It HURTS SO MUCH--pls read this novel
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| Mon, 11-06-2006 - 10:31pm |
Hi everyone. I just need to hear other people's perspectives. I am in so much pain, sometimes I sit in my car and cry like you've never heard. I think my situation might be an unusual one. I don't mind tough love, but please try not to be totally brutal with me.
Here is what happened. My boyfriend of 3.5 years left me. We were absolutely best friends and shared everything. Throughout the relationship he called me anywhere from 1-5 times a day. I know that is excessive, but he missed me all the time. I never doubted that he loved me. He was good to me, always respected me. We did everything together. We even lived together for a year early on in the relationship, but it was temporary while I looked for a job and tried to get my own place. We had a happy life together of canoeing, watching movies, grilling in the backyard and even planting flowers together. He would never, and I repeat, never cheat on me. He is not capable of that. The #1 strain in the relationship is that he travels a lot for work, and it made things difficult at times. Here is the part where I need advice...Backtracking a bit--about 2 years ago we were in his home state of Michigan for a visit when his grandfather (who he loved dearly and constantly told me he wanted to move back so that he wouldn't miss the man's last years on earth) suddenly had a heart attack. My BF was devastated. We were supposed to fly back home to California that day. He took me to the airport and I flew home alone while he sat by his grandpa's bedside until he died. During that time he would call me crying and tellig me that I am his best friend and there is no one else he can talk to like me. After the funeral my BF returned to CA. He never grieved after that. Never shed a tear. It's like he became totally disconnected from his loss.
Now back to the present. I was extremely upset one night because many people had been pressuring me to get married. They made me feel that if he hadn't married me in 3.5 years, it means he doesn't really love me. I am 27 and he is 29. I know that he was not ready for marriage. We had talked about it enough times. I had gotten pressure like that since our first few months dating, but after getting a lot of it in one week, I broke down. I told him that maybe it was best we break up. I felt insecure and wondered if everyone was seeing something that I am not. I told him that maybe people would stop making me feel so bad if I tell them I'm single. Then they can't tell me he doesn't love me. He cried and tried to talk me out of it. He asked if he could call me the following weekend. I said of course you can. In my head, I knew I was just extremely upset and sort of talking out of my ass if you will. I decided to wait for him to call me the following weekend. I figured we'd talk about it and stay together etc. When he called me the following weekend, he said would not take me back. He told me that the first day he cried a lot, and then one or 2 days later he realized that it was for the best. I was totally shocked. Every friend I have has told me that he was trying to punish me for hurting him. I agreed and thought the matter would be resolved in a week or two. Here we are 6 weeks later. he emailed me and of course I thought it meant he wanted to stay together. When I began to realize that he just wanted to say hello and see how I am doing, I told him that I love him, miss him, want to stay together, I am sorry I hurt him but I was just very upset. I told him that it is best he not contact me ever again unless it's to talk about what happened and work things out. It's been 10 days and i haven't heard from him since. I suddenly feel like he is doing to me what he did to his grandpa. I hurt him and now he has shut me out of his life. he turned his love for me off like a lightswitch, just like he did right after his grandpa died. He is not seeing anyone else, believe me. I think it's an emotional wall that he has built between us and may or may not ever let it down again. What do you all think? I dream about him nearly every night. I miss the friendhsip we shared, the love we felt. Up until the bitter end, he always held my hand in the car, even if it was a long trip and I would doze off for an hour. I'd wake up and his hand would still be holding mine. We had a pretty darn healthy relationship. It wasn't perfect, but it was real, genuine love. Sex was wonderful, but we were not like rabbits. We had so much more than that. I made the biggest mistake ever, and I can't believe he has shut me out like this. I almost wish I had more drama to tell you guys, but there is none. Just a good relationship that ended way too soon. His reason for leaving me is that "it just wasn't meant to be." Where is this coming from, it's the first I've heard of it. Please help me. I am not accpeting things. I want to accept he's gone, but I just can't. thank you for reading. I know this was very long. I'd be grateful for feedback--do I have any hope at all? I don't think I knew he was this emotionally disturbed. The only clue I had was when his grandpa died and he turned his emotions off like a lightswitch then.
Also, he has not "shut me out" completely. he says we can email or talk on the phone any time. That he will always be there for me and still cares. He says we can talk about anything but our relationship. He has shut me out emotionally. I am the one who is choosing to have no contact. It is truly unbearable to hear him tell me he doesn't want me anymore. And I can't possibly be his friend right now--I'd be too tempted to beg him back. Believe me, I have done enough of that.

How sad for you. Two huge painful lessons for you to learn all in the same moment - don't listen to other people and say what you mean and mean what you say.
