It hurts so much...
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| Fri, 08-31-2007 - 2:42pm |
It's very difficult for me to write at the moment, since I have been in denial for the last few months pretending that everything was fine. I am not even sure why I felt like venting today, but it must be the alcohol that I drank last night. It always makes me feel so emotional the very next day.
I am sitting at my desk at work and just want to cry. I am not sure why am I feeling this way, but all I know is that I am still so much in love. It has been seven months, and I am not even nearly close to being over him. And, it's not one of those situations where I got left by a guy because he fell out of love with me, this is different.
I remember the night when we met. I knew from the beginning that I was going to fall for this guy. It was September 22 - last year, and I can't stop thinking about the upcoming date. It makes me very sad to know that it hasn't even been a year since we have met, and we are not together anymore.
It hurts me to know that we went our separate ways. I am not one of those girls who cries over boys and falls in love with every single guy that I meet. This is the first time that I actually have been in love. I never felt anything like this before. It was short, but it was so intense. I know I have met my soul mate. I am still young, and I am not even sure if our paths will ever meet again, but if they do, I am so afraid of getting heart-broken again.
I am amazed at myself that it has been months, and I am still so much in love. I thought I was fine a few weeks later, but I was lying to myself. I have been going out and dancing, trying to pretend that I am having a great life. It was all just an act to show off.
I have everything that I need. I have a great job, I make big money, I look hot, I am smart, I have it all, pretty much, but I am so unhappy. The reason why we are separated is because I wanted to have all of these things. I was broke and was still in school, and I always wanted to have a great life. That's why, I moved away to a different country to start my career and prove to myself that I could do it.
He stayed behind. He came to visit me a few times, and those were the happiest days off my life. So many times I wanted to pack my bags and return, but I didn't let myself do it. He asked me to leave everything behind and just drive to Las Vegas and get married. But, this is how life works, and I never went through with those plans.
I don't regret achieving everything that I have, but I regret losing my love. I have never felt so hurt in my life before. I don't know what else to do, and it is just tearing me up inside. I drink a lot on the weekends when I go out trying to lie to myself that everything is fine, but the next day I regret everything.
Just like right now, I am sitting at work, and I am so hung over. I wish I could just run out of my office and just keep running and running in the hopes of running this pain away, but I can't. That's why, I am writing on here. I guess I am trying to do something about the way I feel and decided to vent. I am not sure though if it's going to make me feel any better.
All I want is to see him and be in his arms again. I try dating other men, and I am so desperate to be in love again, but I don't like anyone at all. I want to have this mutual feeling of love back, but it is so hard to find it. I feel lonely, and I want to be loved again. I want to be cared for, and I just want to be with him so much.
He asked me to visit him, but I am not sure if that's a good idea. I wrote him an e-mail saying that I would love to visit, but I don't want to leave heart-broken again. I think he has moved on though, so he wouldn't really understand what I meant.
I don't know what to do anymore. This is eating me inside out. And, tomorrow is the first day of September...

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Welcome to the board sash96,
Have a good cry, you deserve it. I can feel your pain too.
never ever regret the decisions you know in your heart to be true, if you did stay back for him and things didn't work out, you'd have nothing. or worse, you stayed back and like what goddesssassysue said, you might end up resenting him for holding you back and eventually ended things anyways. at least now you have a stable foundation in which you can live your life on, something to be proud of, something YOU achieved for yourself, no one can take that away from you.
i've learned that giving up something that made you so happy can be the hardest thing in the world to do, but if you didn't you wouldn't be true to yourself, which i think is much worse.
i'm very new to these forums, but so far i'm incredibly touched by the level of support shown by complete strangers for those who need it. i feel like i've stumbled upon something meaningful.
i don't really have any advice for you, i don't know what i could possibly say to ease whatever pain you are feeling, just that you should continue posting/venting on these forums, better to get those dark thoughts out rather than pretend they're not there and drown them with booze and dance just to feel sh*tty the next day.
hope you feel better.
Welcome to the board emopwndsauce,
Glad to see you stayed around after your initial post.... you've added some great insight.
Hey goddess,
You are right. My life wasn't that great when we were together. He made it much better, since we were in love, but I was always stressing out about money and finishing school. Basically, it's a no win situation. Right now, I will try to concentrate on how to make myself feel busy and give a few more guys a try to see if there might be a connection. However, if I don't feel better anytime soon, I will consider visiting him and discussing a few things. Thank you for your support. These boards are great!
SasH
Hi empopwndsauce,
You made a great point, which I actually didn't think of before. I am the true believer about staying true to yourself, but I never really thought about it untill you mentioned it. I know I would have blamed him for making me stay, and most likely things would have went sour anyway. It's just these feeling of not being able to let go is what is really bothering me. I think the reason for that might be is because I have been feeling very lonely lately, and my life have turned into a routine. On top of that, I haven't had sex in over five months, and my ex was amazing. I guess it could be hormonal, too. I am going to concentrate on making myself feel better by expressing my feelings and not hiding them anymore. I am so lucky to have people like you to feel my pain and be so supportive. Thank you!
SasH
Thanks for the welcome!
*HUG*
Sash
I think you should let him know how much you appreciate and loved the relationship in a beautifully written letter. Let him know the door is "open" and that you are ready if he is interested.
If you do this, you will know you have done your best to save the relationship. Even if he says "I've moved on", you will know you have done your best and you can have some peace.
I am much older than you....40. I am mourning a relationship I had beginning 31. I sort of wish I could do things over. Lately I wrote him a letter expressing how I felt. Nothing came of it but I felt some peace that I did something.
I hope it works out for you either way.
Hey,
Thank you for you reply. I decided to write him a letter saying how I feel after I get my head straight and give up my drinking.I want to be sure that what I feel is real, and it's not the blur of alcohol that is talking for me. I will keep you updated. I hope you will feel better as well with your relationship. I guess it just takes time...XOXOXOX
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