I'm pathetic

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
I'm pathetic
7
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:12am
Here's my situation. I met this guy through an online dating service. I was skeptical, but it was great! We fell completely in love. I've had some pretty bad relationships in the past, so it took me a while (and put him through hell) to finally trust him. We were talking about getting engaged and moving in together; we were serious and perfect for each other. Out of nowhere he tells me that he doesn't want to date me anymore, no explanations. So I took it, not believing him, he started his first teaching job and I knew he needed some time for him. Four days later he called me up telling me what a big mistake he made and asking for a second chance. I gave it to him. We had another amazing weekend, but then he started to become unemotional and detached from me. I kept asking if everything was Ok, and he just said yes. We had a huge fight and he broke up with me again, but with no reasons. He said he'd call me in a few days. He never called, instead he sent me an email explanation that he's had some of his own issues to deal with. He told me he missed me and that we needed some time apart before we figure this out.
I gave him three weeks before going over to his house to return his stuff from my place. He was the same exact way (detached, unemotional) as the last time I saw him. I'm having a really hard time getting over him because I love him so much and I know he loves me. I don't understand how someone can go from talking about marriage to nothing in three days. I want to call him, or see him, or contact him, but I don't think that would be a good idea. I don't know why I even wrote on here; I think I just needed to vent or advice or something. I keep hoping that he'll come back.... he treated me wonderfully, like I said we had a perfect relationship and now I don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:31am
UGH, I totally sympathize with you! My BF did something similar to me about 4 months ago. Literally one night he was saying he loved me, he couldn't wait to have kids with me, etc etc then the NEXT night, he said that he didn't know what he wanted and didn't think he could give me what I deserved at that point in time. Believe me, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, I KNOW how hard it is to just be left crushed when you get little to no explanation for the end of what seemed like such a perfect relationship. What I do know is that as much as you want to contact him, YOU SHOULDN'T. HE broke this relationship, it was his decision to break up, so it's up to him to put it back together, if you decide that you want to let him. My ex was also very unemotional when he broke up with me--nothing at all like person I knew and loved. Or thought I knew. He treated me like a queen the whole time we were together too. All I can say to you is hang in there, and don't contact him. Take it easy on yourself, take time to grieve. Don't give up hope just yet, but also keep in mind that it's possible that he won't come back. Time is the only way to tell, as frustratiing as that is. Just let yourself go through all the emotions; it's all normal! Hope this helped....everyone here is great, so you've come to the right place!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:35am

First, you are not pathetic, you have been through a tramatic event and just need to give yourself a break. There is no telling what happened in his head to cause him to change. It could be that he realized he was in over his head and freaked out. You never know and trying to figure it out when he is unwilling to talk to you about it will be a waste of your time and energy. You also have remind yourself that no matter how well he treated you in the past that does not make up for him treating you badly now, there is no excuse. Rather than focusing on him and his reasons, you now have to focus on you. Take care of yourself and stop beating yourself up about his actions. Not sure if the two of you have been in contact over the period you broke up, but limiting contact is always a good idea when a break up is fresh. If you still have items of his at your house, mail them to him do not go over and see him. You will save yourself some pain and possibley another argument. At this point you don't need anymore drama with this guy. Look back over this relationship and figure out what you liked and what you would change. This will help you when you are finally able to move on and have another relationship. He may come back and want to try again and you need to honestly sit down with yourself and decide what you want to happen if he does. Are you wiling to look past this behavior becuase he was great in the past. Does he have the potential to do this again? Were there warning signs that you missed that may have given you an idea that he was going to react this way? These are some hard questions but you will be better in touch with yourself when you can answer them.

So sorry for your pain,
YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 11:57am

Hey-
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I’m glad you found the board- it’s a great place to vent and reach out for support. I’m sure you will get other perspectives, but I wanted to tell you that this guy sounds like he is playing games with you… It is absolutely cold and cruel of him to treat you this way. You say he may have treated you “wonderfully” in the past… but ask yourself, do you want someone in your life who treats you the way he is treating you now? You certainly do not deserve this!

You are right- contacting him isn’t a good idea. You gave him one chance and he has not proven himself to be worthy of you and what you have to give. Don’t give him the chance to be cruel to you again. Don’t give him control of the situation anymore.

When you feel the urge to call him, call your friends or family for support. Vent to them. Or write your feelings down in journal. Get out and do something to keep you from reaching out to him again.