I'm sure he thinks it's for the best in part due to self-preservation. You hurt him badly. And in part, sometimes people don't really look at their relationship until they take a step back (in his case, it was forced by you) now that he has, he's done some re-evaluating. You may not like his decision, but you do have to accept it as best you can. Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie
What i think is...his teaching you a lesson for hurting him so bad.i want to be honest with you..this is whats wrong in every relationship,,,"WE LIKE LISTENING TO OTHERS"..
for right now give him space...let him relax and realized things...its sound that HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH BUT YOU PUSH HIM AWAY...DONT WORRY THINGS WILL BE BETTER. YOU KNOW HIM BETTER THAN ANY ONE HERE....SONNER LATER HE'LL BE BACK.
i'm assuming right now his friend or someone is giving him advice to teach you a lesson for pushing him away....i suggest stop contacting him let him missed you....but before that send him a GOODBYE EMAIL...tell him thats the last time he'll be hearing from you...cuz anyways he doesnt give YOU a second chance. MAKE HIM THINK..GOOD LUCK
Hi - I sympathize with your pain, but (and not trying to antagonize you) what am i missing? YOU ended it with him. So why are other posters chastizing him?
The reason i bring this up is that the exact same thing just happened to me. My girlfriend ended things, and then went nuts when i would not respond to her subsequent calls and text messages.
Maybe girls operate differently than guys i.e. dump them to "test" them or something. Please enlighten me here. And vanillabeanie - i sympathize that you are hurting, just trying to understand here. It sounds like my ex is going through what you are (she constantly asks my friends about me).....
I do know the pain you are going through even though you broke up with him. Many years ago I broke up with someone who I loved very much but there was something that just wasn't right with our relationship and I broke it off. I hurt to no end and was tempted to call him and tell him I was wrong and wanted him back but I didn't and I am glad I didn't. You knew down deep inside something wasn't right and I think it was the marriage thing and you broke it off SO now you have to live with your actions and his reaction to this. Don't kill yourself trying to analyize why he is reacting this way. You did break up with him and he has every right not to want you back. What you need to do, is accept the fact that he is out of your life and do your best to move on. No contact is best during this time which both of you need right now. Sorry I am not a carrier of better advice but we humans make a lot of mistakes in our lives and most of those mistakes are learning lessons.
I wish you the best during this painful time.
Hi Bill (and also thank you for all others who responded--made me feel a lot better although I know that won't affect the outcome of things). You brought up some good points that I want to respond to. First, I know this is going to sound silly, but while I was breaking up with him, he asked if he could still call me. I said absolutely. To be honest, in the back of my head I knew that I probably was being overly emotional and did not mean what I was saying. But because he has this habit of calling me 4 times a day, I think I just wanted some space. So there were really 2 separate issues at play here. While I love the fact that he cared enough to call so often and see how my day was going, anybody would probably go nuts about it at times when they really want to be left alone. So when he said he might call during the week or the following weekend, I thought--ok fine, we'll talk then. I was very hurt by some rude comments people made about our relationship and I felt I needed a couple days to think and just be left alone. I never imagined he would be over me by the time he called just a few days later! So I guess breaking up with him was not what i meant to do. It's just that any time I would tell him not to call me for a couple days because I thought he was a little too dependant on me, he would take it the wrong way and think I didn't care. I thought "breaking up" was the only way he'd give me space. By the next day, I wanted to call him. Badly. But I figured that he said he would call me and we would talk then. I wanted to break the pattern of 4 calls a day.
Secondly, the difference between our situation and yours (which will show that I am not your ex, haha!) is that my boyfriend (I still can't say "ex") wants me in his life. At first he sent me an email explaining that it was over between us. he said it was best we not have contact for "a few months." I cried like a baby. I did not contact him after that because it was too painful to keep listening to him tell me he did not want to be with me anymore. Three weeks later, he emailed me out of the blue asking how I am doing. he said he has attempted to write me an email 4 times. I responded, hoping and praying he wanted to talk about what happened. Then he responded by telling me we can talk about anything but our relationship or about dating altogether. I responded and said I just can't do this. how can he expect me to be his friend? I'm not kidding--I was the perfect girlfriend to him. I was his best friend. He told me that in his whole life, he has never been able to be himself like he is with me. I was there for him anytime he was sick or needed anything. I was always buying him little gifts to show I love him. I really have not done a whole lot of wrong in the relationship. I know the way I handled it was wrong, but after 3.5 years doesn't he know me well enough to know how sorry I am and that sometimes I am not the best communicator? I think the punishment doesn't fit the crime. So I told him that at this point, i can't be his friend because I can't pretend that I am not in love anymore. I asked him not to contact me unless he realizes he still loves me too. His response was, "I understand." That's it. Gives me the impression that was goodbye. What do you think? I'd be so grateful for your input. I know that someday I will contact him. I just don't know when. Also I wonder if being in contact might be a good thing. Sometimes I think that being in contact and trying to act normal and happy around him might be a really good thing. Remind him that I am his best friend.