it keeps getting worse
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| Thu, 10-28-2004 - 4:55pm |
well when i met him he was 19 i was 30 it was blissfull but now i know it was because i was working i had a great job i had my own place and i was helping him with everything gas money food money i was cooking for him i was flipping the bill for everything.
he never gave me a flower he never took me out and paid, and frankly now i kno i was his ticket to florida... i got used. well we moved here in march it was struggle from the minute we got to florida we were homeless for 2 weeks we couldnt find decent jobs we couldnt find a place it was a lot of stress and frustration and he told me he wanted his own space he wanted to be on his own..after i told him plenty of times to find his own place and not worry about me and my children that we would be ok...he didnt listen he insisted in finding us a place because we came here together and we should work thru this together.
Well we found place but neither of us had a good job i didnt have one he had 2 that together werent worth nuthin we were scared we needed to have something quick to be bale to keep the place well he landed a better job and i got a job at walmart i was excited just because it was a job and i was going to be bale to help my man out but guess hwat he told me? 'how much will you be making?' i told him and his response was oh that little?...i told him you know i can never make you happy at least is a job and it will help out so you wont feel overwhelmed with bills.
and funny because when he had a job at a fast food restaurant i supported him and told him honey be proud is a job. well we kinda started getting along a bit more but there was always this insecurity in the back of my mind that something was going to go wrong well he lost his job..luckily i had some unemployment i was owed from new york and it came at the right time thank god so i was able to pay rent electric phone car note car insurance he needed a part for his car so i ended up paying everything he had no job so i encouraged him to go to a few places luckily he found a job a much better job.
but one day he left his yahoo messenger on and some girl was iming him i confronted him and we had a huge argument he told me he was tired of being attached he wanted to be free he wanted to be alone he wanted to meet people he wanted to go out and flirt and dance without worrying about hurting anyones feelings he was tired of my insecurities...he told me to think about what i wanted to do and to let him know
that night i wanted to talk he didnt but i talked anyway and i told him what i had come up with since we are in a very bad situation financially we have no choice ut to live 2gether in the same house well he was fine with it i told him you have to do your own laundry your own cooking and you have to do you he was fine he just said he didnt want to be in a relationship he wanted to be alone free solo noone to answer to noone to come home 2.
I said my peace and what i thought was best it was 9 pm he never goes to bed b4 1 am and all of the sudden he turned and said im going to sleep i said is early he said he was tired and he told me you know i wish it never got to this point and i said i didnt either but things happen.. and i went to sleep i was in peace i said to myself is finally over is gonna be ok...well around 3 am i feel someone touching me he wanted tot alk i didnt i was sleepy he wanted to talk about us he wanted a chance he wanted another try but y would i agree to do that after i was told he didnt want me didnt want a relationship he even had asked me y would u wanna be in a relationship that the other person doesnt want you?....that hit me and i said to him it wont work he said u dont know until you try if it doesnt then we will move on u have to realize nuthin is forever he said.
well it was ok for 2 weeks then all of the sudden one night he walks into wal-mart and tells me someone took my coins right then and there that meant accusing me or my children...he told me if those coins dont come up when u get home and look for them you have to go is a wrap you have to leave i was so upset i had to leave work i couldnt stop crying...so that night he called and i told him i cant take it anymore is not working we have to be just friends roomates whatever u want to call it but yoy have to do you and i will do me and my kids because u accused us of taking ur coins when they were there all along it was the devil that made u blind.
he didnt come home the next day he works nights and he is usually home by 7:30 am and he never showed again that night he showed up at wal-mart to tell me i was right is better off if we end it because is too much damage and as much as he tried to work things out it just doesnt work so that night he had me on the phone all night talking and telling me y we had to remain in a no title relationship y change living arrangements when we still have to be in the same house in other words u can keep cooking doing my laundry and giving me sex but in the meantime i will look for something better...guys correct me if im wrong what does no title relationship mean???
well like 3 weeks ago we were watching a movie and he asked me if i was happy with us getting along and i told himm yes but not with the no title relationship he told me titles were made by man and the only title is marriage...that we can be 2 ppl happy getting along with out giving it a girlfriend boyfriend title, im still not happy but he didnt seem to care...he told me it doesnt feel like we are not together because emotionally and physically we are together but mentally we arent again what does this mean???
emotionally and physically we are together but not mentally..
well just this saturday we were watching a movie and his phone rang he didnt answer it i asked him y he said because he didnt feel llike talking i knew it was another female...so after the movie was done he ran in the bathroom, when he came out i asked him if he had slept with anyone else but me he got scred and asked me y but told me no i didnt tell him y i asked...but i said but you are talking and seeing someone else arent you he did tell me we are not together we shouldnt be having this convo and i didnt answer the phone because i dont feel comfortable talking to other females in front of you. i told him is the same thing if you run to the bathroom to talk to them he said i have female friends but i dont sleep with them...and i talk to someone yes because you and me are not getting along.
