I'm sad and I miss him

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
I'm sad and I miss him
10
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 2:37pm

I'm sad. I just needed to let it out. I've been feeling this way for a few days. And I guess I just need to talk about it.

Quick background: In a relationship for 2 yrs. Ex confessed he made out with a girl a few months ago while we were dating. He confessed 3 weeks ago. It was a mistake and he regrets it. We're not together now because I'm hurt and he has to figure himself out.

The last time I talked to him was 5 days ago. It's hard not to contact the person you're in love with, because you know you have to be un-in love with him. Is that even possible?

I'm struggling with that - wondering if I should fall out of love with him? Or I should just do my own thing and maybe that's how I will naturally fall out of love? Because I can't keep on waiting for him to fix his issues and then come back to me. What if he doesn't come back to me? What if I see him at a club with another girl?? It will KILL me inside if that happened.

So I know I have to fall out of love. It's sad though! I miss him everyday, and then I get mad at him every other day. I know it'll take time. What if he's just dilly dallying around and not figuring things out so we can be together? How can I get to the point where I don't care what he's doing and I only worry about myself? By maintaining No Contact?

It's a weird situation for me.. after he did that stupid thing he did (even though I didnt know about it), he was all about me, and it seemed he was committed. He said it was a one time mistake and it would never happen again and that's why he didn't tell me, and he continued to be in love with me and have this good relationship. But the more he was getting closer to me the more it was eating himself up inside, and he had to eventually tell me after the fact, about 3-6 months after (I don't even know when it happened..!).

SO it's like, we had this relationship and I know we can continue it somehow and be better together, so I guess that's why I still miss him and have the urge to call him and say let's work on it.
But I keep reminding myself that he has to want to contact me and want to work it out...
He's going through his own process of figuring himself out and being able to trust himself..

It's saaaaaaaadddddddd.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 2:50pm

Hi r2boston -


The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly one you can never have - Kierkegaard


Grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 2:56pm

It takes three things to get over a relationship (and you have to have all 3 or it doesn't work): time, no contact and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you weren't right for each other. Right now you need to focus on maintaing no contact, and let time do its work. Later you can focus on reaching acceptance, but for now, changing your thought pattern to something like, if he were right for me, we wouldn't be in this situation is a good starting point.

I don't think you can will yourself to fall out of love--it happens gradually and it's part of the grieving/recovery process. And to a certain extent (and depending on the ex and the situation), the nature of the love changes, rather than going away altogether.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 4:15pm

I'm going to tell you the same thing I said when you first posted this:

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 4:55pm

Sandra -

Thanks for your input. I do admit that he genuinely made a mistake and I shouldn't be so worried. That's why I believe I can eventually forgive him and try to make it work.

What's bothering me is that he hasn't tried to make it work with me as of yet. Yes, of course it's only been a few weeks.

I did tell him that if he wanted to work it out with me, he should let me know, but I did also say that I was going to try to move on, because he doesn't know why he did it and doesn't trust himself to not do it again because of that. So he is dealing with a lot of his own issues.

And I am trying not to wait for him. Because I would cling on to hope that he will come back to me. I'm not even sure if he truly IS trying to work on getting back with me. I'm not sure what is exactly going on. He is taking time off to figure himself out, and he said he doesnt want me to wait. Therefore I interpreted as, he cannot give me any promises, and therefore I should move on.
But I can't help but miss him..

I really think that I do have the light on outside for him to come back. I'm not trying to beat him up over what he did, I know I can forgive it, but it doesn't seem like he's ready to stop beating himself up and therefore not ready to be with me.
It sucks and I wish I could help us.

Thanks Sandra. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 12:46am

I have a question for you: You mentioned something about him not yet working his way back, and while on the one hand that does suck because what is he waiting for, on the other much more logical hand, it's a damn good thing he hasn't yet, because up until what, a few days ago, you've been pretty pissed off at him, true or not true? So if he came to you while you're still pissed off like you were int eh bery beginning (and like I so would be) what would his chances be? Zero to nothing. A snowball in hell comes to mind. Men, being less in touch with their feelings in general than women are, are such logical beings that I'm surprised more women haven't really caught on to them yet. Men are not complicated, they're really not. Women make men complicated by wanting them to act more like women, being all chatty cathies about their feelings, etc., when that's not who they really are (in general).

So seeing as you two have had somewhat of a discussion of this stuff and that he's actually not really sure why he did this, and to be honest, it just may be that he's not well-versed in identifying and expressing what his feelings are, then at some point, if you really want to give him the all-clear signal, you may have to do more than turn on the light, you may have to send up signal flares, etc. But you cannot do his wooing for him, he's gotta come by that on his own. I would ONLY do the "signal flare" right at the moment when you are truly ready to walk away forever, and I am d-e-d dead serous about that. You let him in the meantime squirm and toss and turn over this.

The thing is, there's a whole lot of people out there in the world who erroneously believe that if they looked at someone else, much less kissed someone else, that that means that they must be with the wrong person and that's not always true. Sometimes it is, but most times it's not. What I'm talking about is one-time simple attraction to someone other than a partner, NOT blatant cheating. Your guy I believe falls into the former and not the latter.

