It has to be over

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
It has to be over
6
Sat, 07-08-2006 - 7:41pm

I posted a while ago about problems I've been having with my boyfriend on a different board. I'm now ready to call it quits on the relationship, but I'm having problems doing that. I somehow managed to allow my boyfriend to gradually start controlling different things that I do, the first being who I hang out with. The first few months of dating him were fine but after that things went crazy. He slowly weeded out all of my friends and now I have none left and I feel awful about it. I have no clue why I would ever let this happen. Just how angry he would get when I would go hang out or even talk to people kind of scared me I guess. He's never hit me, but he gets so upset that I just get scared and acqueisce to what he wants me to do. He basically has been able to get me to get rid of my friends, change my college degree (even though I plan on switching back immediately before much harm is done), quit two of my jobs because he didn't like them, and a lot more. I feel stupid for all of this because I used to think I was independent enough to make my own choices about these things and I somehow managed to change everything for someone I THOUGHT I loved. He constantly accuses me of cheating and I start to feel guilty about it, but then I realize that I don't even get to hang out with anyone anymore so how in the world would I be cheating.

I just started a new job and I absolutely love the people there. There's a guy there that I have talked to whenever we work together. I'm not counting on starting a relationship with him because I don't even know if he's interested, but just being around him and joking and talking to him is so nice. It makes me miss my friends so much and I realize that even though I may have loved my boyfriend at a time, and I may still love him , I can't go my entire life without my friends. I need someone I can talk to and this guy at work has finally made me realize that. I've been trying to break up with my boyfriend but everytime I do I get scared or he'll start being all sweet to me and I give in and don't break it off. I know I want out, but I can't make myself do it. Any suggestions for how to do it without being sucked back in? I know it sounds dumb, but It's driving me crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 5:00am
Extreme situations like this one call for extreme measures -break-ups- like the one you want to do. Tell him that you're not happy with the relationship and that you want to end it once and for all. Don't acuse him of anything, just center the words in yourself....you're not happy and you want to end it. When he gets all mellow and sweet and such remember all the controlling stuff you've allowed him to do in your life. If you don't break up with him then it'll be one more thing you're giving him power over to control in your life. Girl, leave now because it'll get worse. You'll end up with your self-esteem on the floor and with no will power to leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2005
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 10:22pm
He may not have been physically abusive, but he was definitely emotionally abusive. I am concerned for you. I think that once you do decide to break up with him, do it in a public place or have someone you know around. People like this are very unpredictable. After all, things have only been escalating to this point. Please be very careful. A lot of controlling guys have the mentality that if they can't have you nobody should. You never know what someone is capable of (I know this from experience). Have yall ever broken up before? I think he could possibly get violent, not sweet. You're making the right decision either way so just remember that and repeat it over and over again in your head as you're breaking up with him. Don't doubt yourself. You definitely need to spend some time psyching yourself up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 07-09-2006 - 10:59pm

That had to be difficult, to realize you'd given away so much of yourself in a relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 8:33am
Thanks everybody. I broke up with him last night. He was very emotional and started crying, which I've never seen him do before since we've been together. That made it even harder to do, but I kept telling myself all the bad things he's done just like you guys said. He keeps calling now and I haven't answered, but I do need to find a way to get some of my stuff back without having to deal with seeing him again. I saw one of my friends today and it was so nice talking to them. I know i'm never going back to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 11:51am
I just realized I do that all the time! I look down or away to keep from making eye contact so he won't accuse me (or the other person) of flirting. It is so crazy I never realized that before! My friends no longer have any contact with me because of my on/off boyfriend of 2 years. I've broken up with him so many times I've lost count. Just like her, he has coerced me into quitting jobs, etc & when I break up with him he either gets really sweet (plays on my sympathy by saying the things he loves always die or leave him) or he gets really angry and verbally abusive. My self-esteem is non-existent. I'm working on rebuilding my life and getting him out of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 2:17pm

Then

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