It does get better
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 01-12-2006 - 2:20pm |
I just wanted to reach out to those of you going through breakups. I was in your position about a month ago, when I was dumped after a brief, but intense, one-month relationship. As a relationship, it never really got anywhere (though there were all kinds of grand declarations and promises made in the brief time), but I put my feelings on the line and got really hurt when he suddenly pulled back. I posted ad nauseum about my pain, the difficulty of moving on, of not thinking about him, of not knowing what had happened. I struggled, as many of you are now, with not contacting him, and then with resisting the urge to pick up when he started calling me. I faltered and allowed him to reenter my life, but after the briefest of encounters, it hit me like a ton of bricks why he was so wrong for me. I ended it and told him not to contact me.
I have to say the day I finally ended it was horrible. It wasn't the same kind of hurt as when he dumped me, but I felt tremendous guilt and worried if I would regret making the final break. The fact of the matter is, it was over when he dumped me a month ago, but my ending it last week was like the final nail in the coffin, if you will. I knew it was the right thing to do, but it was really really hard.
When I read some of the recent posting by others who are grappling with the raw and painful emotions of a breakup and when I reflect back on my emotional state a month ago compared to now, it's quite amazing what a difference time makes. People kept telling me I'd feel better but I didn't believe them. When you're deep in it, you think you'll never feel better, you'll never get over him, and you'll never find someone else. My situation was less involved and relatively less complicated because it was just a month, but I think this applies to some extent to all breakups.
When I reconnected with him, the interaction only confirmed in my mind that he wasn't good for me. He just didn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated. He hadn't changed, but I had. I wasn't willing to put up with or excuse his behavior anymore and that gave me the clarity and determination I needed to tell him it was over. Now, when I leave the house, I don't wonder if I'm going to run into him, I don't think about him when I see a car that looks like his, all the obsessive thoughts are gone. When I do think about him, it's mostly relief that it's over because I'm no longer in a relationship that was only partially satisfying. I know NC is important and most of us need to stick to it, but for me, it allowed me to accept the end of things and be at peace with it.
So there is an end to this difficult and painful process. I would just say, keep posting about the range of emotions you're experiencing, and keep your determination to move on from your broken relationships. It does get better, and you will feel better about yourselves. I think one of the hardest things about recovering from a breakup is that we forget to be good to ourselves and we let the guy define everything--the relationship, the breakup, who we are afterwards.
Hang in there and have faith. Your determination to move on and flourish as an individual will see you through.

Nice post, SBC, and so true! Even though I *knew* from prior experience that I would feel better at *some* point, I also kept thinking, well, none of my previous breakups involved a man completely disappearing on me without any sort of breakup at all after a year and a half together...so maybe *this* time I won't get past it, because I don't have any way of getting closure. But I've managed to somehow find closure in myself, and at nearly 9 weeks since our last conversation, I am feeling SO much better than I was a month ago or even a week ago. The combination of letting go of hope and no attempted contact since NYE have worked their magic (the holidays were tough, hope-wise, and I tried to contact him several times hoping he'd grow a heart on Christmas or NY but of course he didn't). While I am still hurt and angry, it's so much less intense than it was and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You know what, I just realized as I was writing this that a few weeks ago, I was thinking, oh, January 11 will be tough because that will be two months exactly since we talked...and I just realized it went by without me even thinking about it!
So...I'm glad to hear you are feeling better, I'm glad that I am feeling better...and I do want to echo your message of hope to those who are in the first couple weeks or months of the grieving process.
Sheri
SBC, I think it's great that you were able to explain the process so well, and I do hope others in the initial crisis mode benefit from it. We are all so much stronger than we think.
It is really true that as we heal from relationships, we get new perspectives that were just unimaginable in the beginning. When something ends, and people tell you it will get better, it's so hard to believe in that moment, but it really does. It's going to be very difficult at times, there are often steps forward and back, but you have to believe that someday you will really laugh again.
I am pretty much over my major relationship of 2005, and while its unfortunate that I have a reminder each weekday of my rebound fling in November with a coworker, even that's getting easier to deal with. But we all remember what its like to be at the beginning!