It ended 14 days ago...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
It ended 14 days ago...
6
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 10:16am

We had been having the same problem for a year or so.
I didn't even realise that it had dragged on so long til I checked up old emails from him.
And we always argued over the same issue.
He felt that I wasn't spending enough time with him.
He wants me to able to tag along with him when he goes chilling out with his pals at night and if possible stay over at his place once in awhile.
I've tried to give in to his requests. However, I've a pretty strict & conservation family, thus, they do not really like the idea of me crushing over that often.

We had been together for around 4 and 1/2 years.
And this is the 3rd major quarrel over the same issue.
We eventually parted on an amicable note.
For 12 days, we didn't contact each other.
I was the one who suggested breaking up, perhaps in a fit of anger.
I texted him and he didn't reply so I took silence as consent.
I was pretty upset cus it seemed like he didn't care.

I was still getting along pretty fine, at least better than now.
Then on the 12th day (after the breakup), his friend (whom I am not close to) texted me online saying that he had someone new. I was devastated and I called him up immediately to demand my stuff back.
Instead, we had a really long chat.
He didn't deny that there wasn't someone new but from the tone of his voice and my gut feeling, I could tell that he was faking it all.
I guess he wanted me to move on and he told me the same thing too.

Since our breakup was pretty abrupt. We managed to clear up the air.
He still cared about me and he said that this was a painful decision.
I know we two still love each other alot but we figured that somehow things would not work out (at least for now).
Throughout the entire conversation, he kept mentioning that perhaps we would have a chance again in the near future. It made me even more upset and that wasn't really what I wanted to hear.

It hurts so much cus I know that we both love each other but yet we somehow can't solve this problem. The worst part was him ending the call with a i still love you.. that totally broke my heart. And now, I find moving on so much more difficult.

During the previous 12 days, I only cried myself to sleep once.
It has been only 2 nights since the phone call and I'm much more worse than before.
I would lie awake on my bed and I couldn't stop crying my heart out.
I actually had suicidal thoughts racing through my mind..
I feel so weak nowadays and every day drags on like eternity.

I told him and myself that after the phone call, I would not contact him again but I could'nt help it. I was so very upset that I started texting crap to him.
I told him to tell me that he doesn't love me anymore so that it would be easier for me to move on. Later in the day, I texted him again, apologising for the 1st message and asking him to ignore it. Surprisingly, I got a reply from him. He told me that he hoped I wouldn't force him to say things which he didn't want to and that I should study hard and get my degree. That was his last wish for me.

Right now, part of me really wants him back. I really wanna make this work or at least give it my best shot for one last time. He had been really nice to me all along and sometimes I felt that I kinda took him for granted. Cus he was always giving and giving.
However, part of me is really confused...

Do I really want him back or do I just wanna get back because of my own selfish reasons like -
1) to prove to myself that I am still lovable
2) cus I am in such a lonely and sorry state
3) I dun wanna leave my comfort zone

and so on and so forth..

I know I do love him and the other part of me, the rational part tells me that if it didn't work out now, what makes you think that it would in the future?
Ok and then this other part of me goes but how would you know if you didn't really try.
I'm like contradicting myself... this really sucks.

What should I know now?? I feel so lost :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 6:23pm

The pain you feel comes thru here. What is your support? Please tell SOMEONE close to you, that you feel crappy and at least once suicidal. Please?

If you talk and he says he loves you, it's like a dose of a drug..it excites and revitalizes you from the darkness. I KNOW this all too well. If you have NO CONTACT slowly you move on..

It's your choice but to continue this way is emotional disaster..and TELL HIS/YOUR FRIENDS not to tell u ANYTHING about his new life..phooey on that..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 9:49pm

wow, i totally could have written this message.
different issues aside... he basically did the same exact thing, and i reacted the same exact way as you. did the text thing, did cards, emails... etc.. turned into a stalker..
i totally understand the reasons you gave for wanting him back, im there with you.
but keep in mind he was honest, and he let you go.
its not easy, but you will move on, and you will find someone better.
its uncomfortable, and it sucks, and you miss him a lot..
just take it a day at a time,,,and things will get better.

Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 12:53am

Thanks for the replies.

He has made it clear to me that we ain't gonna work things out today.
And he tells me again that he hopes that we might have a chance at it in the future.
Looking at myself in the mirror today, made me realised how messed up I had become.
So I told him that if it ain't gonna work now, it wouldn't in the future and that he should just stop contacting me.

I've fallen ill and I only have myself to blame for the pathetic state i am in now.
The sleepness nights spent crying etc.
Right now, I keep drilling this into my head .. that he doesnt want me back so I should stop pining for him.

Moving on would be difficult but I hope to make it through.
I really appreciate the replies.
Thanks alot...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 11:06pm
I totally know how you feel. I broke up with my ex only 2 weeks ago and I am physically sick. I don't think I have slept a full night in the last 2 weeks and I have cried almost every night. It really helps reading the messages and knowing that there are others out there that feel your pain too. I am trying to move on also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 1:05am
Hi brokn_heart, do take care of your health :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 1:16am
Thank you. You take care of your health also.