I'm sorry I went back, broke up again
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| Tue, 12-26-2006 - 1:16pm |
I am sorry ladies. I am disgusted with myself. What is wrong with me? Today I am in extreme pain once again; I went back on the drug again. I am sorry I have to disappoint you wonderful ladies that gave me all that great advice. I went back 2 weeks ago with my ex-boyfriend and it was worse, there was so much drama, I ready to tell you ladies the truth:
Let’s start with I know you are all going to scream at me. He is married. He is and was supposed get divorced for the last year, that’s what he told me and I fell for it over, over and over again. I also isolated everyone that tried to tell me this is a bad guy. Leave him, he is lying to you, wake up. We know he loves you, but until he leaves his wife what do you really have? And what’s make you think he is not going to do it to you when you marry him? The sick part to this whole thing the wife knew about me and still held on to him hoping we would break-up. Or maybe the truth is he was telling her a stories and me.
When I was with him last week the wife knew he was with me, he got home at 11:00pm she questioned him about being with me(I’m sure he denied it). The next day she apologized for questioning him where he was. People are you kidding me. I need to be lucky I am not stuck with at home with no money and 2 of his kids.
So this weekend there was an intervention from my brothers this past weekend.
The story goes;
My ex-boyfriend’s partner who is also married living with another woman(who was my friend and threw me under the bus months ago)but his wife is in another country with his children. The partner called my brothers this weekend and told all these lies about me, so he can break us up. He probably did me a favor. A month ago my ex-boyfriend tried to get rid of his partner because he does not do any work while my ex-boyfriend works 10 hours a day. (That is another story) and his partner knows that I have great influence on My ex-boyfriend getting him out of the partnership, so he wanted to get rid of me. So he called my brothers and said all these lies, which worked, my brothers had a major intervention and talk with me where I was embarrassed of myself and my actions. Because if you know me, this is not me, but when you heart is involved you can’t control your actions.
My older brother said to me, “Do you want to marry a dirt-bag? You will be a dirt-bag and live your life as a dirt-bag. These people are liars and scumbags. Our family are nothing like these people. Is that what you want?" Of course I said no. My brother said he still married right? I said no, he said don’t lie to me, I will cut the money off to your company, (My brother has financed my company)
I have to just admit I’ve been manipulated and verbally abused.
Of course my ex-boyfriend promised me Friday he would leave for good on Christmas and finally spend his life with me. Guess what did not even hear from him. Since all this drama went down. I thought to myself this is a gift he did not leave Is this what you want? Really? The past 2 months my intuition was screaming at me, these questions.
Everything around him is negative and lies, even the way he runs his business he is constantly lying to people to get money invested in his business and misuses the funds, without these people knowing.
I have to keep putting that in my head to get over this and out of this, he is a liar he will always be, men don’t change and this is who he is.
Please god just give me the strength to get through this week.

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Thank You Dgirrrl,
You misunderstood I do not have kids he has 2 kids with his wife.
I said thank god I do not have 2 of kids, no money and stuck home.
Last night from 4:30pm -8:00pm I must say was beyond terrible I was in my room with the worst anxiety,I was literally paralyzed, if I sat up I was dizzy, my heart was racing, I could not even read or move finally after 4 hours I got up and walked around in my house. Another problem is I own my company which I am trying to get off the ground, so I work when I need to, right now my focus is gone.
I decided I need to get a part time job ASAP or else I really feel like a crazy woman and needs to be institutionalized.
This morning I called some therapists to get help.
That man you were pregnant and lost his baby and he was not there, he should be embarassed to be a human being. I truly beleive what comes around goes around, when you have cruel intentions toward someone it will come back one day and bite you in the ass and you will pay for all the wrong you did to people.
In your new break up how long has it bee? I am on my 4 day and I feel it has been a month.
I broke up and got back together with my ex probably about 3 times in the last two years. It hurt like crazy the first couple of days and I would always get back together with him because I was weak and I just wanted the pain to end. This time, I just couldn't do it anymore. The breaking up and getting back together was killing me and making me into a person that I hated. And I realize that if I stay with him, our future will consists of us going through the same cycle over and over again. It has been almost two weeks for me since the breakup and I am healing and feeling better now.
Some of the things I did that really helped me was talking to friends and having them telling me repeatedly that they always knew that I could do better and that he never deserved me. I also made lots of lists. I had a list of all the mean and hurtful things he said and did to me during the relationship. I had a list of all the qualities I did not like about him. I also had a list of the things I would want in a boyfriend/husband (many of which my ex did not meet). If I started thinking about him and how much I miss him, I would read through all the lists. If I get the urge to call him, I would call one of my friends instead.
