I'm a male respondant

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I'm a male respondant
23
Mon, 06-12-2006 - 2:42pm

I get the feeling that this website is mostly geared towards women, which getting a woman's perspective here might help me out. I apologize up front because this may get long, but here it goes.

My girlfriend and I were in a serious relationship for 11 months. Throughout those 11 months we had one of the best relationships anyone could ask for. It got to the point where she wanted to get married, but I just wasn't quite ready. I did, however, tell her that I had every intention to marry her when the time was right. I also told her that everything was going to be okay. Towards the end of our relationship my job sent me to a new location. This was at the 9 month point, so we had two months of a long distance relationship. Over the course of those two months things became rather rocky. Our phone conversations would have long periods of silence. And we couldn't seem to agree on much of anything anymore. We had differing beliefs on the wedding, where we should have it, our current long distance relationship...etc. I started to get frustrated but never let her know how I was feeling (I did that a lot in our relationship. I would bottle things up and then react based soley on my emotions.) It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore so one day on the phone I ended it all. That was two weeks ago. It was an extremely emotional break up for both of us and she never saw it coming.

Fast forward to today.

Today, I feel about as much regret and sadness as anyone can possibly feel. I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, and my production at work is questionable at best. I'm afraid that I've ruined everything we have ever had. Our recent conversations on the phone have been very bad. She says she's "so mad" at me right now, but I can't help myself from trying to talk to her and tell her how much I love her. I call her or write her all the time. I know everytime I do it I piss her off even more, but I just can't live without her. I don't want things to be over and I'll do anything to stay together with her. I love her so much. I need some help on how to handle her, and our relationship.

Your Reacts without Thinking Friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 4:54pm

....."BTW... I don't think you need counseling. I don't like how people on these boards throw that out as a solution to everyone's issues. Some extreme cases could use it, but you are definitely not one of them, IMHO.".....


I

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 8:10pm

You are entitled to your opinion of course, but counseling is HARDLY just for "extreme cases". Frankly, I don't know *anyone* who couldn't benefit from some counseling, and the OP clearly could, if he's making spur of the moment, emotional decisions that adversely affect his life without regard for the consequences. How is that emotionally healthy?

Sheri

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 06-13-2006 - 10:03pm
I have to agree with Sheri. Sometimes having someone to listen to us go over problems and over them, helps us to see what the answers are. And we all agree, I am sure, that we hate telling our friends, even our closest friends, over and over again about our relationship/breakup. That's why so many of us turn to this board. Couseling can help us talk through some pretty tough times.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 12:00am
I also agree with Sherri and the guest poster. Speaking to a counselor for a few sessions, even as few as ten, can be tremendously helpful for your personal growth and development. It doesn't mean you're crazy or in need of medication or anything like that. Everyone can benefit from being listened to by a trained professional. It might really help you put things in perspective and come to terms with this loss.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 7:26am

I think we're getting away from the true reason on why I posted my story to begin with. I'm trying to empathize with how my girlfriend feels as a result of my impulsive actions. I wanted to come here and get a understanding for how a typical woman who has been through a similar experience felt, thought, and what the outcome was in the future. I know I made a terrible mistake. I'm not perfect. And, I don't think that I need to rush to a counselor. My ultimate goal here is to learn from my own mistakes and share (and learn) from other couples experiences.

For anyone still interested in my story, my girlfried still refuses to talk to me. At the same time, I've left her completely alone so she can decide on her own how she wants to proceed. I still want to get back together with her more than anything. I'm still going through sleepless nights and bouts of great saddness and depression. Some days are better than others, and with time I should be able to move on. I thank you for all your replies, and if anyone has a reply other than discussing my need (or no need) of counseling than please post it.

Your Still Recovering Friend

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 9:18am
That's women for you! Although, you feel that we have abandoned your issue, I think that if you go back and re-read.... you will find that there isn't much more to be said. You should probably write the letter. Try to stay away from sappy though, sappy in a man is a real turn off, for me anyway. Then you are going to have to wait and experience the pain. While you wait and experience the pain, come to this board and share your sorrow. Read the other discussions and see what the women are feeling. It does help to talk. So, though I am risking pissing you off, find someone to talk to. I know men don't necessarily sit around and discuss their love lives, maybe, a female friend or minister,ect. (I tried to stay away from the C word) By talking it out you will see clearly and have some revelations about things that happened. You need to go through the pain, there is no way around it and no advice to take it away.
Might I add a quick note, I am happy to see that there are men who can be capable of expressing their emotions. Let us know how you are. We are you computer counselors :o) Try to laugh a little, rent some funny movies and get a 1/2 gallon of your favorite ice cream and join us broken hearted women. Good Luck
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 11:26am
I have a question for you. Why do you bottle in your emontions and get so annoyed or frustated that you feel you your only option is to breakup? My boyfriend does the same thing or well, did the same thing. He said he was annoyed and easliy frustated and asked for his key back. He said he need time to be alone, which I understand to clean his apt. and focus on work etc. I guess I dont understand why guys do that. Now I wonder if we well get back together, or if we're even really broken up in the first place because he didnt say anything besides asking for his key back and he'll bring my stuff over after he cleans. What do you think? Questionable remarks
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 2:08pm
You need to read i b sandradees "Things I've learned" she knows what she's talking about. You are wise to re-read her advice to you.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 6:21pm

"...I have a question for you. Why do you bottle in your emontions and get so annoyed or frustated that you feel you your only option is to breakup? My boyfriend does the same thing or well, did the same thing. He said he was annoyed and easliy frustated and asked for his key back. He said he need time to be alone, which I understand to clean his apt. and focus on work etc. I guess I dont understand why guys do that. Now I wonder if we well get back together, or if we're even really broken up in the first place because he didnt say anything besides asking for his key back and he'll bring my stuff over after he cleans. What do you think? Questionable remarks..."

I don't have an answer to your question. Your boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend) may be like me in the sense that I have a hard time putting into words exactly what I'm feeling. When dealing with my ex-girlfriend, perception was everything. If she percieved what I was saying as negative in any way she immediately tuned out the rest of the conversation and became defensive. I'm not naturally someone who jumps for joy with elation when I hear good/positive news. Nor do I run out and tell everyone immediately. So, in the case of my relationship, the conversations we had that dealt with "emotion" mostly were ones when something was bothering me. As I described above, I found it difficult to express these feelings to my ex. As a result, I would just keep them to myself until one day I erupted. Now, there's more to the story than that. We both had differing opinions on some fundemental values that needed to be discussed before we wanted to entertain the idea of getting married. All of these conversations turned sour and both of us turned a deaf ear to what the other was saying. Actions like that further fueled my internal struggle. Ironically, only now that all this crap has happened have I been able truly opened up and expressed how I feel. The problem is I made her so angry that she doesn't love me anymore and wants nothing to do with me. The good times we spent together were incredible. I would trade those for the world, and I would give almost anything to feel those again. I want to get back with her, but I'm starting to realize that some of these fundamental differences may be a problem that won't go away even if we got back together. Anyway, I hope that helps you understand some. Just realize your situation is probably completely different than mine.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 06-14-2006 - 6:31pm
It looks like you are already seeing things clearer. I think that you may be right. In the end, if certain values or big issues can't be solved then the relationship needs to come to its end. Accepting that and moving through the pain is your path now. You will find more answers as you move farther from this day. With each passing day it will become even clearer. Let go of the hope.... I know how painful this is, but it shouldn't take too long. We're rooting for you.