It hurts like hell!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
It hurts like hell!!!
1
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 4:27pm

Well, I will try and make this brief as possible. My heart hurts so bad. 12yrs ago I got pregnant and had a beautiful little boy but his father and I wasn't in a relationship when it happened and we decided to separate. I was 19 when I had my son and very angry at the father for not being there for me or the baby. I hadn't talked to him nor seen him in the last 5yrs. Now let's fast forward to now. My parents whom are very religious felt that I owed my son by trying to locate his father and try and mend their relationship. Well, I found him and I called him and basically explained that I wanted my son to have a relationship with his father because he was getting older. I also told him that if he didn't want to be involved then it was ok because my son had no clue that I was even attempting to locate him. Well, he agreed that he felt that it was time to play his role as a Dad and that he would love to see our son and that he couldn't wait to get the chance to be involve. He promised that he would never turn his back again and I allowed him back into our son's life. Well of course during that time, he was doing everything that I always wanted him to do (i.e., talk to our son, be there for birthdays and holidays, etc.) so I began to develop feelings for him (which I swore I would never do) and he claimed that he had feelings for me to. So after trying so hard to not connect we eventually did. I thought things were going great and now it has been an entire month and he has vanished off the earth. He won't return any of my calls and I have left numerous messages and the killing part of all is that he stop calling or seeing our son. My son is pretending that it doesn't bother him but I know it does because it is killing me. I have kicked myself over and over again for allowing him to come back into our lives. I blame myself for being soooo stupid to even think that a relationship was even possible. Sorry for the long post but I haven't told anyone this because of embarrassment. The other part is that he asked to marry me and I said yes! How could he do this????

Sincerely,

Embarrassed and Hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 6:38pm
It's not your fault! You have to quit beating yourself up over it. It had been years since you've seen this guy and it's not impossible to consider that the years had changed him and made him more ready to be a father, especially when he agreed to come back into your life and be part of your son's life. I think it's only natural for a mother to want a relationship to work with the father (of course) and to do anything to try. I think that you honestly thought that this man had changed or else you wouldn't have let him back in your life and from all aspects, it looked like he had. Unfortunately, he left again without any answers. That is the most horrible part, that he couldn't face you and your son and tell you what was going on with him and hasn't returned your calls. I wish I had more to say about it, but I don't think that you should keep blaming yourself! I'm sorry about the pain your son is going through too, I'm sure that it makes it 10 times more heartbreaking!