I'm so sad and completely scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
I'm so sad and completely scared
4
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 3:01pm

Hi guys. Yes, I am back and in worse shape than I thought I would be. For those of you who don't know my story, me and my bf of 7 months moved in with eachother at 4 months and now it is ending. I thought this is what I wanted. For him to let me have my space and time to get my things out. But now he is getting his things out possibly today while I am at work and I am so scared! I am so worried because if he really does move out -I am going to inevitablly get evicted because I cannot afford the rent by myself and I will be in the townhome we got "together" alone.

I feel so lost and far away from my friends and family, but most of all for myself. I can't bear the feelings that come along with losing your first love -aka 'heartbreak'. I feel so so empty and bare. I feel like I have to completely start my life over and rebuild myself to the point of being okay again and come to terms with having to face the world again. I am so stressed out. I feel like when I am at "our" place alone, that I need to keep packing and keep my things seperate and in order so I can just get up and go when the time comes. I fear that one day when this is all over and we eventually go our seperate ways that I will look back on this failed relationship as being my fault. I fear that one day I may come to believe that I lost the best thing that's ever happened to me and I will not want to live myself let alone be able to forgive myself. I think I know that this is not true, but it just hurts to know that these feelings will come over me at some point in time.

I fear men now. I fear my own emotions and am so scared that I will never be able to trust again. I never want to go through something so heartbreaking and hurtful EVER again. This is why I have decided that I will be better off alone in my life, which makes me feel unwanted and scorned upon by all decent men.

I have heard that it gets worse before it gets better. I feel like it hasn't even started yet. I don't want to go through the stages of healing and getting over someone. I know that may be impossible, but lord, have mercy on me.

I am now contemplating whose at fault here for this failed relationship. I would love to believe that it is not me, but now I have many unanswered questions and fears that it just may have been me. Was I the one who was unbearable to live with? Was I really that bad of person who is so undesirablly controlling and manipulating? Will I ever change for the better or will I always be looked down upon? Does this relationship affect my reputation as a person?

Something inside me tells me I won't be okay. The apt complex is telling me that If I do get evicted it will go on me and my bf's credit, therefore we will not be able to rent an apt or buy a home for 7 years. The apt complex also said that If I want to save my credit that I need to move into a onebedroom apt and put down a whole nother deposit and sign another years lease. This is killing me! If I don't I lose and if I do I lose. I will be so angry at myself -to the point of not wanting to live with myself if I will be stuck paying all the fees and dues just to save my credit. But worst of all, how will I ever be able to live in the apt complex that is so far away from my friends and family (that is in a diff city) and live in the complex that me and my bf lived "together" at? I don't think I can do.

Should I be strong and sacrifice everything so I can save my credit and live in the complex by myself? This scenario would also let my bf off scott-free...he wouldn't have to pay anything or do anything and would be able to get off the lease in a breeze. I am so scared!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2005
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 3:44pm

Hello

I am going through a similar situation. I have just left my bf of 2ys we moved in together after only 9 months. It wasn't a good situation. I had left a few times and would go back after a week or so. Don't blame yourself and I have a lot of questions too as you. But you have to realize that some things we are not going to understand and we need to take only knlowedge from those experiences. We are hurt and confused now but someday (maybe soon maybe not) we will be stonger, smarter and happier. I believe that there is a reason things don't work out, relationships aren't always easy but you have to decide if you endure rough spots or a rough relationship. I am beginning to realize the difference. It hasn't been very long but I am trying to be as strong as possible. You can't doubt yourself and your emotions. This will only make the moving on process harder, if you decide to move on. Take care and best of luck :)

Valerie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2005
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 4:00pm

Thanks fla.grl -I really appreciate your reply. I think I know in the long run that I will be stronger and hopefully back on my feet someday. I am just so filled with worries and anxiey right now about how my life will be when I am on my own again. I realize that I am not dependent on him as much as I like the attention and comfort of being with someone.

Do you mind if I ask you if you were bound in a lease with this person? Did you break it and endure any debt or consequences?

I am now at the point of either being in big debt or eviction, faking being happy with him for another 10 months or if he decides to say we would be living in misery and a heartachy cycle of ups and downs that could potentionally cost me my job, family, friends, school, or more important me.

Would you suck it up and fake it and take it in for the sake of your credit more so than your well being?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-19-2005 - 6:53pm

I'm just going to address the practical aspects of this for now. How much longer is your lease? Why can't you get a roommate? Have you tried putting a free ad on Craigs List?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2005
Sat, 08-20-2005 - 9:29am
It was the end of our lease (aug 31), we did sign a transfer agreement to move to another apartment next week. That might cause some problems because we are not moving in there now. I would much rather sacrifice my credit than my happiness and well being. Credit can be repaired much easier and with much less pain than an unhealthy relationship. have you asked the cost for breaking the lease? Maybe you could ask him to split the cost of breaking the lease??