I'm Proud Of Myself!!!
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| Wed, 12-26-2007 - 11:07am |
Hi all,
I just wanted to post because I'm doing surprisingly well considering it’s the holiday season and my ex and I broke up 4 days before xmas. That was REALLY rough and you can probably tell from my first post. I was taking it pretty hard, but something strange happened. I finally decided to send him one final text that 4th day before xmas, when he was doing nothing but avoiding me, not answering any of my attempts at contact and when he DID talk to me, it was totally mean and nasty and he was wasted or whatever. It just got so bad at the end for us, and then so weird with him all of a sudden avoiding contact with me and acting so strangely, I think I finally came to terms with the fact that I'll never know why he acted that way, whether it be that he already found someone else and didn’t wanna say it he SWEARS up and down that he didn’t, that he just needs to get himself straight with stopping drinking, etc, or that he was just so wrapped up in his addictions, I'll never ever know. So here's what I did:
Christmas eve I returned all the gifts I got him. THAT somehow made me feel empowered. I went home and deleted everything that had to do with him on my phone and also blocked him from being able to see me or write to me online. I bought a journal to start writing in. The gifts that I DIDN’T return, I gave to my best friends' boyfriend, who is like family and I know he would enjoy them (and he deserves them MUCH more than that jerk ever did), so that made me feel good. I sent him one last text that said "obviously you don’t care about me at all anymore, so im going to respect your wishes and not contact you anymore". This one he decides to write right back to (go figure, huh?) - his response? "we just arent good for each other. Sorry" - a sad response, but hey. So I called him. I think it was an impulse call but I just felt that I wanted to actually SAY goodbye for some reason. We talked for a few minutes, and I cried a little, but something was different. For some reason, I accepted it! I didn’t cry to him and beg him not to go!!! That felt so good! He was saying things like we just don’t get along, and we only have problems when we are together, and that he needs to try to quit drinking and that he needs to do that by himself (that's a crock because while its true, he never said that before, its an excuse for him) but anyway, my point is this… For the first time I didn’t disagree with him! I heard him out and basically agreed and said goodbye gracefully! I was so proud of myself for that! And that was 5 days ago already and I've since had no contact whatsoever (not to mention even the WANT to contact) other than this:
I sent him one last text the day after we spoke. All it said was "are you still going to send me the payments each month, yes or no?" - he never answered me. (This man owes me a couple of grand) so it looks like I've learned an expensive lesson here, but you know what? I feel it’s a small price to pay to get rid of a lying, cheating, addict womanizer!
I had a lonely holiday and cried a little bit by myself in my room, but I've been finding things to do and I keep self-talking that this is DEFINITELY the right decision and that I'll see it in the long run. I know I've done right by myself, and I am better off without him. I'm just very proud of myself right now for accomplishing no contact even if its only been 5 days, I just feel good about it for some reason. Like I got some sort of closure with that last conversation. Even if I don’t get my money back. Its ok. That’s just the kind of person he is, and what goes around comes around. I believe that. So I think I'll be ok :)

Firstly.... CONGRATULATIONS, yes you have done well and should be proud of yourself.