Intimacy Issues?
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| Fri, 07-06-2007 - 10:42am |
Almost two weeks ago, the girl I was dating for over two months decided to break things off with me. She said that "we had gone as far as we could go." Throughout the conversation, she told me how special, kind, gentle, affectionate, and generous I was. "Some," she said, "would think I'm crazy for doing this." In her view, I would make someone very happy. I didn't really put much stock in those words; after all, I figured she was just letting me down easy. She then made a curious remark about how I "wouldn't have to have any distractions as you prepare to write your thesis." Again, I didn't put much stock in what she said, primarily because I felt that she was trying to put a positive spin on this.
We went out for over two months, which, in the scheme of dating, isn't that long. Yet, I would be lying if I told anyone that it didn't hurt. I really liked this girl, and, in our last conversation, I told her how I felt. I was beginning to fall for her. For me, I wanted to walk away knowing that I told her how I felt. Not because I wanted to make her feel bad or convince her to stay. My feelings created all of my sting and hurt. For the past two weeks, I've relived the conversations we had. I've replayed many of the things she said, and one thing that stuck out to me was the comment she made a month-and-a-half ago: "I have intimacy issues."
I had been out on two dates with her prior to her confession, and, frankly, there wasn't much there. Mind you, she was a nice girl, and I had a nice time with her. However, there wasn't much of a spark, save for a few playful moments here and there. She and I had a conversation a few nights after our second date, and I remember her telling me how confused she was about us. That night, she told me that there was a little spark there, but she wasn't sure. She also said that she had a good time when we went out. During that conversation, I simply told her that sometimes it takes some time for a spark to develop. We only knew each other for a few weeks, and we were still getting to know each other. Still, if she needed some space to sort things out, she could have space. If she didn't want to go out with me, she didn't have to. However, if she wanted to go out again, she could. I would honor whatever she decided. That night, I learned a good deal about her. Her troubles associating with people her own age, not to mention her weight loss fight. Plus, she told me of her past dating experiences, which consisted of several "one and dones," one instance of being stood up, a guy who threatened suicide, and a "pushover" who was willing to change everything about him to satisfy her. I remember her confessing her intimacy issues and noting that she had baggage, to which I replied: "We all have baggage." Of course, she reveal everything to me that night. There were some things she didn't want to talk about, and I didn't push her.
Ultimately, she chose to go out with me again. She thanked me for my patience, and how that "meant a lot" to her. As she remarked, "most guys would've run away." We went out on several occassions, and I remember having a wonderful time with her. Looking back, she was more playful with me. She was more open, and she was more affectionate. During the first two dates, there wasn't any hand holding, and, instead of a kiss goodnight, I would get a brief hug. Now, she started to hold my hand, and, when she hugged me, she would rest her head on my shoulder. The hugs were the kind that linger for thirty seconds to a minute, where neither person wants to really let go. Plus, she began to kiss me good night. Our last date was one where there were four good night kisses, of which she initiated three of them. Six days later, she ended things. She had gone out of town to visit her family, and, evidentally, her trip gave her time to think about us.
A few days after things ended, I recalled her "intimacy issues" remark, and I decided to look it up to see what it meant. My readings on the topic indicate that, and I'm paraphrasing, intimacy issues are where people are unwilling or afraid to allow their partners/friends to see them for who they truly are for fear of being abandoned, rejected, or betrayed. In some instances, people with intimacy issues break off connections with others as a way of protecting themselves. I regret not taking the time to look up this information while we were dating. Perhaps, I could've helped her. I don't know. Then again, maybe we did go as far as we could go. I don't want to believe this because her actions, to me at least, showed that I grew on her. That we still had more to do. But what if she ended things because of her intimacy issues? Is there anything I can do to get her back? I still really like her, and I miss her.
I'm so sorry for this long, rambling post. Right now, I'm so confused.

Sorry you are going through this. The issues she has are her issues to deal with. Unfortunately you can't fix them for her, or make her come back. She has to fix herself. Let her go for now and continue on with your life, and at some point she might come back or she might not. If its meant to be it will be. Good luck