I'm in trouble

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
I'm in trouble
14
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 1:29pm
thanks for your help


Edited 5/18/2007 3:38 pm ET by attiicuss

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 2:50pm
It seems pretty clear to me. She wants a ring and marriage. She has said this over and over. You say you want to marry her and she says put your money where your mouth is. She doesn't believe that your really going to marry her because you talk about it but you don't do it. My advice is think about what you really want. If you really want to marry her then stop with the games, get a ring, go to her and show her how serious you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 3:30pm

Listen mate. As a woman I can tell you that she does want you, and is just wanting for you to HURRY UP AND BUY HER THAT RING!

What is stopping you buying the ring? I don't understand. She is clearly in love with you. The anger and so called contempt? That is just her hurt and frustration talking!

Remember how she was seduced before. And her going on about the ring. It's clear as a bell she responds to your love but not to the playing hard to get.

She wants what most women want, a clear commitment. Most women want marriage. Good luck buying the ring and with your proposal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 4:07pm

Thanks to both of you for taking the time to read my extremely long (and frighteningly abbreviated) post. I just re-read my post and feel I should describe the "ring and marriage" situation a little more accurately. I have thought long and hard about what I really want and there is not a single iota of doubt in my mind that I want to be married to her for the rest of my life. However I know the the rift between us has nothing to do with whether or not I'm serious about marrying her (I am serious) and everything to do with whether or not she could ever love me and be happy with me. I believed that even had she considered taking me back a formal marriage proposal would have only pressured and repelled her. Nothing she said about the "money where your mouth is" or ring situation even slightly came across as a request, hint or suggestion. Instead, she told me in our last conversation, that it annoyed her that I would belittle the subject by using it as a kind of probe or litmus test to she how she responded... it was more like "just shut up" more than "put up or shut up".

I guess the notion of proposing to her now... when she still can only see the bad in our relationship, when she tells me it's over and to move on,,, when she suddenly kills a wonderful evening that was going so well, when she says I should concentrate on the new girl I'm seeing, when she's dating and sleeping with another man,,, when I can't even get her to spend a holiday weekend with me (where I would happily propose to her)... Asking her to marry me under these circumstances... without the opportunity to show her that she can be happy with me... well.. it seems like it would be just setting up the final nail for the coffin...

I know this sounds like I have cold feet.. but I don't... I also know that my last paragraph sounds like she's really really gone and that I need to move on... I'm thinking that if I can get her to come away with me Memorial Day weekend I will propose to her... but I really think we need to spend some time together so she can see how much I've grown and fall in love with me again... I just need a few days.... Argggghh! I don't know... I guess I don't believe she'll yes and that I need to prove myself worthy first. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 8:02pm

Hi attiicuss,
Sorry you are having such a hard time. I would hold off on the ring.

If you are sure of what you want, why are you in a relationship with someone else?
You need to leave that relationship first. And she needs to leave the one she is in before you work on a relationship together.

It takes two ppl to make a relationship work or not work. You might know that she is the one for you, but it doesn't seem like she thinks the same way at this time. Whatever troubles you had in the past, might can be worked out, but you both have to work on it and if one is not willing to do that and let the past lie where it belongs in the past, then it is all for nothing. If she can only see the bad in the past relationship then she needs to work on that herself...no matter what you do, until she comes to terms with that, how can you have a honest, trusting, loving relationship? How long are you willing to wait for her to come around to your way of thinking?


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 9:05pm

Hi Sassisizz,

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my post.

I am absolutely clear about what I want... I'm sort of seeing someone now but it's not a relationship. I'm just spending alot of emotionally intimate but platonic time with a woman I met a couple of months ago.

