The importance of no contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2004
The importance of no contact
1
Thu, 03-31-2005 - 11:19pm

I have learned a tough lesson. In order to really and truly heal after a breakup, you cannot have any kind of contact with your ex.

Two months to the day after my ex broke up with me, he called me. He wanted to see how I was and if I had any questions. We talked - for hours. I thought I was fine with it because I got my answers. I felt like I had closure. We talked about the possibility of staying friends. A few weeks later, he called again, asked how I would feel about him getting a job where I work. I should have said that wasn't a good idea, but I thought, "I can't tell this guy where he can and cannot work."

Well, he started work a week ago, and now I see and talk to him everyday. He was very flirty at the beginning, complimenting me and looking at me the way he used to. He has started calling me every day again. We talked on the phone for hours every day. We were talking just like we used to, and I admit I got caught up in it. On Monday he asked me if I would pick him up for work in the morning (which by the way would be 20 minutes out of my way in the opposite direction). I knew I should not be his taxi service so I said no. Yay for me!

I asked him what his intentions where, and he admited that he wants to get back together and the only reason he took a job at my work was to see me every day again. Well, my healing clock has been reset. I am back to crying every night, obsessing over ever little detail about us, and I feel like I am going to go insane.

He has already broken up with me twice before and nothing has changed, so I told him that I wanted to wait before making any decision. Part of me is hoping that if I avoid the issue long enough, it will just disappear. I know I am being stupid, but I am so tired of dealing with it and him that I just can't deal with it right now. I am exhausted.

So that is the moral of my story - maintain no contact! It is absolutely the best thing you will ever do for yourself. I was so proud of how far I had come in the healing process and now I am almost right back to the beginning. I can't resume no contact, because now I work with him. I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted from all of this, so learn from my example. Do not make that phone call, do not "accidently" bump into him, do not e-mail, do not drive by his house, and most importantly, do NOT pick up that phone. My curiosity got the better of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Sat, 04-02-2005 - 4:48pm

Thank you for that, and I feel so bad for you! But stay strong and do NOT forget the reasons you broke up in the first place and how strong you became b/c of it. Be honest with him and tell him you need no contact again...even if it means one of you quitting your jobs.

It has been 5 weeks for me!!! Not always easy but 95% of the time it is. I feel strong, have my self esteem and confidence coming back and see how unhealthy my ex and our relationship--and I in it--were. And he tries to get in touch with me still but luckily he is moving out of state soon so I don't have to worry about running into him. I ran back to him for 5.5 years and never gave up until now, and it is the most releasing feeling. and I am working on me and doing so many proactive things and I am so happy that God gave me this lesson to learn...you will be strong, just get yourseld back to the no contact way...and if you do give him another chance, expect to be heartbroken again.