It hurts...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
It hurts...
3
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 4:59pm

Hi everyone,

I have posted here before for advice, and everyone who replied was really helpful. Tonight I just wanted to post and get some hugs and support. Hope that's ok.

My bf broke up with me just under 5 weeks ago, we have had no contact since the breakup, though I have been tempted once or twice. I thought I was doing ok. People who have read my previous posts will have read about the huge bag of "issues" that this breakup has brought up for me, regarding friends, self-esteem, what to do with my life, whether I will be alone forever. I was so busy mourning the death of the life I thought I was going to have with him, that I did not really have the time to get upset about missing my ex. But today I missing him so much it hurts.

It was brought on by a dream I had last night. I dreamt that I has contacted him about something or other (some more months from now), and that he said that he'd slept with two girls since our breakup. And that one of them was really special and he liked her and wanted to see her again.

And then I had another dream where we'd broken up and I asked him to sleep with me and he almost refused. In real life we had a great sex life, and he said that he will really miss that as he fancies me a lot and is a bit scared he won't find another gf as pretty as me. But he was no longer in love with me and thought we were not well enough matched to stay together long-term and that he felt to young for a serious relationship, so he ended it. He is 21, I am 27. And no, I really would not want children for at least another 7-8 years.

So...

I woke up feeling really upset, and have been upset all day. The thought of never seeing him again, kissing him, touching his skin, looking into his eyes, being touched by him, makes me incredibly sad. And the thought of him kissing another woman in future, touching her, looking at her with desire, wanting her is too much for me at the moment. Whenever I think of him kissing and sleeping with another woman, wanting her as much as he wanted me, I just start crying hard.

He is at a party tonight (I was invited to that before we broke up so know that that's where he is tonight). The party is at the house that he and his friends share. And I keep having these pictures in my head of him chatting to some woman at the party, finding her attractive and flirting with her, her flirting back, him inviting her upstairs to his room. Them lying on his bed, on the duvet cover that *I* helped him to pick out, the bed which we shared on his first night in the house, kissing and him touching her body. God, this hurts so INCREDIBLY. I am actually crying now as I am typing this.

I know that that might not happen tonight. But it will. He told me that while he will not want another serious gf for a while, he will not pass up one-night stands when they present themselves. He has a high sex drive. So, sooner or later, he will invite a woman back to his house, and have sex with her in the bed that we slept in, made love in, where he told me I was beautiful and how much he loved me.

I cannot bear the thought of his body being on top of someone else, his arms being wrapped around someone else, getting pleasure from being with a woman that is not me. I cannot bear to think that, yet I have been thinking about this all day.

I still want him. I know that if I offered it to him, he would gladly spend the night with me. But that would be all. He would not want me as his gf anymore. So I will not make an offer to him. It would hurt too much.

What I really miss is being with him physically. Seeing him, touching him, being held by him. Him looking at me lovingly. I miss the physical contact the most. My friends mostly live in other towns and cannot hug me, my family live in another country. I am quite a physical person and the lack of human touch is so hard to get used to.

I almost feel like dressing up and going to a bar and just going home with a half-decent looking guy. Just to feel wanted and be close physically to someone. Or alternatively getting really drunk and forget about missing my ex. But I know that these actions are self-destructive and would not be very respectful towards myself, so I won't do it. I just feel so lonely and wish I could stop thinking of my ex with some other woman. As I said, it will probably be a while before he sleeps with someone, because where he works is 99% male, and he does not meet many women in his spare time. But it will happen. And those thoughts have been like a stabbing knife all day.

If anyone can offer any hugs or just sympathy, I would be really grateful. Hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. Thanks for listening...

Goddess

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 5:14pm

HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I understand what you are going through. My boyfriend broke up with me in March and for the first month, I went through those same emotions.... My imagination betrayed me and went wild with thoughts of what he was doing with other girls.

But if you keep doing that, focusing on what he's doing, you are going to continually feel so upset to the point you make yourself sick and you can't have any fun. Now is the time for you to move on with your own life. 5 weeks is obviously not a ton of time to get over an important relationship but try to do things that will take your mind off of what he is doing.

So tonight is the party - what do you plan on doing tonight. If you stay in, can you contact a friend, have a phone call? Sometimes I would call my grandmother - she's older, wise, and went through a lot more hardships than I ever experienced. Talking to her made me feel stronger. Can you rent a movie? Have a guilty pleasure like some cheesecake? :)

Good luck!! People are always here to listen to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Sat, 11-05-2005 - 5:57pm

Hi Goddess,

Like you, I have been broken up for about 5 weeks. I was in a 6-year relationship. I have been struggling with the same pain about him inevitably meeting girls and hooking up and whatever else. The way I try to deal with it is first to just admit that you are powerless over the situation, b/c we really are. There's not a damn thing we can control about our exes meeting new girls. I know in my mind it will happen, I even try to think sometimes that it probably already has just to get used it. I just keep that in my mind but don't agonize over the details of him with other girls. You cannot think about that otherwise you will drive yourself crazy and obsess over it. Maybe they're wondering what we're doing with other guys, did you ever think of that? Let your ex go a little crazy wondering what YOU'RE doing. I'm just trying to accept this whole thing as much as it hurts b/c I find that when I resist it, it only makes it worse. And you have to try to occupy your mind, try, as hard as it is, not to think about it. B/c after you're done obsessing about what he's doing, what you could have done differently, is he thinking about you, will you get back together, etc., guess what?--nothing has changed only that you feel like crap! Just try not to think about it. And try to focus on yourself. B/c while you're spending so much time thinking about him, you're missing out on what can be happening for you. I recomment joining an online dating service. I did, and it's sort of keeping me occupied, and it feels nice to know that other guys will be interested in you. Also, I'm sure you're heard this, but it will get better with time. I think how we handle the breakup, and what we tell ourselves in our minds, affects our healing. So try to keep the focus on you, tell yourself that it is for the best, and try not to think about it. THat's what I'm doing. Hope it helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 11-06-2005 - 9:04am

I can relate..I did that mental stuff for weeks..was he with her? Were they in the bed we shared, was he doing what he did to me..dancing together and all...it was pure misery for days and days..now, thankfully it stopped. I said a few affirmations daily in fact hourly:

I am safe I am love
I release the need to obsess over ______. I am surrounded by peace and joy.

The one night stand would do nothing. If he knew, he would not respect you. The man you with will have the best night I am sure but for you, what will it give you? I doubt it will be pleasurable at all. I felt the same way, go do what he is doing but ya know what? It's not my style..instead I decided to join a dating site to meet some new men for social connections. I have had lunch, dinner, coffee dates and a play and it was purely social. Several of them adore me and want more..but I am setting the boundaries. I decided dating a few men casually allows me some male company but it allows me to avoid intimacy which is NOT what I want..otherwise, it's a rebound and I married my ex husband on the rebound..they NEVER last.

Take time..breathe..we all understand the obsessive thinking..it is terrible but it lifts eventually..you just have a lot of work ahead.