I'm shocked at how much this hurts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
I'm shocked at how much this hurts...
8
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 4:13pm
I just kicked my boyfriend out. He lived with me & my 2 little girls for 1 1/2 years. I knew I still loved him but we had a terrible relationship. Fighting almost the entire last year. I've been divorced and been cheated on by my ex husband and by the time I kicked my ex h out I hated him. So I was really not prepared to be almost out of my mind with grief over THIS break up. It's so shocking. I thought I's be relieved to have no one to fight with and make messes and piss me off. Now I get why there are 33 million break ups songs. It's so awful. :-(
Me (31) DH (33) Taylor Grace (10) Michaela Elizabeth (7) Henry Michael ^i^ 10/28/10 .. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 5:53pm

Hi charlotte and welcome to the board,


It is shocking isn't it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 8:16pm

Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte!

PG and the rest of the ivillagers who have read your post KNOW that you're grieving.

But would you feel better subjecting yourself and your 2 little girls to this type of male behavior? If you do...they'll assume that ALL MEN behave in the manner of your EX, and that's absolutely NOT TRUE!

Hopefully, when the initial "sting" is gone...your girls AND YOU can find a man who isn't into arguing about everything...and instead...wants to add "harmony" to your lives?

Here's hoping?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 12:46am
Hi Charlotte,
I am in total shock too--I just kicked out my boyfriend of almost 5 years, we had been living together for (exactly) 2 years. I thought everything was going great, we were talking about getting married, we seemed to work through things so well and love(d) each other so much, then one day he tells me he's not happy and doesn't feel that we have a 'deep enough' connection to stay together. We were going to try to work on it, but then all he does is shut down even more so what could I do?
I am second guessing everything, even wondering if the good things really were good, and can't believe this has actually happened, and everyone is telling me this happened for a reason and I'm going to find someone better, but I can't even imagine being with anyone else when I still am in love with him! The problem is I don't want to be with anyone else, I just want things to be the way they were.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 1:12pm
Wow. 5 years is a long time. And to be blindsided like that. I wouldn't have known the pain you are in last week. This week, I know. I am so sorry you are going through this. Right now I'm just trying to get through the day hour by hour. I haven't found that anything helps yet. I'll let you know if I do.
xo charlotte
Me (31) DH (33) Taylor Grace (10) Michaela Elizabeth (7) Henry Michael ^i^ 10/28/10 .. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 11:50pm

Thanks, it actually really helps to commiserate with other women going through similar heartbreak. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to be strong for your girls. At least my dog listens to my problems well and I don't have to worry about emotionally scarring her.
My biggest problem right now is convincing myself that it is really over. I keep having these little tidbits of positive thinking about him or weird things he says that makes me think that it's not really done, although I know in my brain it is, my heart just will not let go.
What I am doing to help is making lists--I love lists anyway--but I made a list of bad things about him that I won't have to deal with anymore and I made a list of things that I have been wanting to do, but didn't have time for since I was busy trying to support him in what he was doing, and I made a list of the wonderful things my girlfriends have been doing for me lately and how much love I still have in my life, even though sometimes it's easy to forget. They all made me cry, but they were better tears that the heart ripping out tears I was having before.

I hope you are feeling even a little better today than yesterday.
Love,
L

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2007
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 6:35am

so, so cool. I make lists too.

one thing though, i don't get the paid of those that have broken up with others. didn't you choose to go on alone? i've never dumped anyone so i don't know.

here is my list why i will never talk/date/see/respond to/etc/ my ex.....:

1. he believde he was from another planet and his true soul mate was also from that planet (but not me). why did he f me in the first place?!?!?
2. he thought that just because I did want to meditate with him (it is really entirely a solitary thing for me) that i didn't really love him or want to give him anything else he wanted. my meditation time alone was the only alone time i had left....ugh.
3. he never even explained why he left me after five years (only stupid reason like we didn't belond together or he didnt feel the same about me now or that we were not compatible.....after five years he finally figured that out).
4. he was a total slut/male whore....at age 30 he'd slept with at least 25 different woman(probably more like 30). I sure felt special; yea right. he said he'd grown up, but the truth was really that he was just older and not as good looking, so not nearly as many woman were interested. I hope that trend continues throughout his life.
5. he was unable to have an orgasim while having actual intercourse with me (only when he would masterbate himeself). How can you ever have real intimacy this way? then he blamed me and the said my vagina was way to big for him to orgasm. I think his dick went dull.:-)

6. he believed in carma and thought that every single problem we had related to past lives instead of the problems we were actually having. He ruined his current life and told me so. old people will talk to him, but he told me the life he could have had isn't even possible any more. and he's right, because it was only possible with me (for him ;-o).
7.he had been married two times before. when i tried to understand why - he blamed everyone he had every been with, but took no responsibility for his own issues (and they were there in spades). everyone has issues, but only some people see their own issues (my little matra).
8. he has a daughter and when i tried to understand why he wasn't more involved in his daughters life, he blamed her mom. some people never understand the things they do/have done. he walked away from her and a judge said stay away. how can anyone just leave their child in someone elses hands?

i could probably just go on all night. i guess i'm the one people u guys have have dumped each time.

:-o

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 12:28pm

I understand how you could question why the "dumpers" are in pain. I guess that is one of the reasons I was shocked by the pain I was in. I kicked him out after a year and a half of fighting, being disgusted by him and being in a constant state of anger. I was am still in pain. To a degree it still shocks me but thank goodness it's not as bad as the first week.

I think because I lost the dream of what I wanted. Now I am alone, even if I was the one who wanted him to leave, it's not REALLY what I wanted. I wanted to be in a relationship with someone I loved. He just wasn't good enough to stay with. I still loved him though. Love him, it isn't gone yet.

I still have these thoughts of "maybe it wasn't so bad" or "maybe he CAN change" that sort of stuff. I know I will be okay alone even though I hate the thought of it, long term at least. I think about what we looked like on the outside. Going to my daughter's school, to the movies or dinner. We were a family for awhile. I looked like part of a family. It sucks to loose that. It is so sad for my girls, too. They had a dad. My little one (she's 4 and never lived with their real dad) called him Daddy. I don't think I could ever put them through that again.

Me (31) DH (33) Taylor Grace (10) Michaela Elizabeth (7) Henry Michael ^i^ 10/28/10 .. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 2:56pm

I had a major melt down last night. I broke up with my BF too (if I can call him that). I did it over email because I never saw him, one of the reason why I finally had had enough with him. Plus I knew if I called him I would be very emotional and upset to the point of saying something I really didn't want to.

I'm wondering now if it was the right thing to do? Needless to say I haven't heard from him since. He hasn't responded at all. Either to say hey I'm sorry that this happened or whatever. He could be waiting for me to contact him, which he did do once when I was really mad at him before. That time he said he was just waiting for me to talk to him again!

So he either doesn't care and is glad I did the dirty work or he just doesn't want to deal with me or the situation. Maybe I gave him the easy out he was too cowardly to do himself. I don't know! Probably all of the above.
It's been very very difficult these past weeks. I don't know when I'll finally be okay and able to just accept things and move on. Too many questions, too many memories, to many things said that don't make this easy to understand at all.

I was thinking the same thing about it not being this hard seeing it's been awhile since we saw each other or really talked. But I was wrong. I have my good days and then the bad one's hit. I miss him. I wish things could have been different. I don't think there will be any working this out or getting back with each other. It's sad. I put so much emotion and time into knowing him and trusting, believing in him, and finally letting someone get close to me again.

I hope you can find the strength to keep going without him and not cave and let him back in.