It Hurts

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
It Hurts
4
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 7:13am
I was hoping to never have to post here again, but I need some support. I'll try to keep it short. Last time I posted here my b/f of five years broke things off. It as a VERY difficult break-up. I cried everyday for five months. After almost two years I felt ready to date. I met my current b/f. He seemed like a good guy. A good friend of mine had been trying to get me to go out with him and we just happened to run into each other and ended up going out. Ee had a lot of fun. He treated me well. Told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him (this was after about 4/5 months of dating.) He told me I changed his life for the better and made him a better man. That isn't to say we didn't have disagreements, we are both very opinionated. Back in June he lied to me. I should have handled things better but instead I broke up with him. I called him a day later and we ended up getting back together. A few weeks later he told me he wanted to marry me. (it gets a little tricky here). First, this is a long distance relationship, we are three hours away from each other but were managing to see each other almost every week-end and at one point talked a lot on the phone. Second, his job is relocating him to another state which will put him six hours away. We decided that once he moved I would eventually move to be with him.

About three weeks ago he started acting weird. Not calling me as much, not e-mailing me and not saying sweet things to me. I finally got him to talk to me. We talked for three hours. Basically he claims that ever since I broke up with him in June he has been waiting for me to do it again. Now keep in mind from June until a couple weeks ago we were getting along fine. He said he loves me but doesn't know if he can get rid of this feeling and doesn't know that it is fair to take me along for the ride. Here is the kicker. I found out that this past week-end his family was having a farewell party for him b/c he is moving at the end of the month. I asked him if his work had given him a move date yet and he told me the end of the month. He claims he told me this but he did not and I know he knows he did not tell me. In his slight defense, he has been overwhelmed with work. He told me that he feels he cannot give me the attention I need right now. He wants to take a "breather" "not a break or break-up" until his big project at work is done. He said we need to appreciate one another again. But as much as I would like to believe this is the case, I can only feel that this is a prelude to a break-up. He is going to come back and say it is too hard and since he is moving it will only make it worse (I do not do well when we are apart and I am sure he will use tis against me). My sister tells me I keep focusing on the negative but I know how he was acting the past three weeks and it wasn't just stress from work, it was a change of feeling for me. This by all means has not been a perfect relationship. If we would stay together it would be A LOT of work. But I love him. I love him so very much. I think that three weeks ago, when he started acting strange, was when his work told him when he would be moving and that he never really wanted me to move with him. At any point, this hurts. I try so hard and things seem to never work out. Plus, I don't have too many good friends that I can lean on. Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: goodjwitch
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 11:01am
Hi..... first I like to say I'm sorry you are hurting right now........

these are the things you said in your post that

Stood out to me......

1 .. He told me that he feels he cannot give me the

attention I need right now. He wants to take a "breather"

2..This by all means has not been a perfect relationship.

If we would stay together it would be A LOT of work.

3.....he started acting weird. Not calling me as much,

not e-mailing me and not saying sweet things to me.

I finally got him to talk to me. We talked for three hours.

Basically he claims that ever since I broke up with him

in June he has been waiting for me to do it again.

4.... He said he loves me but doesn't know if he can

get rid of this feeling and doesn't know that it

Is fair to take me along for the ride.

from what you stated here, i feel

it's TIME you took a step back and "PAY"

attention to what he "IS" saying and his

"Actions" behind them.......

relationships are "CHOICES" ....

and when people decide to be "in" a

relationship, they are choosing to

SHARE their, time, space,Love, "plans", goals,

and true feelings with that partner.

it is "too" apparent in your post

that your boyfriend is not on the

"same" level of a "relationship" with you "NOW"......

Most men as well as women want security.....

to know and feel a partner they want to

keep in their life "will" Be there for them.....

and the sad part with this security is...

sometimes a man or a woman "want" a

person to just stay "PUT" While they are going

along "else where" with "their" life.

He has a LOT on his plate......

job, time, "insecurity", family, friends, goals,

And very little "space" left for "desert".... YOU.

you said it would take a lot of "WORK" to have

this relationship with him and so far you "have" been

doing everything you can. i think it's time you work on

YOU, and let what takes place from now, take it's own

course. take his "favor" of telling you, he don't want to be

unfair and allow you to go along for a RIDE with him.

a man that "want" to truly BE WITH a woman "WILL"

call, see, and hold her hand while he walks in the

Direction of a "relationship" together.....

take care of "you" now, and hold

on to your strength and faith

Of being OKAY..... with or without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: goodjwitch
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 1:12pm
I think that three weeks ago, when he started acting strange, was when his work told him when he would be moving and that he never really wanted me to move with him.



Until I got to the above, I had a totally different response. But it seems that you believe that he might have wanted you to go with him...and that you're thinking he's wanting this break now because it is a convenience and then he'll come back and say "I'm done" once his project is over, and move complete.

Why did you think he wanted you to move with him? He's never asked, you'd have to totally relocate your life........you wouldn't do that on a whim, or in a 3-week timespan.

I'm sure you're right...he doesn't want more pressure and obligation until this project is done, his move complete...and the he might want to remain dating but not necessarily exculsively - if you're really living quite a distance apart.

But I don't think he EVER thought you'd be moving with him....I think you thought that and therefore you were wanting to make everything ideal for him - so that he'd take you along.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: goodjwitch
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 2:16pm
Hi Erin:

Actually he did ask me to move to be with him. Our plan was for me to move after he did since his date of moving was up in the air. He told me he wanted to marry me once we were in the state he is moving to. At the time he said he wanted to get married I feel he was sincere, but I am not sure if he ever really thought it through. Thanks for your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: goodjwitch
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 2:47pm
Bouncing back and fourth in a relationship isnt healthy. And the distance between you two shows me you may not know him as well as you think you do. Men are different than woman, when there is a distance between you for an extended period- men have the out of sight out of mind attitude. It sounds like to me that you two have been spending so much time apart anyways that he has already been living the "break from eachother" months before he told you thats what he wanted to do. Has he ever been married previous to you if so how did his past relationships end up? When a person wants space and they already have it, unfortunatly, they are looking for an easy way out trying not to hurt that person. People are complicated whether your are male or female. Believe it or not women are more complex and emotional- men are simpler. You need to pay attention more to your 3rd eye and gut instinks. Take his advice- go on with your life and let him see how well you are doing later, if he comes running back- DONT DO IT. Dont call him, take a step back and see it for what it really is. Realize he wasnt good for you and go on- before you know it, youll be asking yourself why you spent so much time juggling him in and out of your life. It will take time. Good luck