i also confronted him on some gay porno i found on the computer he told me it was a way to make money because women would not pay to see or talk to a fat black man and old gay men would and he was going to tell me but he was afraid of my reaction but he was going to surprise me with new furniture when he made nuff money entertaining gay old men..he told me i knew he was always looking for ways of making money i feel is so dirty...then i told him i was moving back home he was livid he asked when i made that decision he asked me what time how i was getting there who was i going to stay with..and he had ate some food at 9 pm by the time we were done talking he threw up everything he got sick to his stomach.
he told me he missed what we had but of course because i was taking care of everything of course he missed that i told him everything i felt i told him everything i did for him i told him how i felt used...then sunday i was so depressed and he was stillsick but he asked me "if i come up with some money and help you find a place would u stay in florida?" i told him no he told me you dont want to go you havent thought about that you havent thought about the consequences of moving back....i left it alone next day i was looking online for tickets and he told me you act like you are leaving tomorrow i told him time flies i have to act fast and he told me all the energy and money you are going to spend moving you can use to stay here and find a place y is he trying to find options for me to stay????? y when i dont sleep in the same bed he asks me y i am not in bed ????
i told him yesterday that once im gone there will be no contact none whatsoever no phone no emails nuthin is completely over i want to heal i wanna get my life back together and he got upset he asked me not even contact with my mom???....now y do i want to keep in contact with his mom y is he sonterested in keeping contact y? y ? is killing my im so confused is over when soeone breaks up is over no contact is best but he doesnt seem to agree...i told him the time i have left here i wanna be happy and in peace with him is no need to be arguing and hating each other he told me to let it go that i cant expect that we wont stay in contact and that we could be all sweet..y cant we be civilized until then what does not remaining in contact have to do with trying to get by these last couple of weeks??????....
there is my story more or less in a nut shell there r little details i didnt go into how my garbage would pile up in my garage and he wouldnt take to the sumpster because here you have to pay for garbagr pick up and the neighbors take the gharbage is a shame and how he wouldnt stop smoking after saying he was os many times like how he drinks everyday and he drinks hard liquor on weekends and everyhting that comes out his mouth is i want a drink....how all he wants to do is sleep all day he never wants to go shopping grocery shopping walking in the mall
and just yesterday he got very upset with me becuase i refuse to leave the electric under my name he packed some clothes and left and i havent seen him since..
i need feedback advise stories of something similar hope anything
thanks guys

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Come on......the guy is 19. You're 30. ou've got 2 kids, and responsibilities and obligations. You had a house, car, paid bills, and fed kids - you had him in and he didn't have to do anything but 'do you' - nd that was your version of "he wants a relationship with me."
Sure...he wants the benefits, options, convenience, and security of being with you - but he doesn't wnat the obligation, responsibility, requirement, and commitment for you and with you and to you.
So you're over here giving up the benefits package -without him taking the job. You weren't "used' - he never promised you a relationship and then didn't deliver. You simply assumed alot based on his willingness to hang around a free lunch and no obligation sex.
You relocated your kids, you made huge sacrifices, you've put your financial life in jeopardy, you've compromised your kids potential...and now you're upset that the guy who never wanted to do anything but benefit and be convenienced is gone?
Come on.
I realize you might have started having babies when you were 19. You might think that if you do things like give birth, or get married, or get divorced, or buy a house - that you're "now an adult". Untrue. Adulthood is not just a physical age...it's an emotional and mental state of self-awareness, responsiblity and acceptance. YOu're nowhere near it - neither is he.
Just get your life back in order, when he comes around wanting more benefits and options without obligations - say no, mean no - and refuse to have contact with him. Because you've taught him that you're a free lunch counter, and an all night love-cafe. He's not EVER come around you yet going "I admire, respect, appreciate, and applaud you as a person and I am proud to be affiliated with you." He's come around for sex, food, comfort, cars, convenience, benefits, and options and allowance - with ihs hand or other physical body part out - waiting to get service or provided for in some capacity. And you've taught him that you're a drive thru service provider - so don't suffer the delusion taht he's going to "leave you alone" because you ask him to. That'd be like assuming he'd stay away from mcDonalds if they were giving away free burgers.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
He said plenty of times im here to stay im not going anywhere he said plenty of times im ready for a relationship but the only reason was bcause he had to do nuthin as soon as things started getting hard and he had to get 2 jobs and pay bills everything went down hill.
