I'm a male respondant

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I'm a male respondant
23
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 2:42pm

I get the feeling that this website is mostly geared towards women, which getting a woman's perspective here might help me out. I apologize up front because this may get long, but here it goes.

My girlfriend and I were in a serious relationship for 11 months. Throughout those 11 months we had one of the best relationships anyone could ask for. It got to the point where she wanted to get married, but I just wasn't quite ready. I did, however, tell her that I had every intention to marry her when the time was right. I also told her that everything was going to be okay. Towards the end of our relationship my job sent me to a new location. This was at the 9 month point, so we had two months of a long distance relationship. Over the course of those two months things became rather rocky. Our phone conversations would have long periods of silence. And we couldn't seem to agree on much of anything anymore. We had differing beliefs on the wedding, where we should have it, our current long distance relationship...etc. I started to get frustrated but never let her know how I was feeling (I did that a lot in our relationship. I would bottle things up and then react based soley on my emotions.) It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore so one day on the phone I ended it all. That was two weeks ago. It was an extremely emotional break up for both of us and she never saw it coming.

Fast forward to today.

Today, I feel about as much regret and sadness as anyone can possibly feel. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, and my production at work is questionable at best. I'm afraid that I've ruined everything we have ever had. Our recent conversations on the phone have been very bad. She says she's "so mad" at me right now, but I can't help myself from trying to talk to her and tell her how much I love her. I call her or write her all the time. I know everytime I do it I piss her off even more, but I just can't live without her. I don't want things to be over and I'll do anything to stay together with her. I love her so much. I need some help on how to handle her, and our relationship.

Your Reacts without Thinking Friend

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Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 3:13pm

Your post actually brought a few tears to my eyes because as I started to read it I thought you might be my boyfriend. I was also involved with someone for 11 months and brough up marriage but he didn't know if he wanted to marry me, so that's where the similarity ends. I applaud you for coming here to get the female perspective on the situation. Having said that, women are not all alike, so what any one of us has to say may or may not be helpful in your situation. (And also, this board isn't just for women. Men do post here, so you're totally welcome!)

First of all, since you ended the relationship, you have to expect and understand that she's going to be feeling rather vulnerable for a while. She might be afraid that if she says she wants to get back together that you'll just end it again when the going gets rough. Calling her and writing to her constantly isn't going to help if she's feeling hurt and like she can't trust you because you may just leave her again. When will you be moving back to the town you were in before? I think that makes a big difference, because long distance didn't seem to be working very well. So if you're not moving back near her, the relationship may be hard to work out. (How far from her are you? Would it be possible to see each other on weekends or twice a month?)

Here's what I would do if I were in your situation. Since you've tried to call and write and she just gets mad at you, I would take a few days to write her a really good letter, telling her how much you love her and how you see your relationship in the future. But you have to take some time to really think about this before you write it. Do you love her? Does she love you? Is your relationship basically good? Do you respect and admire each other? Do you communicate well? Is sex enjoyable? Do you really miss being away with her and can't wait to be with her again? Is she someone that you can seriously see spending the rest of your life with? If she is, then tell her that. Give her a list of all the things you like about her and your relationship. Tell her you would be willing to work on all the difficulties you have, if she will just take you back.

But also tell her that you understand that she may be upset and angry that you broke up with her so you're going to give her time. And then give her time. Don't attempt to call or write or get in touch with her in any way. Let her know that if she is willing to take you back that you would be happy to get back together, but that it's up to her. Then just give her time.

If possible you might want to consider seeing a therapist to talk about some of the issues that were going on in your relationship that caused you to break up with her.

Oh, and this is totally unrelated to what I just wrote, but send her flowers, a really nice bunch of flowers. I'm not saying that will fix things or make her run back to you, but it's always nice to get flowers.

Good luck to you ... keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 3:26pm

this is whats wrong with guys.....YOU ARE CONFUSED. IF YOU KNOW YOU LOVE THIS GIRL YOU DONT HAVE TO THINK TWICE "OR EVEN ASK FOR ADVICE HERE..

