It has been a week, itching to email.
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| Mon, 06-11-2007 - 1:12am |
I don't know if it is the PMS or my personality of always wanting to have what I cannot. When I first met this guy he was plan b, meant to be a distraction to get over plan a. Figures, he becomes plan A. And I feel like I blew it and I have no control over fixing it. I said I was sorry, a few times. I made him probaby the best breakfast he will ever have last weekend with mimosas and had him here with my family for a major holiday. Not that,that is a big deal but it shows this level we were at. From the beginning HE was the one coming on like gangbusters with the serious questions.
What did it was I was taking anti-depressants, and decided to go off them, did it gradually, but again, not good timing, I get very bad pms, fly off the handle, cry. I was doing the get off the med thing, because in the past it hurt my sex life and made my ex feel like less of a man, his words. I just, well, cannot get there. This stuff numbs you. No matter how good, or how good it feels your mind will not let it happen. I have tried everything trust me, but with out the meds I was acting out of control. I was losing my temper, it was a very short fuse, add that to super stres of work, and then it was Mother's Day, guilt trip rama. It all really started that day. Well actually the day before, I was late 1.5 hours, but I did not know what time he was making dinner, and I was helping my Mom clean her house, I begged her, because even though I did not hear from him I knew I was late and that was becoming a routine, but this time it was not my fault. She was really in a mood and refused. He met her, he liked her, she him. So I was driving there shaking, knowing he was going to be mad. He was then calmed down. The next day we planned on hitting church with my parents and then breakfast. Well, we woke up at 10, church was as 11... 40 min away, there was no way we were both going to make it. So I call and tell her we will make breakfast. She was nasty, and he was right there so grant you he heard it all. She pretty much was " great,you are missing church!" and hung up on me. I see her point, I am the only child but my god I am going to be 40, he just got back from 3 weeks of military training. So I get up, yet another day of rushing around, grab roses, cards, candy etc, trek home and tried to make reservations elsewhere for 1:00, well they say their phones were charging, but I believe spitefully they were not picking them up. So I get home, huge attitude, trying to pack, because now we planned a few days away before he left again for a 2 week vacation. Just basically threw it all in a huge bag and argued. Left upset, seeing the cards, and flowers, just sitting on the table to die. I felt awful, torn, pulled, here I am just starting a relationship, but my Mom is so important to me and clearly her feelings are hurt. Just put me in a horrible mood plus I was just exhausted, and pmsing with mo meds. I got there in tears, pissed off, trying to pack what I had there, and he is like calm down what is the problem. I just wish we stayed where we were ordered in take out and relaxed, it was so what I needed not to drive two hours. The next day, he jolts out of bed, yeah some romantic few days, goes to get a few things he needs and askes if I want a blimpie. What?
We were in RI, I think we could have gone to lunch, but I figured he is probably starving and it was 9:30, he grabs me a coffee and I was just lounging watching tv, no rush, my day off, and he starts about lets get moving. It was just like never ending getting ready for me, which I do daily, I like to linger in the am. So I have no idea what happened next but I lost composure, and we ended up checking out a day early. I felt bad, so I brought the bottle of champagne with us, went to store, got beach towels, plasic champagne glasses some french bread, cheese and we headed to a park, where I said I was sorry and things were better. We even sneaked off to have a quickie, it was pretty deserted and private. So it was getting cold, and we are leaving, and I get to the car to find I cannot find my phone, perfect one more thing to stress over. An ant hill to turn into a mountain this time of month. So I ask him to use his to call mine, he tells me he cannot use that phone work monitors it, funny when we started dating he called me on it all the time, if he just did that problem would have been solved supposedly it was in my purse but I missed it. I don't know how, I took everything out!. So I head back to park, looking and he finds it, says it was in my purse. I really to this day wonder if he had it forgot to put it back in my purse and was going through my txt messages etc.
Stupidly I do not erase often. I do now. It was a quiet ride home but things seemed to be fine, we get back to his place and he says, call me before you go to sleep. WHAT? I thougt I was staying there, since I had the next day off to spend with him too. He sent me home. And for 3 days put me through he@@. Would not answer the phone, would not call me back. Finally I get an email the day he leaves for 2 weeks, saying I exude stress and he cannot relax, that he handled things badly was sorry that our weekend ended so poorly and he would call when he got back, he missed me and still wanted to see me. Ok. So I wrote his behavior was as equally upsetting me to as to him over me losing my cell phone and having a fit. He got home and never called I email him last thur, we had a great date. Said he would call last week to do dinner, things were fine and never did. I keep making this all my fault, feeling like I ruined things. Can a guy go from gushing sweet nothings over you,asking you do you think he is the one, completely la la over you to I want nothing to do with you over a phone. I told him my side of the story, what was going on, the stress, trying to do too much, running back and forth 40 min each way. It was just so much that weekend.
I just so want to email him WHY? Why did you sleep with me, take me on this great date,make promises and just not call. WHY? I am sorry, what else can I do. Did I mess this up over a phone? I just cannot believe forgiveness is not in his capacity.
I am really weak now, missing him, really lonely, friends are non existent, and work just is horrible. He was the highlight in my life. Not the center but he was starting to become a significant part. Everyone tells me let it go, dont call, email. I just get so angry. How could he? I feel cheap after last weekend. He just had his way with me, lead me on then blatently blew me off, BADLY. No reason. no explanation. no closure for me.
I don't know what to do, I just keep beating myself up, thinking, geesh, if only I did X that day instead of what transpired. WOULD IT HAVE MATTERED? I am trying to hard to not contact him, not my norm. I just cannot figure out how they can forget you so easily. When I still think about him so much.

Are you in counseling? If not, I really think it would be a good idea--along with CODA meetings. So much of your post screams "co-dependent"--everything's your fault (which is just silly).
And yes, a guy can go from gushing sweet nothings to not wanting anything to do with you. In fact, coming on strong is a HUGE red flag, and more often than not, that's exactly what happens in those type of situations. Have you read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter? It has good information about the type of behavior to watch out for early on.
Sheri
Hi ohmigosh38,
Resisting the urge to email or call can be difficult. Lots of people post about that here on the boards.
I have the same question as the last response.... are you in Counseling?