I'm A Sweet Girl & I Still Created a Love Triangle

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2013
I'm A Sweet Girl & I Still Created a Love Triangle
7
Thu, 12-05-2013 - 12:27am

Hi everyone,

BACKGROUND INFO:
I was in a serious relationship with (let's call him) Steven for almost 3 years. We dated in college, and then lived together for a little over a year. We are so compatible that I'm pretty sure we created our own language--inside jokes were fully apart of this relationship. We loved living with each other, because we were each other's best friends, but when I got an opportunity to better my career in another city, he did not want to move. The moving situation was really just a disguise that there were a few, but big, issues that made us question our future together (mainly religion - he disliked the idea of it and I'm very devout in my faith). Getting nervous about marriage is pretty normal for 25 year olds I would say, especially since both our parents are divorced. Ultimately, our breakup was not due to falling out of love, but simply because of "what ifs" and well, he got complacent.

After only 4 months of dating new people and enjoying the single life, I met a guy in my apartments. (Let's call him Tim). He was the complete opposite of Steven. Steven thinks I am beautiful at all times (even in the morning), knows how to calm me down when I got upset, and he loved football as much as I do. (Plus we went to the same school so we love the same team)! However, Tim is less dramatic, has a great career, and loves to drink beer as much as I do. They both have what the other doesn't! Although I was ready to move on from Steven, and I was actually quite over him when I met Tim, for some reason Tim is making me miss Steven! Tim is so mellow we don't laugh nearly as much or make inside jokes; he doesn't care for football; and he doesn't make me FEEL as special as Steven did. But Steven is still finding a solid career, he hates to go to bars and meet new people, and he liked everything his way.

HERE COMES THE TRICKY PART: 
Steven happened to get a job that forced him to the city I just moved to, so both Tim and Steven are in the same city as me now. Steven really really wants to get back together, and I do want to make things work. HOWEVER, Tim and I have INCREDIBLE sex. The best I have ever had - we just get each other in bed. He is fit, and cares about physical appearance like me. (Sorry, I'm a dietitian, it's imbedded in me). The shallow part gets worse & I hate that I'm like this, but Steven has gained 40 pounds since we started dating 3 years ago. So I'm no longer sexually attracted to him, and the fact that Tim outdid Steven in bed makes it harder for me to want to give Steven another try. It doesn't mean I don't love Steven, but I'm just not sexually attracted to him anymore like I am with Tim. I never realized that appearance really does get me aroused in bed. 

THIS IS WHY I NEED HELP:
When I met up with Steven this weekend, we just clicked. I belong in his arms; I'm meant to make jokes with him; and I definitely miss him. But I still didn't feel the sexual attraction that I feel when I'm with Tim. I need your help because, well, Tim is wanting to move in together...(This is extremely fast, but there's a lot of other factors that are making him NEED a roommate), and Steven has been calling me for a few minutes everyday to show interest in making things work. NOTE: There's a chance Tim might be moving to another state, and there's also a chance that Steven might not make the effort to make things work at any given moment. (Complacency is a real issue for Steven). And don't get me wrong - I really do like Tim! We always have a great time together.
OPINIONS &/OR EXPERIENCE? Ready-Set-Go!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

Take your time to figure this out. With the uncertainties you mention for both of these guys, it may get decided for you. Meanwhile, do NOT let Tim move in with you, it will just confuse the issues. That he needs a place to live is not your problem to solve. You already realize that it would be rushing things, trust your good judgement and stick to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2013

Remdamma,

Thank you SO much for responding. I really appreciate it, and it helped! I agree with you that Tim shouldn't move in, but if he doesn't then he will be moving back to Colorado. Should I just let that happen and see where that goes? I'm worried it may confuse me more as well!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

I don't know why you think you have to select either of them, since both are lacking in areas that you feel are important. Why not admit neither is a potential lifetime partner and cut ties with both? Your ex can't be the one since you don't even desire having sex with him. Tim can't be the one since you go behind his back and meet up with his ex, so you really can't care that much about him. He doesn't make you feel special so that makes it settling. It's better to be alone for a while instead of with someone who doesn't meet all of your major needs. Your dating experiences are good learning experiences. You're learning what makes you happy and what doesn't. Take what you've learned and move on and keep searching. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I agree with not moving in with Tim--you haven't known him long enough and you aren't even sure you want him as a BF so that would be a disaster.  If he decides to move because of that, then you'll know that he's not the one.  If he can't afford a place on his own, then he could find another roommate, which most people in their 20's do anyway.  The great career and sexual attraction are definitely pluses with Tim.  I don't really get why you say that he doesn't make you feel special--are you the type who needs a lot of compliments and verbal affirmations?  If so, you should just disclose this to Tim and see how he responds to that.  the not liking football isn't a big deal.  I mean, I'm a big football fan too but it wouldn't be a deal breaker compared to other important things.

I think it really would be impossible to have a good long term relationship if you don't have good sex with the guy--now that you've experienced sex that's really great, how could you go back to mediocre sex and be satisfied?  It's nice that you laugh a lot with Steve, but that might mean that you are destined to be friends and not in a relationship.  the part where you say that he always wants his own way is another bad thing--in a long term relationship, he is just not going to get his own way all the time--and how does he react when you won't give in on something?  You need someone who is willing to compromise.  Plus the difference in religion--if you have kids, I'd expect that you'd want them to be raised in your faith, if it's important to you.  Would he go along with this or would he disparage your beliefs?  I just don't think he's the one for you but I also think it's too soon to know if Tim is the one either since you haven't known him that long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2013
Thanks to both of you. Everything you both have been saying are things that I secretly know, but like to hear from NON-BIASED friends/family. As the title says, breaking up is so hard. I don't care about being single - I just find the breaking it off with both the hard part! I'm such a people pleaser that I haven't ever done it before. Funny story: I've tried to break it off by saying "this just isn't working anymore") with Tim and he just hugged me and said it'll all work out between us haha.
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Do not look at it as "breaking Up" but part of the journey of life.  You have learned about yourself from these relationships rejoice in that.  For change is the constant til we die.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

Its strange that Tim's only options are to move in with you or to move away. He can't do anything in-between like finding a roommate situation or even couch surfing for a while? Then maybe you and Tim were just not "meant to be".

I agree with the others that neither of these men has enough of the traits that you want to be The One. If you're involved with Mr Wrong then you won't be available if Mr Right appears.