GO AHEAD MAKE THAT PHONE CALL AND "ASK HER BACK"

IF YOU THINK SHE LOVES YOU...I KNOW SHE JUST THERE WAITING FOR YOU.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 3:56pm

I did send her some flowers and she told me they were beautiful. She then proceeded to tell me that she needed some time to herself, but I kept calling and writing. Just last night the whole situation exploded into a disaster with another phone call and an email (which is why I'm here). I know I'm being a jerkoff, but I just don't want to lose her and her standoffish and distant behavior lately seems to be proof that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. Maybe I am being selfish. All I know is that I do need to work on controlling my emotions. Something that's really hard for me is that I live in one location and she's in another. I'm not going back to live in the same town as her; my job won't allow it. It was our hope to get married and be together in the same spot (as I mentioned before, we couldn't agree on the details of that). So here I am ALONE with it all. Even my thoughts seem to turn on me, because all they do is think about her and how I screwed everything up. Believe me when I tell anyone who's reading this, I've poured my heart out to this girl. I did it before and I've done it even more now. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and unfortunately for me, I react to them without thinking. I'm truly afraid to give her time because I think that will mean she'll move on without me. That's a pill I find increasing difficult to swallow. Obviously, all of you could understand more if you had all the details and maybe her side of the story as well. I thank you all for your responses. By the way, I realize I spelled "respondent" wrong in the title. I'm not an idiot, really.

Again,
Your Emotional Friend

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 4:16pm
Unfortunately, you don't really have a choice in the matter. You must give her time, otherwise you will drive her away. If there's something good about the relationship, she will come to see that in time. You can't force her to see things the way you see them. Use this time to work on your own issues. Is therapy a possibility?
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 4:27pm
Yeah therapy is a possibility. Although I must admit that I never really considered myself as someone who needed "counseling." At this point I really don't feel like I'm in a position to say what's good or what isn't good for me. So, I guess I should look into all possibilities to get my mind straight. Thanks for the response and any additional insight would be helpful if anyone has anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 5:27pm

What happens when you chase something?

Myspace Codes

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 5:37pm

I guess my previous message was too direct or something.

So I will just say this: if you keep doing what you're doing, you will almost certainly negate any chance you have of getting back together. If that's truly your hope, then you need to let her be. If it's meant to be, it will happen.

Sheri




Edited 6/12/2006 7:15 pm ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 3:59pm

Hi there... I am actually in your exact same position. I lost my temper and broke up with my ex on the phone. I realized a few days later that I totally messed up and wanted him back. I called him and apologized, told him how I felt, but he said he needed a break. During the next week or two, I took the time to really think about what I wanted, what I needed to work on so the relationship could work, my mistakes, etc. I wrote this long handwritten letter and mailed it to him. It talked about how I wanted to respect his "break" so didn't want to call or email... how I'd thought about my mistakes and know what I need to fix... talked about the good memories/times we shared... talked about the lessons I've learned... and at the end, I made it very clear that he did not have to respond to the letter until her felt ready to do so. He called me a day after he got it but made no mention of the letter. It has been two weeks since he got it and so far he has only told me that he got it and has read it multiple times. He has been calling me frequently (I only call to return his calls) and our convos are friendly and nice -- no pressure. I make sure NOT to bring up our relationship status or what he's thinking or where we stand, etc. I just keep it casual. I don't know how helpful this will be to you -- I guess what I'm saying is that you blindsided your ex when you broke up with her, and introduced doubt and insecurity into the relationship. She is hurt, upset, angry and she certainly doesn't want to be put in the position of being dumped again. I think you should give her space i.e. no calling or emailing. If you want, write the letter but make it clear at the top that you want to respect her space and this is a final effort to let her know how serious you are about patching things up with her. Then after you send it, YOU'LL HAVE TO SIT BACK AND WAIT. The ball will be in her court. You cannot call her. Hope this helps. I can't say for sure this is a successful plan given that my ex and I are not back together, but I will say this: getting all that stuff on my chest and sending that letter made me feel a lot better.

BTW... I don't think you need counseling. I don't like how people on these boards throw that out as a solution to everyone's issues. Some extreme cases could use it, but you are definitely not one of them, IMHO.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 4:16pm
Thanks for all of the replies. I'm trying my hardest to deal with this and give her all the space and time she needs. The hand written letter is a good idea. I'll have to do that. I'm not really expecting her to get back with me even though that's what I want. Sometimes people find it easier to give up after being hurt rather than face an uphill battle to fix a relationship. I think my girlfriend (well, ex-girlfriend) may be one of these cases. In the end, I've got to be prepared to accept what has happened between us as a very long and painful learning experience. I guess nobody claimed that relationships are easy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 4:34pm
That's the right attitude. When I sent that letter, I told myself to not expect ANYTHING. Not to expect a response... not to expect even an acknowledgment of receipt... not to expect him to take me back. You must have zero expectations or you will be devastated. Plus, having no expectations leaves room to be pleasantly surprised. Good luck!

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