Interdependent vs Independent???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Interdependent vs Independent???
3
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 6:53pm

i-b-sandradee posted this line in a response on another discussion:

>>>>>"Work on making sure you're completely independent in your professional life, and are open to interdependence in your personal life".<<<<<

How do you do that???

I am an independent person and realize there's something with relationships I dont' always "get", which I think it's partly on how to create a balance and be interdependent. In my last relationship, because I wanted it to work out so bad, I found myself so caught up in trying to "do all the right things" re: stages of the relationship, certainty, uncertainty, who pursues who, giving the "appropriate" feedback so he knows he can make me happy, blah, blah, blah....that i found myself not setting my boundaries and letting some things go, that I would of never done so in the past. Part of me wants to email him and say "I know I didn't always stand up for myself and that wasn't me!!".

So how do you become INTERDEPENDENT when you're so used to being independent, yet not being a doormat????

Thank you, I really need the feedback!! :)




Edited 12/4/2006 7:23 pm ET by zjaney
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 11:58am

It's not an easy balance. Did you do everything, the doormat thing because.... fill in the blank (fear of ending another relationship, fear of not being liked or loved, etc)

There is a good book that has some tests in it to help define what we want and what motivates us. It's call Feeling Good: New Mood Therapy, by David Burns MD.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 12-09-2006 - 4:44pm

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 6:42pm

Thank you, that does help!

An old bf used to get so frustrated w/ me when he would offer to help, and I responded "if you want to". He would ask "why do you SAY that????" my response being "well if you want to great, but you don't have to, and I can do it myself". Well, I've come a long way since then and get that was the wrong thing to say!

This last guy, I was trying too hard to not make the same mistakes, that I went too far in the other direction (my added insecurity w/ his committment/intimacy issues didn't help either).

Your words of wisdom are very helpful!

Thanks again!
zjaney