I'm a wreck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
I'm a wreck!
11
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 6:13pm

I'm a wreck and this seems like a great way to try to work through such a hard time in your life.

Last night, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2-1/2 years. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Our relationship was near perfect, we were entirely compatible - same interests, same behaviors, same dreams, so much in common. We were so in love, we never fought, he loved me for me and vice versa. We always have fun together, he supports me in everything I do and every day with him was exciting and I never doubted his love for me and his faithfulness. I have never been in such a comfortable relationship that just felt so right.

The problem came up the other night. I made a huge mistake in this relationship not asking his thoughts on our future together. Did he want to live with me? Marry me? Have kids with me? The answer was no, no, and no, and this is why I had to end it since my answers are yes, yes and maybe. I understood the not wanting to have kids thing, which came up in the past, and I decided that this wasn't a deal breaker since I am 32 and have absolutely no desire to have kids at this time, and maybe never will (though I would definitely have prefered the option if I changed my mind). But to live in separate homes forever? His thoughts on this just shocked me. He KNEW this was what I wanted, so I guess I assumed that he would have mentioned that it wasn't in the cards for us. He explained last night that this was something that is a huge problem for him and he wishes it wasn't that way, but he just doesn't see this ever changing.

I think I should be so mad, but I'm not. We just have different relationship goals and I'm glad I know now instead of 2 more years from now when this would have been twice as hard for both of us. I'm just so very very sad about all this. So is he. Our break up was 2 of the hardest hours of my life... it was just brutal. Crying, hugging, kissing, holding hands, telling each other we loved each other. I couldn't imagine a more tear jerking breakup. We both didn't want to and it was so so hard.

Now, I just don't know how to go on. I want to talk to him, I want to know how he is, how his life is, etc. I keep reading on here not to call, not to email, etc. Does it have to be that way? I know the romantic relationship as it was has to be over, I know what I need to do for me and my future. (I've always been a very strong person) But is it so bad to stay JUST friends with your ex who has been your best friend for so long? We both want to talk and stay close. I actually think that will help me get closure... knowing that we are still there for each other and knowing that he is okay will help me to know that I did the right thing and that we can both move on with each others support. If we stop talking cold turkey, I feel like I will never stop crying, never stop wondering if hes okay, never stop regretting this decision. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and remained close friends with an ex? Am I crazy to think that that's a good idea?

This all just hurts so much and I just wonder if anyone has any advice on how to get though this. Thank you for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 7:58pm

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I know it's a really tough situation. Unfortunately, there's no easy way to make the pain go away either. You just have to give it time, and know that it does eventually get much easier.

I know the last thing you want to do right is now is to cut him out of your life completely. However, the research has found though that the less contact you have with your ex, the faster you'll heal. The thing is I don't think you CAN be just friends with him at this point. What I mean is, even if you're able to act as though you're just friends and avoid any physical contact, underneath it all you'll still love each other as more than friends. Your heart will just continue aching from not being able to be together as a couple. It's only going to prolong the pain. By cutting him off from your life, you're giving yourself the opportunity to get used to life without him which is what will allow you to get over him. I can't say it's an easy or a quick process, but it's easier and quicker than the alternative.

I would recommend allowing yourself a few days to just grieve for things. Then, after that, start getting out of the house and connecting with your friends so it doesn't consume you. Exercising helps boost up your spirits as well as does making sure you're getting enough sleep. Realize that even after you start moving on, there are going to be moments, when the pain hits you again. That's just your body's way of getting used to the idea of things being over. Know that it'll happen less and less as time goes on. You'll move on, and life will feel whole again. Just hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2007
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 2:09pm
I felt just like you when my ex and I broke up and we decided to stay friends. It sounded ideal at the time, but it didn't work.
Firstly, when you do see them, you sink back into false reality and it just keeps the pain going.
secondly, when he moves on (as mine has) the pain of knowing he is with someone else is just too much, especially when he talked about her. I was trying to be his 'friend' but it all got too much to bear. In the end (recently) I lost my temper, told him what a jerk he was and ejected him from my life forever. It really was the best thing I did because now I can move on.
I wish you all the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 5:46pm

