It hurts so much...
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| Fri, 08-31-2007 - 2:42pm |
It's very difficult for me to write at the moment, since I have been in denial for the last few months pretending that everything was fine. I am not even sure why I felt like venting today, but it must be the alcohol that I drank last night. It always makes me feel so emotional the very next day.
I am sitting at my desk at work and just want to cry. I am not sure why am I feeling this way, but all I know is that I am still so much in love. It has been seven months, and I am not even nearly close to being over him. And, it's not one of those situations where I got left by a guy because he fell out of love with me, this is different.
I remember the night when we met. I knew from the beginning that I was going to fall for this guy. It was September 22 - last year, and I can't stop thinking about the upcoming date. It makes me very sad to know that it hasn't even been a year since we have met, and we are not together anymore.
It hurts me to know that we went our separate ways. I am not one of those girls who cries over boys and falls in love with every single guy that I meet. This is the first time that I actually have been in love. I never felt anything like this before. It was short, but it was so intense. I know I have met my soul mate. I am still young, and I am not even sure if our paths will ever meet again, but if they do, I am so afraid of getting heart-broken again.
I am amazed at myself that it has been months, and I am still so much in love. I thought I was fine a few weeks later, but I was lying to myself. I have been going out and dancing, trying to pretend that I am having a great life. It was all just an act to show off.
I have everything that I need. I have a great job, I make big money, I look hot, I am smart, I have it all, pretty much, but I am so unhappy. The reason why we are separated is because I wanted to have all of these things. I was broke and was still in school, and I always wanted to have a great life. That's why, I moved away to a different country to start my career and prove to myself that I could do it.
He stayed behind. He came to visit me a few times, and those were the happiest days off my life. So many times I wanted to pack my bags and return, but I didn't let myself do it. He asked me to leave everything behind and just drive to Las Vegas and get married. But, this is how life works, and I never went through with those plans.
I don't regret achieving everything that I have, but I regret losing my love. I have never felt so hurt in my life before. I don't know what else to do, and it is just tearing me up inside. I drink a lot on the weekends when I go out trying to lie to myself that everything is fine, but the next day I regret everything.
Just like right now, I am sitting at work, and I am so hung over. I wish I could just run out of my office and just keep running and running in the hopes of running this pain away, but I can't. That's why, I am writing on here. I guess I am trying to do something about the way I feel and decided to vent. I am not sure though if it's going to make me feel any better.
All I want is to see him and be in his arms again. I try dating other men, and I am so desperate to be in love again, but I don't like anyone at all. I want to have this mutual feeling of love back, but it is so hard to find it. I feel lonely, and I want to be loved again. I want to be cared for, and I just want to be with him so much.
He asked me to visit him, but I am not sure if that's a good idea. I wrote him an e-mail saying that I would love to visit, but I don't want to leave heart-broken again. I think he has moved on though, so he wouldn't really understand what I meant.
I don't know what to do anymore. This is eating me inside out. And, tomorrow is the first day of September...

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Hi emopwndsauce,
I decided to relax this coming weekend and work on writing this letter. There are a few things that I have been thinking about that I wanted to tell him, but at the same time I don't want to look like a fool. I think that it's a great advice that you gave me regarding keeping this letter for two weeks and just reflecting on it.
I have also been dating a few guys lately, and they seem nice. So, I am hoping that maybe I will start liking someone who will kind of help me to forget about him. I also noticed that I tend to think about him the most when I am alone or drunk. There were so many times when I wanted to send him a text message or call him and tell him how I felt, but I always stoped myself.
I truly hope that by writing this letter I will have some kind of a closure, since I feel like I never really had it. He broke up with me over the phone and was trying to be really cold, which I know was fake.
XOXOXOX
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