Clearly the bottom line is that my ex is unwilling to work on what remains between us and I don't know what else I can do. I'm confused because it is clear she does respond to me and it seemed like I was making such wonderful progress up until the moment I put my hand on her back after we got out of the cab. Part of me feels like there is so much to work with and I should fight for her but another part of me feels like it's over and I should move on... I brought up the notion of the ring because it confuses me and makes me feel like something there is something I can still do to win her back... but, intuitively, I feel like I have other things to prove before I ask her to committ to me for the rest of our lives. I can't specifically answer how long I'm willing to wait because this whole experience seems timeless to me... I'll keep waiting until I believe there is no longer any point in waiting... the essential question I have is... should I just disappear and wait or is there anything I can proactively do? I told her to call me if she wants to spend Memorial Day weekend with me but I'm wondering if I should continue to press it. During this entire 6 month attempt to win her back she's resisted me whenever I tried to see her or make plans with her... but when I took control and went to her city despite her resistance she all but once ended up melting in my arms one way or another. I also keep thinking about her friend's questions... "Why haven't you been coming down every weekend?" My answer was I didn't want to pressure or stalk her but now I'm wondering if maybe I should just go down every weekend... Again.. it makes me feel like I'm the one not doing enough, I'm the one who has control over the situation, I'm the one who can still do something. That is my question for the board... what else can I do?




Edited 5/17/2007 9:12 pm ET by attiicuss
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 10:26pm

I have been reading your posts and quite frankly even with all that you have shared I'm not clear what you want. You are seeing someone else with whom you are emotionally intimate? I hesitate to speak for all women, but most women I know would rather know their man has had a one night stand than that he was being emotionally intimate with another women. Women do not like to share that emotional space in a mans heart. And you say you are in control of the situation? Yeah, well, we don't like that much either, when the control is used in the way you have described. If you want to prove your worth to this woman, dating someone else isn't the way to do it.

Decide who and what you want. While you're deciding, you could do both women a favor and leave them alone.

Take some time to read the other posts on this board. Not only will you learn something, but like many of us you may see your situation in what is written.




Edited 5/17/2007 10:30 pm ET by asutherngrl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2007
Thu, 05-17-2007 - 11:41pm

Hi

Allow me to clarify. I am absolutely 100% clear that I want to marry my ex-girlfriend. There is no decision to make. The other woman is a new and unique friend with whom I spend just about all my free time. We are both going through similar situations (though she is much further along) and we are amazingly open and honest with one another. The relationship is platonic and neither of us want more than that... yet the word "friend" seems like an understatement... We only just met but are helping each other through some real difficulties. It was she that recommended I post my situation at Ivillage.

"And you say you are in control of the situation?"

I wrote the statement to which you are responding poorly. What I was trying to say was that I feel as if I have no control over this situation. However questions from me ex's best friend like "why haven't you been coming down every weekend?" when my ex told me she didn't want to see me confuse me. These questions imply that it would have been better if I took control and visited every weekend despite me ex's request for space.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2007
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 5:15am

The fact that she talks of "belittling" marriage might reveal how highly she views the idea.

One of the reasons I finished my relationship with my ex was because I got sick and frustrated with him talking about marriage but never taking action and buying a ring or getting down on one knee. He often talked about things but didn't do them.

Maybe you could tell her that you are planning a special suprise for her. If she suspects it is a proper proposal and wants that, she will agree to meet you, but make sure you buy the ring before seeing her and do it properly, get down on one knee, like it the movies!

I am sure she will say yes. What have you got to loose?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 9:42am


I've just been visiting these boards for 7 weeks. They have helped me a great deal since my breakup. Still got a ways to go

You only have "control" over yourself, not the situation, or her. It doesn't really matter what her friend has said or told you. Take what she has told you and go with that. You cannot make her love you or fall in love with you, she has to do that of her own free will. She is in a relationship with someone else, she runs hot and cold. It doesn't seem like to me that she knows what she wants, and until she comes to terms with that, no matter how hard you try or what you do, it is all wasted. She has asked you for space, Give it to her take her at her word. Get on with your life,(which is easier said than done i know). If you give her her space, maybe she will come to realize she is in love with you and things will work out, and maybe she won't, but she has to decide that for herself. I hope things get better for you.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 3:31pm

Oh boy. What you should do- both of you-

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