Insecurity Stem from Childhood

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Insecurity Stem from Childhood
2
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 2:16am

My father never talked to me much...he always had to work to bring the little money to the family. My mother was physically abusive, and I always had low-self-esteem as a kid and it affects me as an adult (21 years old). My father had 8 affairs on my mother, and she still stayed with him. I was 10 when she found out and nearly killed him (literally), and I don't think she is over it now.

Yes, I grow up with crap! And guess what? I take it to my relationships. I am insanely jealous, and insecure. I would accuse my last bf of cheating if he was previously too friendly with another girl. I would get mad if another female friend had something done for her birthday that I didn't get for mine, and little things like that.

So I was the one who broke up with him over a his female friend's birthday. And even after the break up, I would call him a lot and he would come over to my house and we would get intimate.

This morning after we had sex, he told me that he was going to help a female friend move in to her house, and this I knew for a long time that she was moving out. But I ended up calling him later and asked him if he was having sex with her, and he said he was not and they are just friends. Deep down inside I knew that they were just friends, but the insecurity took the best of me.

We talked on the phone after he was done helping her move, and he made me realize that his first ex gf was not even as jealous as I am. So that means that I am more jealous and this made me feel very weak.

I feel that my jealousy destroyed my relationship. Not that I think back and wish that I was different so I would not have lost him. I am smart enough to know that what is done is done, and there is no going back. And all I have power over is the future.

At this moment...I feel low self-esteem, and I don't feel good about myself. I know that I cannot get back my ex bf and don't want to, but I feel like this sorry little girl who grew up in poor circumstances and that is why I am so weak!

I ended the phone call with my ex "If you think nothing good of me, that is fine! You can go tell everyone how insanely jealous your last gf was but when I move on with my life and go to graduate school, it would not matter what you think...I wanted you to think good of me in the past but now I don't care!"

My grades suffer now in college, and I have one year left to get it better so I can apply for Graduate School. I just want to stay single for years and wait a while to date and meet the right guy.

So here is my question: What ways can I get over jealousy/insecurity? I already am going to therapy. I have lots of supportive friends who think well of me. I have many goals for the future. I am studying to be an MFT. BUT goals are there and strived for but cannot be maintained all the time, and that was when insecurity/jealousy hit me with the last bf. so I know that for me to be a more secure/less jealous person, I need to dig deeper...

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 12-01-2007 - 1:23pm

Welcome to the board Angel,


At least you already know the reason for your insecurities that's half the battle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Sun, 12-02-2007 - 12:32am

"but I feel like this sorry little girl who grew up in poor circumstances and that is why I am so weak!"

I'm only going to comment that this is the wrong attitude to have. Nobody grows up in a perfect family. Among other things, I grew up with my dad chasing me around the house with a heavy stick all through my childhood and calling me names. That old adage, "it's not what you have, but what you do with what you have", if you get my drift. That is to say, if you're stuck in the 'pity me, blame my parents for my life' mode, you'll never develop the motivation you need to overcome your self-esteem and jealousy. Capische?

Therapy, or what I did of it, doesn't work until you recognize where you're wrong (which you already have, and Kudos), and make a conscious effort to curb it day by day, hour by hour, second by second. That's how you achieve 'behaviour modification'.

Anyways, sorry to cut this short and all the best!


- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your past - there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.
- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your