind and warm hearted as I gave him credit for either.As I stand back and really look at this other guy, remove the fantasy and romance and take a real good look at him...I don't think I would want him even if I were single and looking for someone.
Forward motion is everything, keep plugging away at it and your answers will come to you. Good luck and know that you aren't alone and there are people out here who are not judging you.
thank you, i am working on seeing the truth in my life. Opposed to the fantasies. After years of just living day to day, I living today, and it is different. I have, just today, told my husband that it is like reintroducing myself to him. We need to build on what is new in our relationship, not what we had, because what we had is gone and frankly, it is part of what got me here.
The OM is a good guy. He wants us to work out and be friends. We just have to also get past this stage in our friendship. at least that is what I am feeling at this moment. a little less desperate. These emotions seem to come in waves, and I am just me, no more and no less.
thanks for the understanding.
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