Important - Post-Breakup- Please Read

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Important - Post-Breakup- Please Read
2
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 6:26pm

Hi,

I thought I would post my progress seven weeks post breakup of my eight year relationship with my fiance (he left me). See previous post.

Like everyone else on this site each day was a living misery, missing him, obsessional thoughts about what he is doing, why he left me, ringing, crying, non-acceptance etc etc.

The past week (week seven) has been a really positive time for me. I read a post recently from Sandra talking about control and I think that is what I was doing. Trying to control a situation that I have no control over.

I had many theories around why me fiance left me and at the end of the day it doesn't matter why. I really believe he has done me a favour by leaving, I never thought I would see the light of day, EVER.

Yesterday I received a statement for a loan that he took out 12months ago that I had no knowledge of, the day before that my email company advised that he had set up his own private email account with a security password that I was unable to access, the day before that my friend advised me that on his birthday last year he was doing drugs out the front of my house with his friends, a week ago I found record of a separate mobile number that I didn't know about. He mentioned to me when he left that I knew nothing about him, how right he was. Someone said to me not long ago you always find out things when you least expect it.

I don't feel bitter about the information above, I feel in a sense lucky that he left. Our relationship was obviously false so how can I pine for someone that gave a false sense of anything really.

I still have a long way to go with my healing, but the last week to me has proved that there is light at the end of the tunnel. My thoughts are not as obsessive, I do not ring him anymore nor text, I don't wonder what he is doing as much and I felt for the first time the other day that I am well and truly on the road to recovery.

Good luck to everyone else who is going through this, there will be rewards if you persevere with your healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2007
Wed, 03-07-2007 - 7:40pm
Learning-
I read your reply to my post, and you and I seem to have somewhat similar heartbreaks. I spoke to my ex last nite and he was being all mushy and i told him that yes he did shatter my heart. Did you feel that way after even going through this for eight years? Like you knew it was enough but you didn't know how to put the pieces back or what was true or false about the years you spent together? And...how do you ever trust again? Seriously, how do you open up again to someone when the one person you loved the most, shattered everything you believed about love?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:36am

Nuthinbutachick,

Yes in the early days we would get back together and patch up the problem, mushy me and at times mushy him. I always thought he could fix me and what I mean by that is I did not want to go through the pain so I would take him back to avoid that broken feeling. I basically stuck my head in the sand because obviously I did not want to know, anything to avoid the breakup even if it meant avoiding the truth. He actually phoned me this time, two week after the breakup and asked me why I hadn't asked him if he wanted to come back, I asked him whether he wanted to and he said he would consider this option, I thought about it all day and half the evening and told him NO, he couldn't come back, the best decision so far I have made in the last eight years (and the first time I said NO).

I thought that when we got engaged things would be okay, but the damage had been done through all the coming, going, and women earlier on in the relationship. I put up with that, so in reality that is my fault, I obviously gave him the signal that this was okay. However I didn't ask him to do it.

Regarding trusting someone again, I won't enter another relationship until I have worked on myself (I am in therapy and learning lots of stuff about myself). It came up in a session recently about the fact that I choose men like my ex-partner and there is a pay off somewhere, so at the moment I am learning to deal with that aspect of my judgement, more entrenched than you realise (I won't go into that). Hopefully when I deal with all of these feelings and learn about myself, I will not attract someone like my ex. In fact I refuse to have another relationship like this one.

Probably by the time I am finished with this whole situation it may come to light that I didn't love him like I thought. Like I said it was a bandaid solution to the pain that I wasn't ready to go through.

He really has done me a favour by leaving because I now have a chance of something better in the future. Yes I still miss him because we were together so long but each day gets less and less and that is the light that I tried to emphasise in my post.

Write to me anytime.




Edited 3/8/2007 1:06 am ET by learningagain