I'm so tired of feeling sad...
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| Fri, 05-19-2006 - 12:52pm |
It happened Monday night. I am miserable...and I'm the one who broke it off. This week has been terrible. I can't sleep...I'm crying...I keep checking my phone to see if he's called. I keep telling myself I made the right decision in ending the relationship. I don't trust him. Why then, do I feel so awful? Why do I feel I made a mistake?
We've all heard the story before...he's very good friends with his ex. Too good, I would say. I found letters and pictures...and even read e-mails. He still cares about her so much. I approached him with my doubts and fears and he assured me there were absolutely no romantic feelings. He did say that she helped him out during a very difficult time in his life and that because of that, he would always love and care for her as a person.
I tried to understand, really I did. There's just this feeling in my gut that won't go away. The thing is - the ex lives in another country. Good for me, right? That should ease my fears, yes? Not at all...quite the opposite. That relationship was 3 years ago and it ended precisely because she was leaving. Sounds like a whole lot of unresolved feelings to me. I just can't help feeling that he isn't over her. Their communication is constant and although I have to admit, they don't say "I love you", the way they talk is just too close for anyone's comfort.
I want to believe so badly that his feelings for her are not romantic. I care about him so much and yet, I'm hurt just thinking that he's settling with me- just because he can't be with her. I don't want to be second best. I suppose I broke up with him before he could hurt me...the thing is, I feel like making that rash decision has made me hurt now more than ever...
Yes, I've been very weak since Monday. I've called and texted him, and he will not respond...
My thoughts are so random, I'm sorry...I've never participated in a discussion like this before. I have no one to talk to. I thought I might feel better if I talked about it, but I'm crying again...

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Well, I'm on the opposite end, and your message made me feel terrible. The guy I was seeing just ended things with me because I was too close to my ex. I told him he wasn't a threat, I told him I didn't see him like that at all anymore, but he couldn't let it go. I did tell the first ex we couldn't spend any time together anymore, but that wasn't enough, apparently. The new guy called things off. I was, and still am, incredibly hurt. I thought he could see that I was trying not to hurt my ex by staying friends with him (I'm the one who ended things in that relationship) and that it shows that I'm a caring, sensitive person. But the new guy chose to hurt me before I could hurt him.
I don't really blame your ex for not responding to you--I'm so hurt that he would end things that if mine called, I wouldn't respond either. He might feel how I feel--that if you're really, really into someone, you work it out and trust them rather than run the other way over a big insecurity/what if. I wish he'd talked to me about it more and given me a chance to make things right rather than run away.
That said, I support you, of course, because I wouldn't want to be in your shoes. I actually ended up calling my first ex and saying I didn't want to go through this with another guy and we needed to cut off all contact (the new guy doesn't know I did this--we've had no contact, and I didn't want to grovel and give him another chance to reject me. I did it for ME, not him). I've now had no contact with either one of them for almost two months. It hurts, especially because the new guy has a new girl already, but it was a lesson learned.
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