I'm so confused...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
I'm so confused...
6
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 12:29pm

Hi All,

I need a bit of advice... or maybe I just need to get this out. I'm so confused.

Where to begin - My boyfriend broke up with me last wednesday. We were together for 3.5 years. He broke up with me because he fell out of love, felt I didn't give him all of me, he can't give me what I need (visa versa), He's changed. However this is all fine and dandy, but it hurts.

To begin with, in December he became part owner of a hotel. He left his job for this hotel after 18 years. He's changed in away that he has become on this power trip. He wasn't like that before. During December, thats when his feelings for me changed. He says he still loves me and cares for me, but he just doesn't feel it. I understand.

The problem is that we live together and we have become financially dependant on each other... so I have to stay at the house until I get back on my feet. That makes it so hard - he did sleep one night at the hotel since we broke up, but then its back to sharing the bed with me. On friday he asked me to a movie. I turned that down (we're done. Then that night he "turned me on" and I fell for it... maybe because I needed the comfort. I'm not sure. He says this is a good way to break up because he can check in and see how I'm doing because he worries about me and he wants to give me hugs once in awhile (If I have to be in the same room - I'm on the other side).

After we did it... I looked on his cell phone text message because somewhere in the back of my head the reasons stated above just didn't seem right... anyway on the messages there was "I miss you so much" to this girl. She said that she misses him then he said I really hurt her tonight. I confronted him about her and he says that she had no part in the decision to leave me. That they've known each other for 3 weeks and nothing has happended (I believe that part). He says she has feelings for him and he has feelings for her and likes her a lot because they get along so well, but they are just friends and he doesn't want to get involved with anyone right now. I do believe that something will happen between them, I'm pretty sure that nothing happened while we were still together - he is dead set against cheating. But what I don't get is how after 3 weeks can you have feelings for someone. From what he's told me about her is that she has an alchohol problem (one night she had to get kicked out of his new hotel because she turned psycho) And that on new years eve she slept with one of his friends. I just don't get it. I'm so hurt and confused - sometimes I want him back, even after I found out about her. At other times I'm so angry and bitter.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting this its pretty clear that its done and over he has ruined my trust completey. I am trying to avoid him as much as possible and have started to be selfish with me again (in a good way). I'm just so devestated, hurt, numb, and shocked. I just needed to vent. If anyone has any comments about this please respond. Thank you for just letting me get this out. I'm sorry if its all confusing to read and grammatical incorrect I just started typing and couldn't stop!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 2:27pm
I'm sorry, that's all I can say. There is no way to know what went through his head to make him decide this. The fact that he can just drop things like that doesn't make sense. Sounds like he has had some drastic changes in his life, and maybe he feels this is the way to a new him, what do I know. Whether or not this is the right choice (to just leae you) won't become aparent for months, he might realize that he doesn't like his new life without you, but hopefully at that point you have moved on to someone who doesn't change his mind this fast. The hard part is that you are living together, I was living with my ex and he moved out 2 weeks ago saying that he just wasn't in love anymore. I'm hurt and I cry, I wonder if there was anything i could have done, still feel ill etc. etc. These feelings will persist, the best way for you might just be to cut yourself out of his life, so that he can see that he can't treat you this way, and to give you an oprtunity to heal. You need to talk to your friends, write things down, but what I've noticed is that you cannot talk to your ex about how much you love him, miss him, etc. He knows all this, he has to, and all this does is give them an ego boost about how they are wanted, it makes them feel good. Write your feelings here, and one day it will get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 2:40pm

Thank you for giving me your thoughts. Its so hard right now. I have stopped telling him that I care and love him still. Your right it does give him an ego boost... hadn't thought about that. But I stopped because its only causing more hurt for me. Yesterday, I acted like I was over it... just not really saying much not showing the tears etc. Then he said, it seems like your over it... and I said so how does that make you feel? He said well glad on one hand and surprised on the other that it was so quick. In all truth I'm not over it hence why I'm here. I just can't let him know that. But I do have to keep the peace because I can't leave the living arrangement right now.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation as well. I hope that maybe the healing will start soon... for both of us. Hopefully the ill feeling will go away.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 3:02pm

Oh, your ex is making me mad!!! He broke up with you...he needs to LEAVE the house and go stay with friends or whatever until other arrangements can be made. What a selfish jerk to break up with you and expect to STAY there, in the same bed with you no less!!! I'm appalled.

Since he obviously is too selfish and clueless to do the right thing here, you need to take care of yourself. Do you have friends or family you can stay with temporarily? And what is the deal with the house...do you own or lease it (and whose name is it in)? You need to make a plan...staying there indefinitely is NOT a good idea.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 3:13pm

I know I don't understand why he hasn't stayed at his hotel. I asked him last week to told him I needed my space and time. But I guess one night was enough for my time and space. As for living arragements, we have roomates its lease is though the old hotel where he work - staff accomodations. As for me all my family is out of town and where I live there isn't a whole lot of choices. As for friends they don't really have the room or they have roomates as well. I just don't understand why he has to lead me on at the same time. Oh lets go to a movie, oh hey lets have sex - his rationalizing is I only want to make you feel good / better. It really sucks because I do have to keep the peace.

Thanks for your thoughts... It makes me angry and stalls my healing / grieving.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 5:43pm

Ok, so you may need to sleep on a succession of couches for a while. Anything's better than being in the same place with him. If that is absolutely not possible for some reason, then what is your plan? You need to put one in place.

And in the meantime, set boudaries, communicate them and *enforce* them...such as, he needs to sleep on the couch, no touching, etc.

What do you mean you have to keep the peace?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 6:06pm

Hey!

Thank you for your ideas... They do need to be enforced... and obviously he can't or won't enforce them... as we already know. He has stopped touching me - surprisingly he even said it... I would be sitting there and he'd rub my arm or whatever and of course I'd sluff it off. But he said last night... I have to stop doing the things I'm so used to doing...

whatever

I have to keep the peace with him, because I have to stay there for now or my stuff has to stay there for now... We are financially dependant on each other... and I need to make more head way on bills before I can grab my stuff and run. I don't know - maybe in a couple of weeks there will be a new solution. Thanks