I'm the other women...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
I'm the other women...
2
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 12:56am

He was my friend first. I met him when I came to school and we sort of talked but not really. Later we had some classes together and we got to talking more and then I liked him, but I knew he had a girlfriend, so I never said anything. Last year, he called me on Christmas “just to say hi” when I got back to school we started talking on AIM every night for hours and hours. He would walk me to class, he would hug me and not let go and then one day he kissed me. I knew he had a girlfriend but he said they were over and that relationship was ending. So I got involved. And I fell in love. And then I realized he was still with his girlfriend. So I stopped seeing him, I told him if I was her I would hate me and I didn’t want to be that girl. Summer break came and I went away for the summer. I came back to school this year and they were still together. The first time he saw me, he hugged me so hard I almost blacked out. Later he said he had a lot of emotions going on when he saw me again. I started talking to him again online because he was my friend too and we have a good time together. He stopped by one night after work to “get a hug” and we ended up kissing. And then we started our hidden relationship again. I still knew he had a girlfriend but I was being selfish because I loved him and he kept telling me they were over. So he finally tells me that they had a big fight and that he told her it was over. I was so happy. He said he wanted to make it as painless as possible for her because they had been going out for so long (3 years) so he agreed to see a mediator with her because she didn’t understand it was over. I thought that was weird. And I told him that. He reassured me that he loved me and wanted to be with me. And then today he gives me a note that basically says, “breaking up with my girlfriend is hurting her too much and even thought I don’t want to be in the relationship, I can’t break up with her.” I was blown away. I called him and he came over and I yelled at him/ talked to him. I told him that was the dumbest thing ever and I was done waiting for him if he was still with his girlfriend. I told him he should probably get out of that relationship and then find himself. I told him I would wait for him if he was finding himself, but not if he stayed with her. He agreed with me and told me he wanted to be with me after he found himself and that he loved me.

A few things keep coming back to me. Do I really want to date someone who can’t break up with someone. Weird trait to look for, but it’s actually really important. And am I a fool for waiting for him? Is he EVER going to be ready? I really love him and if I move on, I won’t be able to come back to him. That’s just how I work- after I get over someone I can’t go back, even if I want to. So I don’t want to be the fool waiting but I don’t want to get over him. In a perfect world he would dump her, get over her, find himself and come to me. I don’t know if I should wait for that to happen or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 5:17am
A little piece of advice.I've been in the moreorless same situation except that i was the girlfriend.Drop that guy coz he wants both the egg and the omellette.He is instable and is probably too weak to be in tune with his own faults.He's just an egoist,he ptobably doesn't know what he wants.Will u be waiting for a dumb guy like that and what happens if he finds another girl and what will u do then ?Probably his girlfriend didn't understand coz he didn't explain the situation to her,perhaps he didn't want to coz that would mean that he has cheated and he isn't ready to admit that.So drop that guy and find domeone else coz he'll end up cheating on u too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 7:54am

My situation started out the same way, he was my friend who had a girlfriend, he made the first move on me, telling me he always had feelings for me it was over with her, etc, he said he was going to break up with her, so we became a couple, then I found out when she called him at my house a week later one night crying, that he hadnt actually told her, he said he didnt want to hurt her, when I look back now that was such bull, he didnt want to hurt himself. I told him he better tell her the truth or I would, he got all angry and was like why do I have to tell her, why cant I date both of you, i'm not married! I shouldve ended it then, but then he did tell her the truth and ended it with her so I stayed, fell in love, became a part of his family and 9 months later he did the exact same thing to me. When they dont have the decency to tell someone else the truth, dont believe they will with you.

Kathy