I'm so tired of feeling sad...
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| Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:52pm |
It happened Monday night. I am miserable...and I'm the one who broke it off. This week has been terrible. I can't sleep...I'm crying...I keep checking my phone to see if he's called. I keep telling myself I made the right decision in ending the relationship. I don't trust him. Why then, do I feel so awful? Why do I feel I made a mistake?
We've all heard the story before...he's very good friends with his ex. Too good, I would say. I found letters and pictures...and even read e-mails. He still cares about her so much. I approached him with my doubts and fears and he assured me there were absolutely no romantic feelings. He did say that she helped him out during a very difficult time in his life and that because of that, he would always love and care for her as a person.
I tried to understand, really I did. There's just this feeling in my gut that won't go away. The thing is - the ex lives in another country. Good for me, right? That should ease my fears, yes? Not at all...quite the opposite. That relationship was 3 years ago and it ended precisely because she was leaving. Sounds like a whole lot of unresolved feelings to me. I just can't help feeling that he isn't over her. Their communication is constant and although I have to admit, they don't say "I love you", the way they talk is just too close for anyone's comfort.
I want to believe so badly that his feelings for her are not romantic. I care about him so much and yet, I'm hurt just thinking that he's settling with me- just because he can't be with her. I don't want to be second best. I suppose I broke up with him before he could hurt me...the thing is, I feel like making that rash decision has made me hurt now more than ever...
Yes, I've been very weak since Monday. I've called and texted him, and he will not respond...
My thoughts are so random, I'm sorry...I've never participated in a discussion like this before. I have no one to talk to. I thought I might feel better if I talked about it, but I'm crying again...

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It's weird cause I was reading your post and the same thing happened to me...except I'm the one who left my boyfriend behind to move to another city to study...now I'm in a new relationship (it's been more than a year now). My ex and I kept talking to each other on MSN and we sometime wrote emails too. He was there for me when there was trouble in my family. I'll be forever thankful to him, he defended my family and stayed with me, listened to me etc. My boyfriend is not so excited of the friendship we have (although he lives about 12 hours drive from my new place) so I guess he could help you more on that (except that...he's a man and probably feels a different way...mens!). But you know what...if she left and move that far away from him, she is probably not a treat to your relationship. Do you spend more time on questioning him on this past relationship then being there for him right now and listen to him, making him happy and having great moment as a couple? Cause that's what is happening pretty much with me... My boyfriend is so obssesed with the idea that me and my ex had great relationship that he doesn't even question me on my feelings with what had happened in the past with my family. But I do love my boyfriend so much! There was just something special with my ex, he's like a best friend to me. But there's no way I'd left my boyfriend to move back there to be with my ex again. We both moved on. It's kinda hard to explain...I just hope it help you out a bit...
Hello Everyone. Wow, thank you all so much for responding…It’s crazy to think that at times like these, we feel like we’re the only ones going through something like this. I don’t know any of you and I feel more at ease sharing my feelings with you all than with the very people who surround me.
I’ll be honest, I’m not doing much better…not at all. I haven’t called or texted anymore (that’s a plus, right?). My pride is laying somewhere at the bottom of some ditch after I initiated contact and he didn’t respond. Why do I still want him back? Why do I still check that damn phone to see if he’s called? I’ve gone through the post-break up ritual: Got rid of his personal items, deleted his email, erased his number from my phone. And yet, those things remain engrained in my mind- along with all of the good memories, all of the good times. I had a very scary thought today. What if, as unbelievable as it may be, he was telling me the truth? I replayed our last conversation over and over in my mind. The man made a pretty convincing argument- how do they do that? How do they brilliantly rationalize a situation in which you know you’re right…and yet, you end up questioning yourself: “Maybe he’s right, maybe I just misunderstood…” Indeed, the thought crossed my mind that I may have jumped the gun and that because of that, I lost out on a good thing with him. I’m not crazy though, I know what I feel and I certainly know what I read in that dreaded email.
Look at me, it’s Saturday night and I’m home, in my PJ’s…thinking about someone who’s probably thinking of someone else…
Stop stop stop second-guessing yourself.
I couldn't handle having my boyfriend being good friends with an ex. If he needs her for emotional support and friendship, that probably means there's a void in your relationship and he needs her to fill that gap. The fact that he has chosen her friendship over you (since he hasn't tried to get you back) is clear what his priorities are. And there could be more feelings than what he's admitting to you...
I've been the 'friend ex'. My ex and his girlfriend broke up a few months ago and his ex gf told a mutual friend that the reason why things didn't and would never work is because he's still in love with me. During the time they were dating, he never indicated to me that there were any feelings and we only had very casual short conversations. Once they broke up but were still in touch, he contacted me and gradually started telling me how much he loves me, wants to be with me, etc. Eventually he totally broke all ties with her and continued to try and rekindle what we had.
So, he may be telling you that they're only friends, but you never know...
Be glad you're out of that situation. You're better off with someone who will chose you first.
I am cheering for you!!!
You are an example to everyone on this board.
Trust your gut, your gut is never wrong. I am writing this from the perspective of someone who ignored their gut and ended up in a disastrous ten year marriage to an unemployed alcoholic and drug addict who I ended up having to pay alimony to!
If only I had been as wise as you are! If only I had loved myself enough to know that I deserved better! If only I had listened to my gut as you are doing.
Here is the deal: "Pain is manditory, suffering is optional."
It's OK that you are crying, it's actually GOOD that you are crying because that means that you are feeling your feelings and eventually will move on. We all must grieve loss, we just can't get out of it. You can postpone it with indulging in addictions or other kinds of self-destructive behavior but eventually we all must feel the pain.
But you don't have to STAY in the pain. Please, please take it from one who has made the mistake you just avoided, you are a SUPER GRRL GENIUS! You should congratulate yourself for knowing that you deserve better than this. There are so many in this world who "settle" or "try to fix it" when they know the relationship is doomed.
The very best thing is to throw yourself into the parts of your life that work, and from the sounds of you I bet there are a lot of them. I bet you have tons of friends and family and co-workers who think you are the greatest.
Go where the love is. Not romantic love for now, but love, love, family love, friend love, pet love, spiritual love, whatever love you have in your life that is real, that you can count on, that values you.
I say, "You Rock!" Everyone on this board should read your message and cheer...
I promise you, promise, promise, promise you that one day you will not feel sad. Because you are fully feeling your feelings of sadness, you will also be able to fully feel feelings of joy.
Joy is just around the corner. When you see it coming...grab hold!
You definitely ROCK! I can feel your strength in your post. You certainly have a healthy value for yourself and know you deserve better. I am here to tell you you WILL receive better, after a short time of regrouping.
You are so much smarter and stronger than I was. I put up with his EX for 6, yes!, 6 long years. She WAS in love with my Ex, had been his girlfriend; they talked constantly behind my back. He was not in love with her, but she was his best friend and they had a weird co-dependency that I could never break. All his assurances that she was just a friend went to nought. I felt in my gut it was too much; I never got comfortable with it. I kept thinking something was wrong with me and I was super jealous. But there was nothing wrong with me. It was an untenable situation. And he refused to change it.
I am now gone, and I have found, at least for now, a wonderful guy who is totally focused on me, and I cannot tell you how good that feels. I just wonder how many other great guys I unconsciously passed up during all the years I was with the JERK!
Good luck to you. You will be fine! Just follow the process outlined on these boards for getting back on your feet.
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