But yeah i have to admit i should have been smart enough to relaize that he was just saying those things and if i wasnt getting anything in return after giving him everything that should have been a sign to leave it alone and not let it get to this...and i really do beleive that as soon as i leave and there is no contact i will be fine he will be fine although i think he is fine already i do beleive it doesnt face him at all but i do believe once i am gone and i have absolutely no contact with him how would he be able to try to use me again???
people that are immature, inexperienced in life, who haven't defined and create a great life and lifestyle by their terms and efforts - they're not "using" you when they take whatever you offer and say "wow, this is great, I'm not going anywhere". They mean literally "I am not going anywhere as long as this stays like this".
But they lack the life expeirence and self-awareness to get to know you as an individual - other than bsed on the benefits, ease, convenience, and security that you provide.
So, he didn't "use" you - you gave alot thinking "I'll get a return at some point" - and you did - only not the kind of return you thought.
Of course he's "fine" to have moved on. He wasn't ever "with you as an individual" - he was with "the situation as a whole". So once it changed - he was "outta there" - long before he left. He just had to find another source of ease, benefits, security and convenience - he thinks that is how life works. HE considers that to be "a relationship".
That's because he's inexperienced about life, and incomplete as a person - he's only 19 after all.
My only point is don't assume that your "no contact mandate" once you two are apart - is going to be what he adheres to. If his next sourcce dries up - he'll want back - you've proven that you're a "good source" - so it'll be up to you to stand firm and say no and refuse contact.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
he hasnt created a life by his own efforts everything he has is because i helped him get there...and is true he didnt use me he took what i gave in his little mind it was me helping him it wasnt a relationship being build...i thought yeah i was helping him and eventually since all the promises he made everything was going to be fine he once told my mom when we get down to florida if i have to work 3 jobs to support my girl and the kids i will do that to make her happy....what a joke
http://quiz.ivillage.com/relationships/tests/leech.htm?arrivalSA=1&cobrandRef=0&arrival_freqCap=3
Listen, girlfriend. You don't need to take care of a man for him to love you. Try hard to be in a position where you don't want a man to take care of you. At the least, any man you get involved with HAS to be able to take care of himself. If, by chance, he can take care of you, all the better. But just MAKE SURE you can take care of yourself!
When I said he was waiting for something "better", I meant a better opportuntity. Not a better woman. I have a feeling you're a good woman. He's an opportunist. Don't kick yourself in the head if you come across another opportunist. Just look out for the red flags, and get yourself out of the relationship as soon as possible.
Even though our situations are totally different, I feel like we've had a lot of the same heartache. My prayers go out to you, Queen. PLEASE, insist on being treated like a queen! You deserve it!
xo
Sue
I've read your replies to this post, and I found them to be kind of harsh. You made some very good observations, and perhaps you felt she needs a good kick in the head to knock some sense into her. However, I think kicking someone when they're down isn't very helpful. Most of us come here because we're in pain. It's comforting to hear from people who have been there, and learn how they got through it.
I do admire your outspokedness and honesty. And you're obviously compassionate enough to reply. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say; not ease up, but maybe throw in some words of encouragement after opening up the can of whoop-ass?
Erin's responses can come across as very harsh. That is just her style and it can come across as a kick in the backside when one is feeling low. But all of her advice and observations come from her own hard experiences. Believe it or not she is actually being very supportive when she responds. She has been there -- done that. It's just that her perspective is this -- **You are feeling hurt and used by this man .. in order for this not to happen to you again here are some facts for you to consider regarding the dymanics of your relationship.** And really, most of the time she is about 90% accurate.
So many of us bounce from relationship to relationship making the same mistakes and the same poor choices. What she is trying to get across to woman is basically that frogs don't turn into princes, they remain frogs. No matter how much time, effort, money, affection we give the the frogs, they don't change -- ever. Be someone you admire and respect, and live by your own values at all times and the frogs won't even come near you.
I have learned a lot from Erin in the last 7 months. Some of it was definitely things I didn't want to hear, but sometimes the truth hurts. I have found it best not to take her repsonses too personally. Take care.
Lois
then i called my landlord for advice and he advised me to call my ex and get to an agreement then after my ex told me to give him what i had he went back to asking for the whole thing because he doesnt have any money he went on about how many bills he has and all this other stuff and then he included that i made the choice of leaving nooone put me out but how can i stay in this house under this situation he said he had no problem living in this situation the situation being me staying here and helping him with the expenses because of course after the bluff of saying that if i wasnt out by the 18th he was going to put me out because someone was coming in i have a feeling he has noone coming in and hes a lil choked thinking about the bills...he accused me of if i cared about him why do i keep doing things to him...he also accused me of making his life miserable because i am upset that he is not ever home now i clearly let him kno it doesnt affect me i was the one that told him y dont u stay where u been spending the nights and days and he told me he would not go anywhere while he was paying rent this is house so he told the landlord that he hasnt been staying here because he wants to give me space and he doesnt want to argue....when he called me last night and hunf up on me the 1st person he called was his mom and then she was trying to get a hold of me like there was something she could do i told him he was a big baby by not handling things on his own and called his mom...
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