Isn't a break a break-up?
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Isn't a break a break-up?
| Fri, 04-11-2008 - 12:10pm |
Ok, here's my situation.
My guy and I have been together for almost 2 years. I always joked that he was the 'girl' in the relationship...kinda needy, liked attention, he'd always surprise me with visits, was always talking about the rest of our lives together, etc. Where as I was the distant one, I'd forget to call him, I was always busy with life in general and he was pretty much on the back burner. But he was ok with my 'busy life.'
Add to that it was a long distance thing. We both knew that in 2 years time, I'd be in the same city as him as that is where my job is putting me (which is now 3 months away).
About 6 months ago the relationship took a turn. I became even more busy and paid even less attention to him.
Plus, at one point I (and I love his children dearly), had a bad day and yelled at his young children. He hasn't gotten over it. I'm always late and/or never made enough of an effort to make time to see him.
He says he gave, gave, gave and received nothing in return.
I loved this man with all of my heart, I was honestly busy with work, etc., and knew that we'd be together in the end(or thought that we would be).
Now he has finally told me that he loves me, but he has lost some feelings and respect. He said he needs time.
Time. We're hardly together, how will time solve this problem.
He said he thought he'd get over feeling 'pushed away' for so long but he is having a difficult time with that. That and my freak out session on his children that one time.
I've cried, I've went out and surprised him but I think it's too late.
I'm going to give him the time & not call him I guess but how will that change this?
Advice?
My guy and I have been together for almost 2 years. I always joked that he was the 'girl' in the relationship...kinda needy, liked attention, he'd always surprise me with visits, was always talking about the rest of our lives together, etc. Where as I was the distant one, I'd forget to call him, I was always busy with life in general and he was pretty much on the back burner. But he was ok with my 'busy life.'
Add to that it was a long distance thing. We both knew that in 2 years time, I'd be in the same city as him as that is where my job is putting me (which is now 3 months away).
About 6 months ago the relationship took a turn. I became even more busy and paid even less attention to him.
Plus, at one point I (and I love his children dearly), had a bad day and yelled at his young children. He hasn't gotten over it. I'm always late and/or never made enough of an effort to make time to see him.
He says he gave, gave, gave and received nothing in return.
I loved this man with all of my heart, I was honestly busy with work, etc., and knew that we'd be together in the end(or thought that we would be).
Now he has finally told me that he loves me, but he has lost some feelings and respect. He said he needs time.
Time. We're hardly together, how will time solve this problem.
He said he thought he'd get over feeling 'pushed away' for so long but he is having a difficult time with that. That and my freak out session on his children that one time.
I've cried, I've went out and surprised him but I think it's too late.
I'm going to give him the time & not call him I guess but how will that change this?
Advice?

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Gosh, prime example of negative thoughts running away with you and causing some undue and unnecessary anguish and anxiety.
I feel for you, I really do, because I've been where you are, albeit long long ago, but still, it was there at one point. All the confusion, the anger, the horrible feelings coming from negative thoughts, it's sheer misery.
I think you mentioned something about not being a patient person? Or is that just my perception based on what you've posted? Either way, it's pretty clear you're feeling out of control. Thing is, events don't usually happen when we want them to, they happen when they're supposed to. Our job is pretty much to act on life as it shows up and try to relax in the meantime.
In which case, my suggestion to you is to stop focusing on him and start focusing on yourself. NOT in a destructively bad, "I'm so over him" attitude, but rather an "I'm so into me" attitude, which is MUCH MUCH different and comes from a completely different, much happier and calmer place within. Reason for that will be clear to you soon enough: That way, you're no longer basing how you feel on how he acts, so your peace and underlying joy isn't disturbed just because of someone's actions, or inaction, as it were.
Hmm, odd how the tables have turned for you. Before, when you were "in control" and only dealing with him and giving him attention when you wanted, everything was a-ok. Now, when he's doing pretty much the same thing, it seems the situation doesn't feel so good.
Good luck, and take a few deep breaths before you do anything rash, like tell him you actually need him in your life or something like that.
There is a lesson looming out of this for sure, I hope you find your way to it.
Thank you so much for that post.
It is just really, really tough to focus on myself right now.
And yes, the tables have completely turned. I wish I could focus on me, I really wish I could, I guess time will heal as it always does.
Add to that, I already did the "I need you in my life, I'd marry you right now if you asked me to" thing about 5 days ago, I cried(he's never seen me cry), I told him I wanted to work on it...but his mind was still made up "my feelings have changed, but I don't want it to be over, I love you, I'd tell you if it were over, I need time."
When he brought up all the things that were "changing his feelings"...some of them included the following:
One evening about 3 months ago, I was slightly intoxicated (which rarely happens, maybe once a year at a social event)... and I saw someone at the event that I had been 'getting to know' a few years ago, I didn't really 'like' him at the time we went out on a date that was fun, but I was still not over the previous person, so I kinda bailed quickly at the end of the date.
We never spoke again until seeing each other at this event...he was there with this new fiance and she was beautiful, smart and has a fantastic career. It bothered me that he had his "stuff" together within 2 years...and I still wasn't sure what I was doing with my life.
Later on in the evening at home, with my guy I had a bit of verbal idiot intoxicated blabbering going on "how do people know what they want for the rest of their lives....I don't even like diamonds...who wants to get married when everyone cheats, lies or ends up divorced."
He (my guy) claims to "never have forgotten what I've said that evening" and it really bothered him. He had been in a relationship for 8 years, a toxic one...he married her thinking things would get better. Within 6 months of their ended marriage she's living with another man and having their(new man's) child.
Anyways, fast forward to today.
Hadn't heard from him.
I check my email and there's a text from him telling me he ran into so-and-so and that I'd never mentioned him before.
So-and-so was someone that I was with ohhh, 7 years ago for a summer. This guy broke my heart big time.
This is nice(sarcasm)...they're having a little chat about me. Nice timing.
I'm not replying.
I love him & I keep remembering all the good things...anyways, back to work.
Advice gal - I am really confused w/ your situation as Im sure you are.ha.
Your advice really is helping, slowly helping.
Have you ever experienced one of the worst feelings ever...when you first wake up in the morning, yawn, stretch a little, the sun is in your eyes, pillow is fluffy, everything is warm and cozy then *BAM* it hits you all over again once you remember that he's gone.
Then you look at the phone, no new calls.
Then the negative thinking(that I'm really trying to stop, but I just can't)...imagining him having some fabulous evening with some beautiful, funny girl...she's smelling the cologne you bought him, complimenting his shirt that you bought him. And right about now they're having breakfast and making plans together before he goes to work.
This is killing me.
I am so tempted to send him "I love you" text message...or "I miss you"... I never replied to his message yesterday.
I guess in the back of my mind, what I really want right now more than anything, is for him to show up here, wanting me back...but that isn't going to happen and I need to accept this for what it is. But it is soooo difficult.
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