It's going to be hard but remember, it will only get better from here. Be thankful that you have such a wonderful family and that they are only looking out for your best interest. and be thankful that the relationship is ending now and you will no longer have to put up with him. Now you can find someone who is better for you.
I don't have any advice but I just wanted to give you hugs.
You can get through this.
You need to go to therapy and find out what it is, in you, that is attracted to this (as your brother says) dirt bag. Read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Read Codependent No More by Melody Beatty. Read the Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner.
Go to 12 step CODA meetings, find support groups, but mostly find a very good supportive therapist who understands love addiction.
You need to get out and stay gone. Stop the insanity, stop the roller coaster. It is hard when we are addicted to dangerous men, chaos and drama and I've been there and done that. I've been addicted to all 3 to keep the focus OFF me and my inner turmoil and pain.
Fear of loss and fear of abandonment keeps us in horrible situations. You need to deal with those fears when you get out and you won't go back (yes, you will be tempted, but you don't have to go back).
Work on YOU and the rest will take care of itself. You can do this.
Susan
"Success is building a foundation with bricks thrown by others."
GettingPastYourPast - The Blog!
Susan
"Success is building a foundation wit
It's actually been 2 weeks but I guess we both hoped we would get back together because we talked during that time. We have been an "on and off relationship" since we met but to me or at least in my head it has been since Christmas. After a big fight that day I decided in my heart and head believe there is just no way I can ever go back to him. So it's been 4 days as well. He said somethings that I could just never ever forgive him for. We have a 7 month old. I was a single mom before. And now here I am again. Maybe it hasn't sunk in just yet because I always do well in the beginning and then it starts to hurt more and more as the days go on but so far I'm okay. I hope I stay this way.
So believe me when I say, your already better off without kids with this man. I on the other had will be tied to this man forever. But I've made up my mind and I'm going to do it cold turkey like I did with my oldest childs father and with the man I told you about previously (coworker). Thats the only way to do it. Trust me if I can do it...you can do it. It's just taking it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. Eventually those days add up and your over that hump where you can at least wake up not thinking of him or you can enjoy some moments.
You mentioned having support. Take it. Use it. Everything will be okay. Do it for yourself.
Hello Dggirl,
Today I feel a little bit better. I went to the doctor yesterday and gave me a pill to keep calm and relaxed, and it is actually working.
Guess what I have not been sleeping well over the last week, this morning I woke up about 5:00 am and I see a text message, I was like hhuumm, it was him, he said "i'm dying!!!!!"
he sent it at 1:20am I guess he is not sleeping sorry to hear it. It gave a sense of power to hear is suffering, I had a hug smile on my face.
About you, you have a 7 month from this loser "Oh My God" I learned on thing about men, and what gets to them, hit him in the pocket get as much money from him for your child.
I am sorry you have a child from this loser, What we need to learn from all of this is stop picking these jerk-offs, we deserve the best. I remember a great line from a movie
"The Prince of Tides" with Barbara Streisand, and there is a scene where the mother says to her kids, "You marry a nothing you gonna get nothing" so we need to pick men who worship us and take of us like a queen anything less than that is non-negotionable.
Take care we are going to get through this
Thank you so much for your advice and wisdom,
I am going to the therapist today and I will mention exactly what you said.
I am try to look for support groups in my area. What is CODA meeting? Is that something to do with Co-dependantancy.
Guess what I have not been sleeping well over the last week, this morning I woke up about 5:00 am and I see a text message, I was like hhuumm, it was him, he said "i'm dying!!!!!"
he sent it at 1:20am I guess he is not sleeping sorry to hear it. It gave a sense of power for the first time in a week and to hear is suffering, I had a hug smile on my face.
Today I feel a little bit better. I went to the doctor yesterday and gave me a pill to keep calm and relaxed, and it is actually working.
Once Thanks for your support and advice, you women out here are just the most wonderful supporting people I ve met.
What is more theraputic than a hug? That is so sweet, I need that.
Thank you.
I don't care about the money anymore or right now. I just want to get as far away from him (mentally and emotionally as well as phsycally). I want to be in that place where I'm proud of myself for having the strength to leave and to STOP DOING IT TO MYSELF. Because that is actually what we're doing. We're allowing them to do this to us. That cannot do to us what we won't allow. Everthing we've been through it's because we've allowed it. I want to stop kicking myself for all of this. Child support... maybe later but for now I just want to make sure I'm okay. I don't want another new year to go by and still be like this. I have two beautifull kids I love to spend time with. I have great friends. I have a good job. I'm okay. You will be too.
Caution... you may feel powerfull now because of that phone call but after that wears off it may start to haunt you again. So protect yourself. Keep telling yourself you can do this and you will. Most of all... give yourself time. Don't be afraid. Remember Cold Turkey, you can do it.
Thank you and Take Care too....
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