I'm so confused on what I want....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
I'm so confused on what I want....
2
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 11:42am
First of all....I am sorry for this being so long! This has been a long relationship and there is a lot to get out.


My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now, I care for him a whole lot, I would do anything to make our relationship work and I already have done a lot. I got a house in November and we moved in the house after already living together for a year. Things were okay while we were living together before, we had our fights here and there but we also spent all of our time together. After November and moving into the house came, I was enjoying our relationship, everything was great and I trusted him more than ever before (there has been some trust issues in the past). We get a long great, we have alike personalities and usually can finish each other’s sentences. We enjoy the same things and things were going great.

Then...a huge bombshell was dropped in June of this year, my boyfriend confessed to me that he had a cocaine problem. I strongly disapprove of that, and he has always known that. He came to me with this problem wanting me to help him and because I love him and care for him I decided that I would help him. We decided that we would drug test him weekly and budget his money so that he could pay his bills. Well this lasted for about a month and then he told me that he was over it and he knows that he wouldn't do it again. I said okay we will see how things go. Over the course of the next 2 months I could not trust that he would do it and from what I could observe it looked like he was doing it. He never had any money even though he got paid weekly working 40 hours a week. We stopped going out to places that would cost money, he had trouble getting groceries because he didn't have money and he also had trouble buying cigarettes! So I assumed that he was still doing it, there was no other explanation. But then again I was thinking..no he's not doing it, he's never away from the house for long periods of time unless he is at work or helping at his mother's house. I just told myself how could he have time to do it??

To make a long story short, he has gotten into some debt because of this problem and I have tried to help him several times but nothing seems to work. I didn't know what else to do. So on September 3rd I broke up with him because I just could trust him and I was tired of him not being able to pay his bills. He said okay and he left. The first 2 days were okay but after I got back from being away for Labor Day, I really missed him and asked him to come over. This was probably the worst thing for me to do because I listened to what he had to say and I listened and believed that he hasn't done coke and I also listened when he told me he would make a budget and handle his money. So the other night he told me to make a decision on what I wanted to do, I just couldn't stand the fact that I could not be with him because of these issues so I told him that he could stay and we would work things out. Now I am having second thoughts because I don’t think he will change. My friends, parents and siblings would all look down at me because they hear me complain about him all the time and want me to break up with him. I just really do not know what to do. If anyone can give me some advice, I would greatly appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 1:34pm
hi there... what a tough position you are in... caught between doing what you HAVE to and what your heart wants you too... I have never been with an addict, but I do know something about it... my dad was a heroin addict... my Mom walked out on him after 6 yrs... with 3 small kids... because she was tired of him not keeping his promises, and she couldn't stomach the thought of her kids witnessing him shoot up...

You need to be very careful here... you bf needs to get professional help. He has to go to rehab... I have never heard of one person with a coke addiction getting off ot it on their own... ever. He has taken a big step admitting he is an addict. Suggest to him and his family that he seek professional help... and help him get there. But after that he must be on his own. You cannot fix this for him. He has to do it himself. Be very careful that you do not end up enabling him... you may not intend to but could very easily end up doing so.

Also remember that if you get pulled over and he has cocaine on him... YOU as the driver are responsible for everything in your car. My stb-x is a police officer so yes, I know this is true. Scary huh? Scary that someone who loves you can put you in this position...

if you choose to stay with him just be prepared... perhaps join an NA group so you will know the reality of what it means to be with an addict and hopefully a recovering addict. I have a very close friend who has been clean for 15 yrs now... so it can be done... it's just a long, hard road. My dad didn't make it... he OD'd on Sept 18, 1971.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 2:19pm
Thanks for you response..The big problem is that I don't know if I want to stay with him through this. I am only 22 and I want to have fun and go out but he never has any money I guess because he has been doing coke. I guess it's hard for me to say that he is an addict and that he can't get over this on his own. Why do things have to be so hard?