You are not pathetic. You are heartbroken, disappointed, devastated. I know! I’m going through the same thing...It’s terribly painful. You thought the best of someone you loved and they let you down. Now its time to take care of you...

Take one day at time.I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but things will get better.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 12:59pm
i'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this, but you are by no means pathetic! i think that the others have given you some VERY sound advice and i don't have much to add, but i thought i'd chime in and let you know that you are not alone. i experienced the same thing--a wonderful relationship with a great guy who treated me so well. one day he told me he had the best day he'd had in so long and literally the next day he broke up with me. trying to figure out how and why only drove me crazy, so eventually i just came to the conclusion that i was missing some signals or that maybe he didn't know the real reasons behind ending things. you will get through this, you will and no contact is the first and most important piece of advice you can be given. you need time and distance from this situation. take care and you found a great sounding board here!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 1:16pm

Hello Jewlburns,

I just broke-up with my boyfriend 4 days ago, I’m dying to call him, but I have to find the strength not to for my own dignity. I feel like a drug-addict who is having withdrawl symptoms, can’t eat, sleep, can’t work and I have my own business, and constantly thinking about nothing but his sad ass. When to my doctor yesterday got a higher dose of antidepressants and Ambien a sleeping pill, and xanax to relax me, because I have a knot in my stomach the size of mexico so I don’t get up middle of the night and think of him.

F__K him let him think what I’m up to and doing and going out.
This Saturday, I bought a great book you should get it to called
“It’s Called a Break-Up because it’s broken” by Greg Behrendt. It has really helped me so much and I promise with all my heart and soul it will help you. There is a chapter on “NOT CALLING HIM” which that part helped me soooo much. Say’s if you call him, you will delay getting over him, lose your power and take longer to get over him.

There is a chapter on exactly your story. When he says he needs time apart, b--ls--t, it just his way letting you off easily. He loves you right? Where is he taking time off? Tell him to take walk off and time a short peer into deep water and drown.

When you say perfect Jewlburns. Perfect in your eyes, if it was so perfect where is he? He broke up with you? F—K him, your gorgeous, the more we put our energy in it will hold us from our future in meeting the real Mr.Right.

Very simple with men “ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS” If our ex-boyfreinds want us back, they will fight to have us back. That’s it in a nut shell.
Because we must look at who is doing most of the work in the relationship, did I or him? If we said I than the man did not want it as much as much as we did.
My ex-boyfriend is going have to and you should think this way “scratch his way through a brick wall with his fingernails to get me back.”

“A MAN ALWAYS HAS TOO LOVE YOU MORE” A older wiser woman told me that years ago. When we love them more we always do more work.

“I keep hoping” When you say this is sound hopeless, I’m sorry I am not trying to hurt you, I’m there, I know, , in the book I told you about the more you HOPE, you are holding yourself back to your future, believe I understand.

Paris888

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 1:55pm
It's just so amazing for me to see how many of us have the same problem, men starting out so great, and then just dropping the ball. What is up with that? I guess it's like you guys keep saying, it's not meant for us to understand. I've posted here many times and you guys are probably tired of hearing from me, but I think I made a little progress today. Just to recap, I got drunk a couple of weeks ago and called my ex in the middle of the night bawling that we work things out because I was miserable without him and demanded that he talk to me. He hung up the phone in my face, so I sent him a really nasty text, wishing death on him or something like that for hurting me. Then I texted him an apology after a session with my therapist because I really did feel bad about what I had done. He has yet to respond. That was a week ago. I've seen him in passing a few times, and he doesn't even acknowledge my presence and I've been doing pretty good about ignoring him too. Well, today, he had a nerve to say "good morning," and I just looked at him and rolled my eyes and walked away. I don't know, but that made me feel so good. A few weeks ago, I probably would have taken that simple "good morning" to mean that he was ready to talk and I would have called or email him. But, I didn't even get my hopes up this time. I just walked away and let it go. I think I'm finally grasping the fact that it really is over. Aren't you guys proud of me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:19pm
you are not pathetic. You do deserve more though. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to let go. He is not respectful of you or your feelings. If he were, he wouldn't come around until he has figured out what he wants. Instead, he wants to keep you at arms length while he figures it out. Please don't waste anymore of your tiem on him. Get out, get back with friends and family who love and care for you!