Let him sweat it out, do your thing. When he comes back around wanting to talk, leave the door open then to seeing how you feel about it at that time. Don't decide today what you'll do later on, you'll be wrong, I guarantee it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 2:10am
Hey! It's funny because I'm feeling the same way you are tonight. I was feeling somewhat strong earlier but now not so much. I have been crying for the last couple of hours. I am so sick and tired of us having to wait around for THEM to figure themselves out! We know what we want! We want them! I miss him so bad too! What hurts is that they wake up everyday with the choice to contact us and they choose not to. Everything I do remindes me of him and our relationship. I'm going on 5 weeks and his birthday is this weekend and it's going to be so hard for me not to be with him. I read your subject line and I just start crying because I know exactly how you are feeling tonight! I'm sad and I miss him too! This just doesn't seem fair! I feel your pain and I'm sure it's as strong as mine tonight so try to take some comfort that you are not the only one out there feeling this way tonight. The pain is almost unbearable I know. It sucks to love someone so much and feel so rejected by them. I came on here tonight to post a very similar thing with the subject line being "I miss him" I saw yours and it's good to know that we can fall on eachother in times like this. WE WILL BE OK! I PROMISE! Hang in there! Write anytime!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 12:29pm
I also was going to post the same thing. I am going on 28 days of N/C and am still missing him very badly.
Everyone thinks their situation is different when they are all pretty much the same.
I would like to think that the strain of a LDR was too much for him and he had to end communication to deal with his issues. He had told me that several times, in so many different ways, I think I was in denial.
I think the rejection part is the worst. I just wish he would call and leave a message that he is missing me also. I don't want to answer, just to know that he hasn't forgotten about me.
I am sorry we are all going through this. As little one said This Sucks!
Good Luck, I wish you all the Strength to get past this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 1:36pm

Sandra - You have a knack of truly knowing what people are going through! It's like as if you know exactly what my situation is and the best way to deal with it. I feel like some posts on here can be vague or not personal enough for some people to understand truly what's going on (no offense to anyone, emotion can be hard to show thru the comp), but you have a way of getting into the nitty gritty. Kudos!

Okay, you are soo right with what you're saying.
Why would he even try to get back with me if I'm pissed beyond my mind and haven't gotten over it?? This is a good time for both of us to step back and calm down.
And you're saying that Men are more logical - that my guy thought sensibly and saw that right now is not a good time for us to be together, while I being the illogical, irrational one (I totally admit I can be like that) expect him to come begging for me back even though I'm not ready to take him back with all my heart. I mean I DO want to be back with him, but if I did think logically, then I know it will take time.

"So seeing as you two have had somewhat of a discussion of this stuff and that he's actually not really sure why he did this, and to be honest, it just may be that he's not well-versed in identifying and expressing what his feelings are,"

TRUE, I do think, as I said before in a previous post, that he isn't good with explaining how he feels and he doesn't say much because he's always afraid he'll say something wrong. So it's good that he's taking time to really figure it out. Even though I probably can figure out why he did it, he needs to realize himself, and I'm sure he will carefully find some words for his feelings behind his actions.

My signal flares as you mentioned - hmm I never thought I had much control over this situation.. I don't think it's a bad idea to wait until I'm ready to put this behind me and truly accept it's over to show him that I can give him a chance..hmm I'll think more about that.

"Don't decide today what you'll do later on, you'll be wrong, I guarantee it."

Thanks for that piece of advice. Everyone has told me to calm down and stop making rash decisions. I've always been like that, I always just want to make a decision quick instead of wasting time, I tend to be extreme and not take things slowly as they are. I'm not in a situation to make extreme decisions right not.

I will continue to do my own thing. If he comes back to me, that's A-Okay, and we'll see where we are at that point. If not, then hopefully I'll be able to stand on my own to feet and realize it's okay not to be with him..

It'll still be hard but you guys definitely help!

Thaaaaanksss Saaaaandraaaaaaaaaa!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 1:50pm

Hey little one and lanis2007 -

Thanks for your support guys! I know, no matter what differences in our situations, we're basically going through the same things.. we love guy, guy loves us, but guy cannot be with us for his reasons, and we're sad. It's funny when we think, if someone loves us, then why are they not with us? Don't you want to be with some you love?? I guess there's more to life or happiness than love for some of our guys...

I read a post a while ago, like a year ago, which I've saved. I'm not sure who wrote it, but she was advising someone that was going through a rough time like us as well. Here it is:

""My two cents: it is very hard to let go of someone you have the feelings for when you were willing to sacrifice for them and the relationship. Other people say "he's not worth it" but it does no good. I think a huge part of moving on is accepting the other person for who they turned out to be. That can be and is the hardest thing to do sometimes. You have a relationship with someone that's great for a long period of time and then they turn your back on you. You feel like your time, emotional energy and effort were wasted and not appreciated. Two things that helped me some: 1. Just because you are honest and love someone does not mean they will reciprocate. That sucks but unfortunately is a fact of life. 2. A therapist told me that in the last 20 years he has seen a dramatic increase in people who show love and affection but are not truly committed to a relationship.
Sometimes you only see the tip of the iceberg with people. They let you see only so much of them. When the real person comes out then it can be most unpleasant. Time will help. People have probably told you that and you are tired of hearing it. 2 months from now you will probably have let go of some of the anger you have. Feelings of retribution, rage and revenge really only keep you stirred up and if you act on those impulses only drag you down to a place you don't want to go.
It is also hard to accept that there are other people out there who will love you for who you are when you thought you were with "the one." There are good people out there for you and you will find one someday. You probably are not ready for that but it will come.""

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 3:19pm

Hey, thanks for the nice words!


I did not say you're illogical or irrational ;)

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