I'm not in love

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2013
I'm not in love
5
Tue, 03-19-2013 - 9:52pm

I've been dating a guy I met online for about 4 1/2 months.  He's a really good guy - smart, professional, makes a good living, responsible.  He is good to me, tries to do things to help me i.e. fixes stuff in my house without me asking, etc.  He is not overbearing - lets me have my space.   He has good friends and I like his family.   

But I don't love him.  I didn't feel love for him early on, but honestly thought I could fall in love with him because he is a good guy and is attentive and thoughtful.   I feel like we are more in a friendship than a relationship.  He is not affectionate and has very little sex drive.  This is something we have talked about and he realizes it is a problem and has tried a few things to help.  Still, he doesn't really seem to want sex and we have it infrequently.  We've never made out.  His kisses are pecks on the lips.  He once told me I was kind of cute, but otherwise hasn't complimented me.  

I have tried initiating more - I took the initiative once to make out with him, but I felt like I was the only one participating and when I stopped, he stopped.   

We also don't laugh much.  He has sort of an odd sense of humor and sort of talks in a weird voice (hard to explain) when he is trying to be funny, but it's not funny, it's weird.  I told myself it didn't matter because he's a good guy, but I like to laugh - I have a strong sense of humor, and I don't see that he does.  

Am I stupid to be thinking about breaking up with this guy?  Should I give it more time?  He really is a good person and he is very thoughtful.  

I'm not sure what to do and I don't want to string him along... 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2010
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 11:04am

It doesn't sound like either of you are interested in a romantic relationship.  I would break up with him.  He might even be relieved.  Some people are just better off as friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 11:15am

Let's start with the idea that there are plenty of nice, normal, hard working guys in this world--it doesn't mean that they are interchangeable and you would love every one of them, right?  the purpose of dating is to get to know each other better to find out if you met the right partner.  Obviously, he's not--he's not affectionate, you have a bad sex life, etc.  So I don't think hanging on longer is going to make a difference.  You should tell him that you find him very nice but have figured out that you don't see a romantic future.  If you think you could get past his wierd voice and still want to be friends, you could offer that but say you would understand if he doesn't want to be friends.  Maybe since he doesn't seem interested in a physical relationship, he'd be relieved that he doesn't have to try.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 12:00pm
I agree with the others. It just doesn't seem like there's any romantic chemistry there between you two and you'd be better off as friends. And personally I find it odd for a man to be so disinterested in sex (unless of course he's gay or has some medical problems causing this) and especially so in a new relationship. I would just be honest with him and tell him you see this relationship as headiing towards more of a friendship than a romance. Good luck
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 4:54pm

Cookie2013 wrote:
<p>I've been dating a guy I met online for about 4 1/2 months.  He's a really good guy - smart, professional, makes a good living, responsible.  He is good to me, tries to do things to help me i.e. fixes stuff in my house without me asking, etc.  He is not overbearing - lets me have my space.   He has good friends and I like his family.   </p><p>But I don't love him.  I didn't feel love for him early on, but honestly thought I could fall in love with him because he is a good guy and is attentive and thoughtful.   I feel like we are more in a friendship than a relationship.  He is not affectionate and has very little sex drive.  This is something we have talked about and he realizes it is a problem and has tried a few things to help.  Still, he doesn't really seem to want sex and we have it infrequently.  We've never made out.  His kisses are pecks on the lips.  He once told me I was kind of cute, but otherwise hasn't complimented me.  </p><p>I have tried initiating more - I took the initiative once to make out with him, but I felt like I was the only one participating and when I stopped, he stopped.   </p><p>We also don't laugh much.  He has sort of an odd sense of humor and sort of talks in a weird voice (hard to explain) when he is trying to be funny, but it's not funny, it's weird.  I told myself it didn't matter because he's a good guy, but I like to laugh - I have a strong sense of humor, and I don't see that he does.  </p><p>Am I stupid to be thinking about breaking up with this guy?  Should I give it more time?  He really is a good person and he is very thoughtful.  </p><p>I'm not sure what to do and I don't want to string him along... </p>

There is no need to string him along. Tell him what you said above--he's a good person, he's thoughful, attentive and generous with his time, but you want a lover and he's demonstrated that he's not interested in being that for you.  That does not mean that he can't be a good friend to you about whom you care a great deal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2012
Wed, 04-10-2013 - 1:37pm

You say you are not in love and that there is no laughter in the relationship.  In my mind no laughter means that in the future it will not improve.  Tell him how you feel and move on.  There are a lot of good guys in the world (like me but I am taken) that can bring laughter and joy into your life.  Go find a guy like that.