rosewater,

I agree with you completely. I ended a 7 year relationship and it was very difficult for me to let go of contact with the ex but I did. It's been 6 months now and I'm feeling better than I did after the breakup. Now, the ex and I talk here and there, but I realize that when we do talk I get these weird feelings and I don't know how to handle them. Then after the talk I start thinking of him. I realize that keeping him around takes me away from reality of our current situation and I forget the fact that we are no longer together and I start day dreaming that things will change. I'm realizing that I was doing much better when I had no contact with him because when I do talk to him my mind starts turning and I draw up these expectations of him and us and it's just not good. Take time to heal yourself just as he needs time to heal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 8:34am
Wow, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Breakups are hard; I am going through one right now and I understand. My boyfriend and I broke up on Friday for the exact same reasons as you. We were together 9 months; and I'm glad we broke up when we did and it didn't happen later. He's 32, and said that he just doesn't see himself settling down, and he doesn't want a girlfriend anymore. Even though this was hard for me to hear, I know it is for the best so that I can move on and just worry about my life for now. Take care,
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 1:55am

Thank you all for your advice and support. It has been 1 week tonight, and I'm doing suprisingly well! I'm not a wreck anymore! It didn't take me long to accept what has happened as a good thing for me. I am still sad, but I'm excited about the idea of getting married and possibly having kids one day. I'm 32 and I have to make decisions for ME. The thought of being single again really sucks though. And all my friends have all coupled off over the last few years, or have gotten married, so I need have to start by making all new friends to go out with! haha. Being single is a nightmare pretty much, urgh. Is there a group for that too? haha. But anyway, things are off to a good start.

So, one thing I've tried not to do, but couldn't help it, is talk to my ex every day since it happened. It's weird, it isn't making me sad or pine for him at all. It is totally what has helped me get through this. I know I can't want him back, so I don't look at it that way. I am so happy we are actually being friends, and I want that more than anything! I know in a couple months, we will hang out (outside of a home of course) and it will be GOOD. I know it goes against everyones great advice, but I hope I can report back that we made it work. It's hard to change me I guess.. LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 2:37pm
I know how you feel. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. I wanted to get married and he gave me a ring, but thats where it stopped. Every time I brought up getting married, he would just shut down. No answer. Excuse after excuse. When we broke up, he would not even tell me how he was feeling. Now I see him every day because we live in a very small town. He just acts like I don't exist and that really hurts. If you can stay friends, more power to you. Even if you can't be together at least you will still have that friendship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 6:01pm
Small town break ups must be rough. You see him every day? There's no way to avoid it? I would have to move! LOL I'm pretty lucky, I most likely won't see my ex until I decide I'm ready since we live in Chicago. I think its going to take me months to be ready. I knew I moved from a small town to a big city for a reason!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:34am
Yes, it's hard not to at least drive by him once a day. But this is my home and I will be damned if I let some man run me out of town. I think that it makes me just that much stronger. Even if he can't be civil, at least I can. Maybe that makes me a better person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 7:52am
You go girl!!!!!!!!! Thats the attitude! You inspire me. I've been thinking about moving to the other side of town so that I don't have to be so close to my ex, but my son loves where we are. Yes, thats it, I'll be damned if I let a man run me out of my home!! Thanks for the inspiration!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 8:37am

sunshine and daisies

I was also best friends with my bf of 2.5 years, we broke up with my in Dec after finding out he had a one night stand a few months prior to that. I was so hurt, the breakup was hard and devastating on both of us..he was such an emotional wreck (more than I was ) that I couldn't bail on him when he was in such pain. We talked on the phone everyday. I know everyone says NC, but like you, we helped each other thru this break up and how to move on.

Nine months later, we still talk everyday. We are both home from college now and we live in the same town; we are now "dating" and trying to work thru trust issues and if we can get back together. Working thru this together has been good and bad; at times it was stressful when i wasn't sure I wanted him in my life but on the other hand, I never told him to go away so something made me hold on to the friendship.

I no longer can say "never say never" I don't know where this will lead, if anywhere but I can say that if he had not persisted with me, we would not have remained friends and there would never have been any chance of a reconciliation- I was DONE.

I think NC is the way to go if things are 100% definately over, but then again- I thought they were for me. I think you have to do what is best for YOU and if the day comes that being friends adn talking to your ex is causing stress and conflict, then it has to end. The bad part of being friends will be when/if one of you moves on. If you are never going to reconcile, you may need NC for you to be able to get to the next phase of your life

good luck!

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